Share My World

Whew!

I’m back. I finished my research paper, presentation and genogram on Falling In Love. Thank God Tamara allowed me to share so much of her personal relationship history with my professor and classmates for my final project.

I used pictures and all as I described what the process is like for falling in love, well, in Tamara’s case. I did so much research and learned so much about how different attitudes can block the ability to be loved.

There’s one theory called The Imago Theory… ~shakes head~

I almost cried after reading it.

There is an unconcious repetitive need to seek partners who pffer- for good or for bad- the familiar love of childhood. The attempt to change a partner from one who offers the negative aspects to one who offers affirming love is an attempt to reverse the trauma of unattached love in childhood. Consciousness of the pattern is the requirement to begin its reversal. (Love 246-249)

So… The study included a case study of a woman who was in therapy complaining that all of the men she attracted were needy and boring and how she wanted to meet more independent minded men, a REAL man. The therapist shook her head and asked how she would go about doing that.

The woman said that she would wear business suits and wear her hair up and wear black heels and stockings. The therapist told her to go ahead and try it. The woman came back excitedly for her next session. She told the therapist that her plan worked. A man in a business suit approached her and told her that she looked like a woman who could take care of herself. He invited her to accompany him to a business trip in San Diego.

The woman goes on the business trip and during the night she’s in bed with the guy and she has an awful stomache ache. She creeps out of the bed and takes a cab to the emergency room in this strange city that she has never visited. The doctor tells her she is just fine, but seems to be under a lot of stress. When she returns to the hotel the guy asks her where she has been. When she tells him the story he says, “Good for you. I like a woman who can take care of herself.”

She went back to her therapist and she was so hurt. The therapist asks her to describe her relationship with her parents and she said, ‘They were preoccupied and unavailable.’

“And how did you respond to this frustration as a child?” the therapist asked.

“I trusted no one and took care of myself,” the lady answered.

“BINGO!” said the therapist.

The text reads: Caution is the strategy when you meet a potential partner and the attraction is intense. It can mean you have found someone who fits your imago and will reactivate the early hurts from childhood. She must realize that they are simply a replication of her early hurts from childhood. They feel familiar and fit her imago- her unconcious image of love. Her journey is to have the courage to accept the love of a man who is available and realize the boredom she feels with him is a defense against true love. The love she believes she does not deserve.

DAMN!!!!!!!

I almost fell out!

But it makes so much sense! Why am I only attracted to men who don’t like me? Why am I constantly fantasizing about men who are unavailable to me? The men who DO like me, i push away as soon as I can. Why? Because the type of love they offer isn’t what I subconciously believe love is- the type of love I learned in childhood, which means being dissatisfied and critical of me and my efforts.

That is exactly the type of love I got from my children’s father, Salisu A. Richardson. He was never satisfied with my looks, my efforts, my dreams or who I was. But I guess I hoped that he would change his mind one day. If this theory is correct then that means I hoped he would change his mind about me, one day valuing me, which would help to repair the pain I felt as a child when my own parents did not ever show approval for who I was.

Wow!

So..it goes without saying that if someone who you are trying to show love to, won’t accept it, it may be because they don’t believe they deserve the kind of love you are offering. The more they return hatred for love, the more they are fighting against the belief that the love you have to offer is genuine. They don’t believe they deserve it.

There’s nothing you can do to change their minds either. They will keep allowing themselves to be in the painful, critical relationships that remind them of their parents love for them and all the goodwill in the world won’t change that. It’s really up to them.

Don’t fight with them about it. Step back and be a friend if you can.

I..I’m looking at the world and my relationships in a whole new light. In fact, last night I allowed a man to hang out with me. I swore I wouldn’t do that again after learning Taylor, the white guy, was really an asshole in disguise. But that’s really his problem, not mine. I was nothing but friendly and encouraging to him. He has his own issues to bear I guess.

But last night, I had a great time with this young man I met a while ago. It didn’t feel like pressure. There was no attraction and we just talked and talked and laughed.

After cursing out this other man last week because he came to see me and spent the entire hour I was with him, telling me what I needed to change, I realized that I push men away very quickly if they even mention that there is one aspect of who I am that needs improvement.

I don’t need to hear that shit from anyone. I am well aware of who I am and my choices are my choices. I think the fact that I never ask anyone to be anything other than who they really irritates me because others walk into my life and are critical of how I live my life. I make choices everyday and I am okay with each and every one of them.

“I’m not your daughter or your client,” I told him. “Don’t even call me again.”

This chick I mentioned before who called me lame because i told her I like to read, write and study success for fun, she STILL emails me talking about let’s go out for lunch or something. I’m like, “Huh? For what? You go on and hang out with the cool people you know and I’ll continue to focus on the shit I love to do.”

