Keep The Suicide Hotline Alive
I remember when I used to suffer from depression. It wasn’t too long ago, if you’ve been reading my blog for a while. There were times when I thought that the world would benefit if I were to die and when I tried to talk to my friends they would get upset with me because they didn’t know what to say.I have called 1-800-SUICIDE and they listened to me. That’s all I needed. I just needed someone to listen to me who wouldn’t get mad at me for feeling so down. They listened.I got it out.I walked away from my phone knowing that I could go on.It’s not a weakness when you ask for help, it’s a sign of strength.Please donate to the hotline and keep them going for all of the people you know who are depressed and you know you can’t find the right words to say…The Suicide Hotline can.Ms. Tee
My First Sunrise
I woke up at a quarter to 4 this morning. My eyelids were still fluttering from the intense dream I had. I yawned and stretched and sat up in bed, staring at the bare yellow walls in my dorm room.
I may as well go outside and read. I grabbed my book, my Blacks, my phone and my lighter and I tiptoed outside, trying not to slam the door and wake my suitemate.
I set up camp a few doors down from mine and sat cross legged on the pavement, opening my book and lighting my Black.
Despite the early morning hours, kids were still milling around campus, laughing, giggling and coming home from a night out. I watched as a car full of kids parked and said their goodbyes as they went their seperate ways back to their rooms.
I smiled, remembering the old days, back when I was an undergrad. That shit was fun! I may have had two kids while I was in college but I sure did have lots of fun before I had them! I didn’t really miss out on anything, I don’t think. ~shrug~
As I sat and puffed and read my book, I heard footsteps so I looked up. A guy approached me and introduced himself.
“I see you around campus all the time, my name is Taylor, what’s yours?”
“My name is Tee,” I laugh.
We sat on the pavement and talked and smoked and talked and talked and talked. I learned that he was new to campus and had driven down from Illinois two weeks ago to start grad school here.
“See that car?” he asked, motioning to a shiny Black Charger parked in the parking lot. “I got really lucky in the stock market and I bought that car and it’s paid off. That’s my baby!”
I laughed. “Hell yeah! A nice car like that and no car note! You got lucky for real! I have to hustle to pay my car note every month.”
He was an interesting character, speaking to me with this friendliness in his voice that you don’t get to experience much in Miami. Turns out he lives right above me and told me that he sees me nearly everyday but I give off this “don’t talk to me” vibe that made him stay away.
He has these greyish blue eyes and a cleft in his chin like John Travolta.
“I hate when people tell me that,” he said. “That’s dude’s old as shit!”
We talked and talked and I laughed and laughed and by the time I noticed the time it was almost 6am.
“Hey, I have an idea,” I said. “Why don’t we go to the beach and watch the sunrise?”
He smiled over at me and stood up. “Good idea.”
I went back into my room and put on some shorts and grabbed my beach blanket and my camera. As we drove to the beach I asked him if he knew where he was going since he had only been in Miami for 2 weeks and he said, “My first day here I gassed up the car and just drove around. I have a spot.”
When I noticed the route that he was taking I wondered if he was going to the same spot that I go to. We laughed and talked about his time in Illinois. He told me that he used to get lost in the cornfields chasing his dog.
“That must have been scary!” I said.
“Yeah, it was. You can’t see anything but these tall ass stalks of corn and you don’t know where you’re going but all you have to do is keep going in one direction and eventually you’ll come out of it.”
“I hope we get there in time!” I said, noticing that the sky was beginning to lighten up as we headed east.
Surprise, surprise! When we turned the corner on Collins, he drove right up to the same spot that my friends and I have been going to since I was a teenager.
“You’ve been stalking me!” I laughed.
We walked over the little bridge and onto the sand. There were a lot of people on the beach even though it was early. There were two couples there laughing and drinking beer, looking like they had just stepped out of the club. There was an older man fishing on the shore. Their were other couples cuddled up on the sand and we even saw a mother and her two children asleep on the beach.
“I wonder if they’re here because they have no place else to go,” I said to Taylor.
We set up camp when we found a quiet spot. I spread out my orange blanket and he pulled off his shoes and socks. The sky was much lighter by now but I couldn’t see the sun yet.
