Share My World

Lately, I’m finding that the same recurring fear keeps crowding my brain, limiting my joy at times. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I am destined for greatness professionally. I know that I am a great mother and educator to my children. But I don’t know…

If my past choices with men will affect my life forever.

I have had unprotected secks twice this year. First time, it was knowingly. The 2nd time, the dude pulled the condom off without telling me.

Everytime I read an article like the one in the December 2008 issue of Essence about Black women and HIV I feel this pang in my heart. It’s fear. It’s fear that I have so much going for me yet I will die a horrible death infected by this disease.

Why is this the only thing I fear? I guess it’s a combination of guilt over past choices and subconsciously feeling like I do not deserve the kind of relationship that I want with a man. It scares me to admit this out loud but I believe that if I am ever confirmed to be a carrier that I will shut off all hope and possibility to finally receive the love I envision, the same type of love that I give to my children and friends.

I don’t WANT to be sick. No, I don’t. But then I have to ask myself why I keep thinking about it over and over again. What we focus on whether they are fears or hopes, are a direct reflection of what we believe we deserve for our lives.

Why do I believe I deserve to die as a punishment for not valuing my body and using men so flippantly? I don’t know. Maybe it’s that inferiority complex in me. Maybe I feel that a woman with so much talent, beauty and drive couldn’t possibly have it all.

I am working to change this belief but it’s hard. It’s hard because the evidence I see around me, the treatment from men I have loved in the past, the rejection- criticism, well…it envelopes me.

I deserve inner peace, perfect health, wealth, prosperity, joy and happiness. I deserve the greatest life my inner me can imagine. I deserve my latter to be greater than the past.

If only my mind could grasp that…

Then I know my body and affairs would soon follow suit.

I don’t deserve the thing I fear. I want to be able to meditate on the opposite.

Peace, joy, love and abundance.

Peace, joy, love and abundance.

I’m feeling a lot better! I had a revelation today after asking for help to really change my perception about what I believe i deserve. It was so simple when it hit me that I had to laugh…

I am a great person inside and out. I treat other with kindness and I uplift everyone that I come into contact with. I AM A GOOD PERSON THEREFORE I DESERVE EVERY GOOD THING THAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE AND I WILL HAVE IT!

That phrase played itself over and over in my mind while i waited tables at Denny’s. I laughed to myself over and over again and realized, why would I expect bad things to come into my life when i only give GOOD THINGS out to the world?

Everything I give will be returned to me times ten. So I’m expecting such a brilliant series of miracles that it will make me nauseas! The perfect home for me and my sons. The perfect man for me. The perfect opportunity now flows my way for my divine abundance. I can FEEL it now… All it took was one shift of my brain and I got it! I am so grateful that I listen to the LIGHT instead of the darkness that tries to convince me I am a failure and a loser. NO I’M NOT!

I am who I say I am!

No one can define me but me!

Define yourself until you believe it. Expect what you deserve and delight in it today! It’s really on its way. don’t waste time being fearful…there is nothing to fear. You are on a marvelous journey towards greatness that first begins in your own mind.

Cultivate and embrace that!

Love, Tee

I got the cure you need!

The end of this video..the last 50 seconds…makes me tremble and cry real sobs.An apology goes a long way in the healing process. Just apologize. Apologize. Say you’re sorry and allow both of you to heal and move forward.

What an interesting weekend I’ve had.

I spent the last two days of last week boo’ed up with my sons. ~sigh~ True love.

I went to their flag football game on Saturday morning and..as usual, their Dad was all emotional about talking with me. Man, this dude can’t even look me in the face without trying to insult me or acting all aggressive and shit. I had to tell him repeatedly to calm down, which he did for a minute and then got all riled up again simply because I told him that I was tired since I don’t sleep at night due to my overnight job and I’d like to go home and get a few hours rest before picking the boys up for a party.

Then he said the most interesting thing…

“I’m so glad they are living with me now! They don’t need you! You’re a horrible mother!”

“Well, that’s not going to last forever!” I spat back.

“Please!” he said. “I can’t wait to see you in court because then you’ll learn all about the LAW!” he growled coming closer to my face.

“Boy you KNOW them being with you was only supposed to be temporary.”

He laughed and took a step back. “You don’t even realize you got played!”

“Oh you played me?”

“There’s a statute of limitations,” he said. “They’ve been with me for 3 years.”

“No they haven’t!”

“You don’t know the LAW! And you’ll see what happens when we get to court!”

He’s so…~sigh~

His words have absolutely no affect on me anymore. I remember when I used to take his threats as LAW. Child please… He’s so small to me now. I know for a fact that when someone tries to hurt you, they are only hurting themselves.