You know what? I do not apologize for being into what I’m into. I’m into personal development, writing, blogging, inspiration, success. Anything outside of that- yawn- not really interested. If it doesn’t push me towards one of my goals, I don’t consider doing it. It’s like..

It’s like..when I’m not doing what I love to do…

I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t like to do wrong. So..I’ll keep striving…

So I’ve been equerying agents to represent me in hopes that I can get a lofty publishing deal. I think my book is great, has mass appeal and is written in an easy to understand, inspirational style. I’ve been having so much fun receiving REJECTION emails from agents.

It’s Sunday.

Which means that Saturday is over. I can write about it now that the much anticipated day is over but I still don’t believe what happened.

Last week I was feeling peaceful yet counting down the days until Saturday which was my last day on campus. I weighed my options, which weren’t many. With no money and no job and my last few feature articles not being run until next month so I won’t receive a check from them until then, I have nothing really.

The dorm room saved me, but now even that was coming to an end. It’s a strange thing really, even though I knew I had no options for housing, I felt so good about everything. I felt peace.

The Young Man that I hung out on campus with last week was in a similar situation. He and his girlfriend planned to move into a motel for the month between school and moving into their apartment. He offered to let me stay with him and his girl if I had nowhere to go. I thanked him and declined figuring something better would come along.

I moved out of my dorm room and met my old college friends at a wedding when I got a text from the Young Man asking me if I had figured out what I was going to do.

I didn’t reply at first. My last option was going to my Mama and asking if I could move back in, but I already knew how that would go.

“You ain’t comin back up in here!” she screamed and I shook my head and walked back out to my car. “Aight, Ma. I’ll call you later.”

I decided to use my loose change to buy snacks and drive to the beach. I figured if nothing else, I could sleep there because it’s peaceful and lots of people are on the beach at night doing the same thing.

I drove to the beach and the sun was still out. I watched as the sky turned dark and the beach emptied out. The only people left on the sand under the moon were people like me, who had nowhere else to go, or lovers sitting by the water’s edge cuddling.

A group of guys approached me to introduce themselves. They told me that they lived on the beach and were looking for work. I didn’t share my situation, I just listened politely and told them they would make it.

“I have to tell you something,” one of the men said. “The reason I came over here is because when I walked by you I was drawn to your spirit. I really want you to know that whatever is going on in your life right now will be resolved. The Lord is with you. Bless you.”

When he said that, I said goodbye to him and turned to the ocean, offering up another quick prayer.

My phone chimed alerting me to a text message.

It was the Young Man. “Shorty, where r u? U ok?”

“I’m at the beach. Gonna sleep here.” I texted him.

“What? Well, we might be joining you. The motel we were gonna stay up quoted me a diff price when we went to check in. Now we short about $100 dollars. Do you have any money shorty? If not, we’ll all be sleeping on the beach tonight. LOL”

I had just checked my account.

All I had was $141 and I had put gas earlier so it was probably less.

“I have $100” I texted him back.

He called my phone and we talked about me putting in on the room for a month. She had come up with half and he had come up with the other half and with my money, the room would be paid for, for a month.

I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to freak out my friends but I had to have a conversation about this so I called Tamara. “I don’t know dawg,” she said. “We need to call Anna.”

While Tamara called Anna to explain the situation and ask for advice, the Young Man called me back to see if I was still interested in rooming with them.

I got the text from Tamara as he and I were talking about it all.

“Anna said you betta suck that shit up and join them,” the text read.

“Alright. I think I’m going to do it,” I told him.

“Ok, good. Now we all have somewhere to sleep this month. Just meet up with me at the motel in 30 minutes.”

I drove over to the motel and shook my head. Disgusting. But..it was better than sleeping on the beach with the beach bums.

I called my Mama to let her know I was okay and I shook my head at her response.

“Good job!” she squealed. “I KNEW you could do it! You and your little homeless friends go ahead and move into your room and get settled. I KNEW you could do it! You’re gonna thank me for this one day, Tee.”

I rolled my eyes at the phone and laughed.

“Aight Mama.”

We unpacked our bags, took showers and sat down to watch TV before falling asleep. I could barely sleep with all the roaches on the walls and the sounds of loud thumps throughout the night. I was so scared. But I kept telling myself, “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

I turned over to see the Young Man and his girl fast asleep beside me.

Yep, one king sized bed for all 3 of us. The Young Man said there were no other options.

Hmm…

~shakes head~

Man…

I have a job interview at Denny’s on Monday morning. And I have orientation for another job in 2 weeks. Both of them are hustling type gigs where the money you make is based on how well you do. But I have this child support to pay and I have to find a place to live.

Something is gonna give…

Something is gonna happen soon.

Whew!

I finally got a minute to update this thing.

Things have been going well at the Roach Motel. That’s what my Mama calls it.