“This may sound kinda cheesy but I really like the times when the sun and the moon are visible at the same time. Usually during these times, I’m sleeping so I think it’s cool that we are out here.”
It’s funny but, me and this dude have a lot in common. My friends and I have a ritual where at 12:34 we pray for each other or make a wish. When the clock hit 5:55 he said to me, “Hurry up and make a wish!” I was like, Whoa…
We talked about spirituality, religion and our goals. “So, I know you said that you’re not religious anymore,” he said. “So tell me what do you think about the day of judgement.”
I shook my head. “I don’t believe in it.”
He shook his head too. “Me neither. I find it hard to believe that one religion is right and everyone else is wrong. Why can’t we ALL be right?”
“That’s what I’m saying. I look at it like this…If you connect with God through one religion, then that’s cool and that’s beneficial to you. But then I could look at someone else and see how they connect with God and think that’s cool too. I’m always looking to meet people and find how they connect with God. It’s really about the connection, it’s not about the path.”
He smiled at me and we both lay back on the blanket listening to his cell phone play music. He loves this guy named Devin something. He’s a rapper from Texas. I told him about my time in Texas and how I didn’t really like the guys I met in Houston because they were too tall.
“Don’t say TOO TALL!” he said.
“Whuh?”
“Do you know how tall I am?” he asked.
I shrugged.
“I’m 6’5”
“You are?! Wow, I didn’t even notice.”
“Stand up,” he said pulling me to my feet. He looked like a huge tree standing next to my 5’2″ frame.
Next thing you know he made a suggestion, “Why don’t we get in?” he asked, motioning toward the ocean.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” he took off his pants and I followed suit, stepping into the warm ocean water. It felt so good. But damn, I couldn’t really play like I wanted to because of all this hair in my head.
After a while I said ‘fuck it’ it’s only hair and I went in to the water and allowed it to caress my body.
“Look,” he said and turned around.
The sun had completely risen from the ocean. We stood and watched, smiling, taking in the moment.
We started talking again as we played around in the water. Boy, he is so easy to talk to. He kind of looks at me with this weird smile while I chatter on and on about my book, my goals, my love for the internet and encouraging people.
“This water feels like a nice warm hug,” I remarked. “I sure need one sometimes.
“I can give you one right now,” he said and pulled me close to him. I’m pretty sure he was on his knees and I was standing in front of him. He wrapped his arms around me and we stood there, nose to nose with the orange sky behind us, completely silent and smiling at each other.
A huge wave pushed us back onto the shore and I got out of the water and back to the blanket, pulling my shorts back on.
He took a picture of me as I finished getting dressed and I think it came out nicely.
After we left the beach, we drove around until we found a nice little breakfast spot right down the street from school. We shared more stories and I had some really good fried fish and grits while he wolfed down a plate of pancakes and eggs and bacon. We both talked about how much we LOVE the cafeteria food because it’s so convenient.
When we got back to our building we stood outside for a minute, just smiling at each other.
“I’m glad I came down to talk to you,” he said.
“I’m glad you did too. I had fun with you.”
I did. I really did. I’ve been meeting a lot of men over the past week, and I mean A LOT. But most of them I dismiss within a few days. ~shakes head~ Yeah, I know I’m horrible.
But, I really hope he and I continue to be friends. He seems cool as hell and..he has a positive attitude. I like that.
Everyone Is In Love
I’ve been trying to think of a way to capture this period in my life but the words just have not been coming to me. I’m gonna try anyway, before the moment passes.
For the longest I’ve watched as my friends and my sister all went through these crazy ass relationships. I’ve watched them be hurt, disrespected, walked over and unappreciated. We’d spend many nights on the phone trying to figure out what’s so wrong with these dudes we keep meeting and why none of them could recognize what we brought to the table as a friend and as a lover.
I remember I used to pray and ask God to PUHLEESE hurry up and send my friends good men who cherished them and really understood their value. I would consistently speak aloud, “God, please make sure my friends are in happy, healthy, stable relationships and once they’re taken care of, then you can work on mine if you want.”