Moving on… I just got back from a late night dinner with the guy I met last week. He pissed me off because he asked me to call him when I was on my way out the door after I explained to him that I wasn’t going anywhere until after I watched Kanye perform on Letterman. After the performance, I called him and told him I’d meet him at the Denny’s where I work in 15 minutes.

Fourteen minutes later I was sitting in my car in the parking lot and he wasn’t there. I was pissed the hell off.

I waited for 10 minutes then I called him.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “I’m on my way now.”

“Don’t bother. You got me sitting in a parking lot by myself like some trick ass hoe ass bitch! I’m leaving. Goodnight.”

I hung up. Five minutes later I get a text from him apologizing and asking me to come back. He said his friend wanted to come and it held him up and he was there waiting for me. I called him and gave him another earful and he took it like a man and apologized again. I decided not to embarrass him in front of his friends so I went back and we had a nice chat and dinner.

Then afterwards he suggested we go back to the studio and I obliged. We watched Kat William’s latest comedy show and I left immediately afterwards. On the way home I was pissed because…

I don’t think this is the time in my life that I need to be “Hanging out”. Hanging out wastes my damn time. I have to make money. I need to eat. I need to see my sons. i feel like he should be trying to make money too. he’s creative and talented and he isn’t a millionaire yet. Why the hell isn’t he grinding to make his dreams come true?

I’m not hanging out with him again unless its about business. I don’t have time for some man to sit up there flirting with me when I could be writing an article or finishing another eBook or creating something that would add value to my portfolio.

Hanging out is for people who already live the type of life they want to live. I am not. And I will not delay my vision for my life for any man.

He must be crazy…

Since I have been invited to join my graduate program’s honor society (Yay!) I’ve been all excited about the programs that I would like to organize. But…before I can do any of that I have to figure out how my sons and I will be able to participate in the induction.

See…the main reason why I wanted to be in this honor society, aside from how great it will look on my resume, is the fact that I want my sons to witness the induction ceremony so they will learn to expect this type of success for their lives. I really want them to have this memory of me standing there looking all cute and accepting my award at a fancy dinner.

The only catch: The dinner is in Orlando in two weeks and the tickets cost $20 per person. They sprung this on me just last week and I have no idea how I will come up with gas money to drive to Orlando, toll money to pay the tolls, money for food while we’re there PLUS the money for the tickets. I’ve already called Anna to ask if we could stay at her house for the night and she said yes. So now all I have to do is BELIEVE for the funds to come in…

I’ve already seen a sign that we will be going because my job gave me another shift for this week and I’m believing wholeheartedly that more of my eBooks will sell and/or somehow someone will pay me for my creative services…

I INTEND to go to this banquet with my sons and take pictures and have a great time.

It WILL happen.

I am grateful for the trip.

We will be safe and happy and well fed.

Amen.

What a night! I haven’t counted my tips yet but I think I did GREAT! My back hurts, my feet hurt and i need a massage so badly but I’ll sleep it off, wake up and then get back to work.

I met some interesting people tonight. There was a table full of artists who asked me if I did spoken word and I told them that I did. They asked me to freestyle a poem for them and i laughed… They kept calling me Jada…referring to Jada Pinkett. I love it when customers call me that because I think Jada is smokin hot!

My last table of the night were these 4 guys from Miami. All of them were cute in their own way but they invited me to sit down with them and shoot the breeze. I did. I found out one of them was a website developer, another was a graphic artist, another was a corrections officer and the 4th was a music producer who did most of Jill Scott’s albums. Nice connections all around… If I had to choose one to date, I’d have to choose the corrections officer guy because he had the most sweet swagger but..I don’t have time for that right now.

I finished another eBook today. I’m so proud of myself. My goal is to produce at least 20 eBooks as soon as I can before concentrating on other endeavors.

I even heard from a woman who runs her own media production company. A friend of mine from school told her about me and she contacted me asking me to look through her websites and then contact her to talk about working together.

I still can’t put any money into buying Kanye’s album since I still need two tires and money to go on my trip with my sons but I’ve been listening to it on youtube and other sites and I feel so sad for him. That chick Alexis must have really hit him hard! I don’t think he deserves that, but what do I know…

Maybe one day I’ll meet him and he’ll come to understand what it’s like to be uplifted like i do with all of my friends. I’d love to share the love…

Time to crawl under the covers and sleep until this afternoon. Hopefully I won’t miss the Thanksgiving festivities. I may stop by Tamara’s mom’s house for some food and Kim’s in town so I may go see her. My boys are out of town with their Dad and I hope they have a good time. i picked them up this morning to have a Thanksgiving breakfast. We sat in the Burger King on 125th and watched Home Alone while chatting and laughing.

I love them.