At first the elevator was broken so I tore my calves UP walking up and down those stairs everyday. My legs are throbbing now. Which isn’t so good because I start my job at Denny’s on Thursday. I’ll be hostessing and serving whenever I can pick up the shifts. I needed money for my uniform and I didn’t know how it would come but it DID- in the most magnificent way. Thank you so much!

What’s crazy is the fact that I now live with a young couple. I thought I was getting away from thinking about relationships since my semester is over but I was so wrong.

Because I live with a young couple, I witness firsthand the ups and downs of a relationship. He’s 22, she’s 20 and they are both undergrad students. He’s Jamaican and I think she’s Asian but I never really asked her. They have been together for a long time.

At first I witnessed a lot of name calling and arguing and I was thinking to myself, “Relationships are dumb! I won’t be going through this crap.”

But when the smoke cleared, you could see the passion behind the arguments. And today…I was just sitting there quietly like a little mouse and I watched them make up.

He went over to her after they were griping a bit and looked her in the eye.

“Say you’re sorry,” he requested softly.

“I’m sorry,” she cooed and smiled.

“Sorry for what?” he coaxed.

“Sorry for everything!” she answered.

“Naw, I want you to list the specifics!” he egged her on.

She laughed. “No YOU say you’re sorry!” she told him.

He paused, looked down at his hands and then back into her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

They kissed and then started arguing some more, laughing at the same time.

I was sitting there like WOW. Is this what it’s like to be in a relationship? My memory is so foggy. Do you get on each other nerves but you still can’t imagine yourself without them? Was I like that with my BBDD? I don’t even remember anymore.

The Young Man treats her well though. You can tell he really likes to take care of women. Well, to the best of his ability. I can’t believe I sleep with them every night. Three in the bed. I mean, you know I’m down for that type of shit but…not in THIS type of motel, know what I mean. ~smirk~

But they’re cool so far. We look out for each other. When I didn’t have money to eat, they fed me. When I got money, I bought a cooler and some other stuff for our room. We hang out together and eat, watch TV. But mostly it’s me and the Young Man vibing.

The thing I love most about my relationship with him is that we vibe SO HARD.

When we’re talking, it’s like feeding each other vanilla pudding. Mmm mmm good! He can sure tell a story. And his stories about growing up in the hood in the Bronx really have me rolling laughing and sometimes scared.

One time he was telling me about how he got robbed and then he looked at me and paused.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Why you lookin sad?”

“Huh? I may be looking sad cuz you’re tellin a sad story.”

“Man, I’m not tellin you nothing no more.”

“Well I don’t care then, you tell a sad story I’m gonna be sad. What else am I supposed to do?”

“Naw,” he said and paused. “I just don’t want to see your face sad like that again.”

He’s a sweetie. But at 22 he has a lot of growing to do. The best thing is, he knows it. He recognizes that he has his whole life ahead of him and he has a grand vision for his life. I love that.

Do you know it was this Young Man who put the image of getting two jobs in my head. I surely had just about given up on the job tip. No one was calling me back about my resume and I was tired of being told “We’re not hiring.”

So I utilized my little sister’s sure-fire-way-to-get-your-dream-job plan.

I did nothing.

Then along comes this dude who I had seen before and had actually talked to once when we exchanged numbers. But when he called I was preoccupied with my writing so I never took him up on hanging out. The night I finished my final presentation I was walking outside to throw away a piece of paper for some reason and he was outside too.

So when he invited me to come chill, I was like, oh well, last week on campus, I may as well.

And we vibed so HARD for hours. I think we spent 4 hours talking that first night. The next day he was texting me from work asking me if I wanted to chill again. We vibed again SO HARD that next night. We didn’t go to bed until almost 8am. We were enjoying the conversation. It’s not like he’s my type or I want him physically, I just like learning about him and hearing him talk. I like the exchange of ideas. He’s open minded.

He even gave me the number to his boss and that’s how I got the marketing gig that I will probably start in a week or so. Then one morning I was out and he called me and he said, “Now all you gotta do is get a 2nd job. By the time school starts you’ll have stacked up and you can get your place.”

“A 2nd job? From walking around? Man, that never works for me. All it does is make me mad!”

“I’m telling you Shorty,” he replied. “It will work. You can do this. Now go do it!”

The next place I walked into-Denny’s- hired me.

Yeah, he’s motivating the motivator. I like that.

Man..I don’t know what I’m going to do though. Remember how long I lasted at the Restaurant in Houston. 3 weeks.

My ankles were killing me so bad that I would almost buckle over at work. And now..my calves are crying for relief and I’m about to start two more Stand-on-your-feet jobs…

Yeah..I’m letting go of the freelance writing for now. I guess it’s time to make some money on the clock, thank God I’m not in an office though. I’m not made for that…

Whew!

Life is surely a trip.

Hey..I won’t be able to update as much because I have no internet connection at the Motel. So bear with me…I’ll be alright.

Ima keep pushing.