We cried and we cursed and we encouraged each other. We all grew up together, learning and influencing each other as we went through different relationships. Most of the time we didn’t know HOW to help each other through the rough times, but we always did our best to just try and be there.
Now…the tables have turned.
Every single person that I speak to on a regular basis is in a stable, committed healthy relationship with a man who truly adores them. Our conversations are so different now. There’s no more, “Why didn’t he call?” or “I wonder what’s he’s doing?”
Now it’s more like, “I can’t believe this man that God has brought into my life. I would go through everything I went through in the past all over again, just to come to this point.”
My sister- She’s been with Adam for 7 months and she’s already engaged to him. She went through so much crap with her ex husband and she would always say, “God told me to marry him.” I never could understand that…
But now I do. Because she went through so much turmoil and pain while she tried to be a good wife to her ex, she accepts nothing but the most utmost respect from her fiance and he gives it to her without fail. She often compares Adam to her ex and every single time, Adam exceeds all of her expectations. It is as though she went through all of that, in order to better appreciate what she has now.
I have never seen a man who adores a woman quite in the way that Adam adores my sister. He has been calling her his wife since day ONE and could not wait to put that rock on her finger. When I talk to her, I am amazed each day by how much happier she is and how grateful she is that she met someone who knows how to love her the right way, respects her and puts up with her even when she’s in one of her funky moods. I am so happy to witness this! It’s like magic to me!
Tamara- is still doing the damn thing with her boy Pretty Ricky. Their relationship is still a long distance one so it comes with all of the tension that a long distance relationship brings but when I hear my dawg say, “I would be stupid to ever think about giving up what I have.” or “Tee, he is the exact type of man that I prayed for, even down to the fact that he reminds me so much of Nelly!” I can’t help but grin.
I used to tell Tamara all the time, “You have to know what you deserve. Does he deserve you? Do you deserve him?” and now Tamara emphatically answers, “Yes!” I go to sleep at night thinking about how happy she is now and I look forward to meeting him next weekend when they will both be in town.
Kenya- She’s been seeing this guy for quite a while now. I remember at first she used to be a little uneasy about the relationship because it wasn’t adding up to her particular idea of what a relationship was. She compared what she has now to what she had in the past and something seemed to be lacking. But as she went through that I would often wonder, “Why would she want to recreate something that didn’t work before?”
I watched as their relationship transformed and I’ve never gotten a chance to tell her that I’ve learned so much by her sharing with me. What she did was to throw out the concept of relationships that she had in the past, and what she has now, is a committed best friend who is never out of reach and continues to be her biggest supporter in all she does. It’s as though she let go of her desire to turn their relationship into what she thought it should be and then decided to be a friend. That friendship has proven to be more desireable, more beneficial, more fruitful than anything that she has ever known. I learned from her to let things flow and relax into a new definition of grown up love.
Anna- Whoo! I couldn’t even write about Anna’s marriage during those first few months. I wa so filled with fear and anxiety over it that it really affected my life. But now…all I hear are good reports and her relationship is turning into the type of situation that she always wanted. She has a partner to play video games with, watch wrestling with, argue with and laugh with. He’s a handful but so is she and they seem to be handling each other gracefully. It relieves me and fills me with joy everytime she mentions their evolution together.
Kim- Well, Kim is loving life in Chicago. I remember a while back Kim and I had a conversation and I challenged her to stop throwing her emotions out at me when she got mad at her man and she listened, she really did. For one, it has enable me to see him in a new light, instead of having to carry the burden of insignificant trists between the two. Another benefit is that it has transformed their relationship because she now knows how important it is to honor the man who is honoring you and to not run away at the slightest sign of discomfort. Kim doesn’t put up with BS, but I remember reminding her that no one is going to value her relationship unless she values it first.
So those are all of my friends in a nutshell, happy, being loved and loving life right now. With every conversation, every text message, ever love story they share, I feel a bit of the love too and that fuels me and comforts me.
I also hear that my BBDD got engaged this weekend. When my friend told me, I didn’t feel a thing. I don’t suppose I should since I’ve been over him for quite a while but still this is a new phase in all of our lives and I kind of thought that I would feel something. I don’t.
I really pray that everyone I mentioned above continues to enjoy the sweet fruit of true love and they can look at the person they are with and say, “Thank you God, you finally gave me what I deserve!”
Pretty Hot And Tempting
Yes, I’ve been hanging out with Taylor and we’ve had some very interesting conversations. I’m tripping over the fact that this dude and I vibe so well, and well…he’s ~whispering~ white.
Now, I’m not a racist…. LOL! I hate when people say that, but in this case it’s true, it’s just I have only ONE white friend (Hi Ryan!) in real life and the others I’ve met through the net, I haven’t actually MET yet.
But THIS dude! Lord have mercy! This dude is hella sexy. It takes everything in me not to flirt with him. But I’ve been doing well so far, just enjoying the conversation and the company. It’s been a long time since I’ve been around a man who wasn’t attracted to me or at least been around a man who wasn’t try to get some, so I’ve been enjoying this feeling..this feeling of…feeling like an actual person instead of a piece of p**y.
Tonight I called him up, “Hey Taylor what are you doing?”
“Laundry.”
“What do you feel like doing?”
“What do you have in mind?” he asks.
“Let’s get something to drink,” I suggest.
“Sounds good, I’ll be down in a minute.
We ride to the store and pick up some beer and head back to his room to watch TV. We’re drinking and laughing and talking about everything under the sun, clicking through the channels to see if we can agree on something to watch.
We finally see a movie coming on and we both like what we see, so we stop surfing, but we’re still sharing stories about our lives. Taylor got his undergrad degree in PE so he’s looking for PE Coaching jobs. He’s getting his masters in Sports Management.
“Hey T!” I screech when I get a bright idea. “Would you help me to get FINE!” I’m smiling and thinking about how great it would be if I toned up a little.
“What?” he says.
“I want you to help me get FINE!”
He frowns at me and turns his head. “You don’t need any help with that.”
Huh? Wait a minute… Nah..He’s not flirting with me.
Later on we’re laughing and talking again and I’m leaning forward on the edge of his bed while he’s leaning back against the wall.
“Oh my gosh! Did you see that?” I ask him, pointing to the TV screen.
“Naw..It’s kinda hard to watch TV when I got somebody like you sitting next to me,” he says and looks me straight in the eye.
FIRST OF ALL!
Ooh LORD!
Somebody better hold me back!
This sexy ass, fine ass, tall ass, young ass, college student ass, cool ass, intelligent ass, backwards cap wearing ass, white boy better not come near me!
SOMEBODY lock me in my room cuz if he don’t stop playin with me…
~gasp~
Ms. Tee is about to cross the color line!
A Detached Viewpoint
Oh gosh…
Me and my emotions…
I was feeling good all day until I went to class.
When the teacher said, “Turn to chapter 8, today we will be discussing committed relationships and dating.” my eyes started to tear.
After about an hour of listening to people tell stories of their courtships and how their relationships began, I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I couldn’t calm myself down so I left. I walked back to my car and sat down and I cried and cried.
I don’t know why I decided to get a masters in Relationship Counseling. How in the hell did I end up here? I have no personal experience. I don’t date anyone at all. All I do is have one night stands and then move on. I don’t know what it’s like to meet someone and like them and have them like me back. I have no idea what that feeling is when you are attracted to someone and they tell you that they want to be with you in a relationship.
I try to remember from what I had with my BBDD but that shit was all fucked up so…I don’t like to think about that.
This shit is taking a toll on me. I’m always the outsider in class discussions, bringing a detached viewpoint of relationships.
I don’t know what to say.
I have nothing to say.
All I know is..having to talk about this stuff, it really reminds me that I’ve never had that and I can’t imagine that I ever will. Sure, I try to write stories about Steve, my imaginary boyfriend, but those are even hard to come up with because I have nothing personal to pull from.
Man…
Go Tee! It’s My BIRTHDAY!
29!29!29!CANCER!CANCER!GROWN LADY!SHAKE DAT ASS!Thanks for celebrating with me…Love, Ms. Tee(Happy Birthday Yolanda!)
Happy Birthday From Kanye
What a great way to start out my day!
Thanks Kanye!
Kiss & Tell
Come on…
You know I had to see what Taylor had to offer.
When I told my friends that I slept with him they all wanted to know, “What was it like to sleep with a white man!”
Well…
That shit was off the chain!
I’ll be honest though, I don’t think it had much to do with his skin color. That dude is just sexy as hell and he knows what he is doing. It wasn’t much different from being with a Black man, except he had blonde hair all over his body.
“Ughhh!” one of my friends said. “I can’t believe you did that!”
“Umm, close your mouth, it was not what you would expect.”
First of all, that myth that all white dudes have small ~you know whats~? Child please! Taylor was packing just as much if not MORE than the average Black man that I’ve experienced. The best thing about him was…he knew what to do with it.
The last guy I met who was packing like that was the most boring dude I’ve ever been with in bed. He had absolutely no skills and I was so upset with him for wasting my time.
It’s crazy but…when I was doing it with him, it wasn’t about his skin, my past or anything other than he and I trying our best to please each other. He does all the things I like (with precision) and for the first time in a long time, I experienced the fullness of having my body be appreciated.
He kissed me often, which I don’t find that most men do. They’re so caught up in bustin one that they forget to do things like kiss you on the lips while they’re hitting it from behind or rub your body and tell you how sexy you are. I remember him saying, “You look so good…Look at that..” It gave me chills.
And oh yes…I got mine. Three times.
Please don’t throw away my Black card but when I was with him, I felt sexier than Beyonce. I felt like my body was being adored by him. I did a few extra tricks just to show off and honey, he deserved it. He gave me so much in return.
I had a great time with him and I wish that we could do it again..It’s not about his skin, it’s about HIM being HIM and giving me what I’ve been needing for quite a while.
But you know me. I’m the same Ms. Tee. Issues maybe?
Being intimate with any man is like sitting at the top of a slide and pushing off…there’s nowhere to go but down…
Taylor and I have not spoken to or seen each other since then. I won’t call. He hasn’t called. I’ll call it a stand-off.
I missed him for a minute, remembering that I kinda liked getting to know him and hearing about his hippie adventures. Man..secks sure does ruin things. I had hoped that he and I could be friends but I can’t seem to be friends with a man that I’m attracted to especially when I find out that he’s attracted to me…
I got a long lecture from Tamara about it on my birthday.
“Tee! You can’t keep doing this! I know you liked him. I’m tired of seeing you hurting like this. You have to give men a chance to know who you are before you sleep with them and you have to know them. You have to stop this or you’re always gonna keep getting the same thing.”
She’s right.
I’m doing this to myself.
Or am I?
Is it possible that I could meet a man who loves expressing himself sexually like I do and would appreciate that part of who I am along with loving all of my other traits?
Do I really have to change and be on some 3 month rule?
I don’t know..but I’m kinda tired of fast beginnings and even faster endings… I’d really like to see what else happens after the first week. LOL!
I’m laughing but…not really…
What a Birthday!
I woke up from a crazy ass dream and my eyes were drawn to the sun peeking in through the blinds. For a minute I didn’t know where I was but then I remembered, oh I’m at the dorms. My next question had a hint of hope in it, “Maybe I slept through my birthday and I missed it.”
A quick glance at the phone and I realized that I hadn’t. It was close to 7am. I sat up in bed and prayed for my day. “God please let things be okay. Guide me today. Be with me today.”
I got up and pulled on a pair of shorts and then I walked over to breakfast, praying and talking to God the whole time. When I got back to my room after eating some cereal and a bowl of fruit, I took a shower and began my dressing process.
I chose a simple white summer dress for my birthday. Silver accessories and silver sandals, eye liner, foundation and a little blush. I brushed out my hair and smiled at my reflection.
“Ok. I can do this. I can handle this. Whatever this is going to be.”
I plaed Luke’s song, It’s Your Birthday and I danced to it, shaking my ass, trying to get excited about turning 29.
I hopped into my car and drove to the metrorail station. After parking I hustld up to the platform and sat down, shaking my head and trying to think positive thoughts.
When I got downtown I found the building easily. I tookt he elevator to the second floor and signed in.
“I’m here for my child support hearing,” I told the man at the metal detector.
“You’re an hour early, they’re not ready yet,” he said. “You can come back later and we’ll let you right in.”
I walked over to a nearby plaza and sat down on a chair with my bag on my lap. The sun was bright, the air was nice, but my heart was hurting. “I can’t believe this man is suing me for child support,” I murmured. “He doesn’t need it. But damn…he wants it anyway.”
Since I was feeling so down, I had turned off my phone. I didn’t want to deal with all of the Happy Birthday calls and text messages from my friends. I couldn’t even bring myself to have to answer, “What are you doing for your birthday?”
Umm..I’m going to court to be sued by my BBDD. Didn’t want to have to explain that.
I called my little sister and she made me laugh by telling jokes and telling stories about how her fiance keeps treating her so well. That always uplifts me.
“Ok girl, lemme go. It’s time.”
I walked back over to the building, signed in again and sat down in the lobby with the other people waiting for their case to be heard. A few minutes later, my BBDD walks in with his suit on, checks in and smiles at me.
“Hi, Ms. Patterson,” he says and sits down next to me.
I didn’t respond. It was whatever.
When they said it was time, we all had to go through the metal detectors and fill out forms. Then they called us, couple by couple to be interviewed.
As he and I sat next to each other, I didn’t say much.
“How much income do you have?”the woman asked me.
“I have a blogging job that brings in $75 a month. That’s my only consistent income.”
We filled out our forms and they did the computer calculations. With his income of $5731.78 a month and my income of $75, they raised my income to imputed which means that I should be making a minimum wage so they calculated it to minimum wage which is $1,017.10 a month.
The lady showed us the paperwork and asked him if he wanted back child support, which he said he did. She calculated that I owed him $7,774.12 for the time he has had the children. Then she said that I would have to pay $357.28 a month plus whatever amount the judge sets for arrears.
My heart ached. But I cringed when I heard him ask, “Is there any way that we can do an investigation to be able to find out if that’s really all she’s making?”
The lady looked at him with a tight lip. “You can ask the judge that.”
We went back inside the waiting room and they called us all in the court room. The judge walked in, we had to stand and sit down again. We watched as other cases were heard. The judge was a Black man who was probably in his late 40’s, he was personable and kinda jovial.
The first case that we heard, the woman was suing her ex for child support, but when sat down, she was getting the case dismissed. He still had to pay her the arrears, which the judge set at $50 a month and the judge told him to hurry and get a job before the first payment hits.
“Don’t worry,” his ex said and looked at him and then the judge. “He’s trying so when I get paid I’m going to give him the money so he can make the payments until he gets back on his feet.”
I was shocked. I should have had my babies from her!
We listened to a few more cases before they called our names. I sat in the seat that I had seen all the women sit in but they made me switch seats when they learned that he was the one suing me.
The judge asked him where he worked and he told them XYZ law firm. The judge asked him what he did there and he replied, “I’m an associate attorney.”
I could hear the people in the room gasp.
Then the judge asked me what I did. I told him that I am a blogger and a student.
“Which school?”
I told him.
“What are you studying?”
“”I’m getting my masters in Marriage/Family/Therapy.”
“Ohh,” the judge smiled. “A masters?”
My BBDD laughed.
“I make straight A’s” I said proudly. “I’m a writer. I write for the Herald.”
“Oh really?” the judge asked. “Where can I read some of your work?”
“It’s in the paper sporadically, but you can google me and read my portfolio.”
“Where did you go for undergrad,” he asked.
“I went to the University of Florida.”
The judge smiled. “Why did the children change hands?”
I sighed and released my emotions. I told the story of how I took care of my sons, was on foodstamps, section 8, welfare and every other program you could name while he graduated from law school and went on to enjoy his career. I could never get the case modified because everytime I would, I’d get some paperwork about him contesting paternity or filing for custody so the case was stalled many times for many years.
I was a secretary for so many different companies and then I wanted to step out and do what I do, which is be a journalist, so I took a risk and changed jobs and then I lost my job. After months of handling my bills with no income and abosultely no help from HIM, he offered to take them for me while I looked for a job. He never once told the courts that he was now an attorney and making more money. He never once complied and made it easier for my household.
I sighed when I was done and the judge kinda smirked. Everything that I said had nothing to do with the day’s case, but at least I let it be known, on record and in court…and in front of him.
When the judge finished questioning me about my work history and laughing as I told him about hopping from job to job and city to city, I could feel the women in the room staring at my BBDD and giving him the ‘you nasty motherfucker’ look.
He set my payment to just around $500 a month and I asked him when my first payment was due and he said, July 6th.
I almost fell out. I don’t have any money for that. I don’t know how I could get it. What am I supposed to do about spending time with my sons and taking them out to eat if I have to give him all of that money every month? I can barely afford to feed them when we spend time together now, which limits the amount of time I can spend with them.
My BBDD raised his voice, “Um, we’re about to leave with this financial information,” he said to the judge. “And she has a blog. I just want to make sure she knows she can’t mention this information on her blog.”
The judge replied quickly, “This information is public record. Anyone can look it up and see it.”
Ohh..so he’s so worried about looking like an ass on the internet? Well, I wasn’t going to but I guess I can include his name then…
Everyone you can say hi to Salisu A. Richardson, Esq. Better known as “Sal”. He’s my BBDD. Mr. Empowerment, Mr. Forward Movement himself.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, tears already running down my cheeks.
“You have a month to come up with the money,” the judge said.
My BBDD walked out first and I saw him look at me. I was so embarrassed to let him see me cry but I couldn’t help it. Two women from the court followed me outside and rubbed my back, telling me that it was gonna be alright and that I was gonna make it through this.
“He’s nasty! He has no business doing this, he’s a MAN and he has more than enough money to take care of them without your help,” they commented, referring to my BBDD. “But God’s got a plan for you. God wants to get the glory in this. All you have to do is trust that you are gonna make it through this. And pay what you can, something is better than nothing.”
They blessed me and I dried my tears and walked out of the courthouse.
It started raining as soon as I stepped outside and I opened my umbrella and walked back to the train station, not believing what had just happened.
I rode back up north and went back to my car. At first I was gonna go back to my room and cry but I decided to stick to my plan and treat myself to a bucket of garlic crabs for my birthday. I drove over to the crab place on 79th street and bought a small bucket. Then I went back to my room and cried again as I undressed and changed clothes. I sat on my bed and opened my bucket.
Happy Birthday to me.
I tasted the first crab and my shoulders fell.
Fuck..these crabs are nasty. I ate the whole thing anyway, upset the entire time that my treat wasn’t really a treat at all. I then went to the cafeteria and had dinner. I could barely eat, my entire body felt so heavy.
I turned on my phone and just as I did, my boys called me to see how my birthday went. I told them it was fine.
“Mama,” my almost 6 year old said, “When you come see us for my birthday, can we buy you a cake for your birthday too?”
I love him. He’s so good to me.
“Aww baby, that’s so sweet of you, but we’ll have to see about that. As long as you have your cake, I’ll be happy. We’re gonna get one for you. We’re gonna have a slumber party and stay with your uncle Erick and sleep on the floor! It’s gonna be great!”
I was trying to make the arrangements sound as exciting as possible and guess what– it worked.
“What’s a slumber party?” my son asked.
“It’s when we all sleep on the floor and stay up late, eat popcorn, have pillow fights and watch movies and dance and have fun!”
“Oohh!” he said. “I like that.”
I hung up with them and went back to my room. I logged in to the internet but I could barely move to type anything. My body felt so drained. So drained.
I looked at the clock. 7pm. Oh damn.. I lay there hoping to go to sleep so that this day would be over. Sleep didn’t come.
So I just layed there. And I felt the heaviness pressing down on my chest. And I pictured him laughing at me. And I pictured him clapping and celebrating with his fiance. And I wondered what kid of friends he has that would encourage him to do this when he KNOWS I’m trying to do my best and make a life for myself and my sons.
Why is he so intent on stopping my progress? WHy is he so against me?
And then the answer came. His voice in my ear whispering, “I told you not to have those kids.”
I finally fell asleep around 1am I guess. I woke up this morning with a heaviness on my heart but my intuition said, “Go downtown.”
There I met a woman who smiled at me and said, “Don’t worry, you’ve met me now. We’re gonna work on this together. We’ll see what we can do.”