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Juicy Fruit

So yeah…

This is my last week of classes. Feels weird. I know I did my best and I’m going to do well. Hell, it was a very easy semester. I’m all about learning soo…..grad school has been good to me.

I gave my final presentation tonight during class and the whole class laughed at me and said I need to go out because I have too much time on my hands. ~smile~ They only made that comment because it seemed like I put wayyy too much effort into my power point presentation when the presentation was optional. Man, it only took me about 5 hours to do it, but it was creative and interactive so I know they enjoyed it. I enjoyed presenting it as well.

I made the presentation as if it was my own TV talk show and I had two couples (fake pictures of people) as my guests who were discussing their relationship issues. The second scenario that I posed came straight from one of my own friend’s life. She is a constant source of practice for me and my therapy techniques. Yes, I’m talking about Tamara.

You could call her…A therapist’s best friend.

Anyway…I had a simply fabulous day today. Nothing out of the norm happened, it’s just that I’m in such a great mood. I can see how certain people were removed from my life and others added and it feels good to trust that only the people who are like minded will stick around. I love that!

Tomorrow I’m picking up my boys for the entire weekend and I’m so krunk! We get to spend all the time together and we’ll probably go to the beach and hang out at Circuit City again.

I don’t know ya’ll. I’ve been seeing manifestations pop up left and right. It’s as though my life is on a train ride to SUCCESSVILLE and no one can tell but me.

Yes, I can see it. I’m so excited about my future. Hell, I’m excited about today because today my Mama shared her conch with me and it was soooo good!

The mangoes on the tree in the backyard are growing too. ~sigh~

I can’t wait to see the juicy fruit bloom…

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Positive Visualization and Second Life

Aight…I have to admit, my time spent on Second Life (SL) is relaxing and becoming more and more fun each day. It’s become my social outlet.

I’ve got my second life addiction under control now. What I do is, do my work first and when my brain gets tired I’ll hop on SL to see who’s around and what they are up to.The most amazing thing about SL is the fact that it coincides with my real life (RL) dreams. It’s as though I’m living out my wildest fantasies in the virtual world.

I actually started a job in SL this week. I know that sounds crazy but I am now a reporter and anchor for a virtual talk show. I get paid in virtual money, which does transfer over to RL money but I plan to use my virtual money to rent an apartment or a house until I can build my own.

Why am I looking for a virtual home? To hang out, invite people over and have a place to go change clothes before events instead of ducking behind a tree when I’m changing. Although the bodies are avatars, they sure are life-like with pubic hair, nipples and everything.I know that sounds crazy but…it’s real, sorta.

The rent I’m looking to pay is about $350 a week which fits nicely along with my reporter salary. I walked into a house today (virtually) and I fell in love. I thought I was dreaming. It is a huge open space with natural wood floors and the master suite on the 2nd floor is the same size as the first floor.

I stood there in the middle of the room and kept staring at the floor thinking, “This is the floor that I imagined for my REAL home.” Maybe as I continue to play, the REAL LIFE manifestations will appear even more quickly.

This Second Life deal perfectly aligns with my positive visualization practice. In SL I am achieving the dreams I always wanted to achieve in RL. I find that most people I meet in SL are doing the same. My co host for the virtual talk show is a magazine publisher in SL. She says that she always wanted to be a publisher in RL but never got the opportunity.

I’m not overlooking the fact that this virtual broadcast experience will boost my own journalism portfolio. Each article that I write for the website and each show I produce will be added to my portfolio. It’s not much of a difference in the time I put into each article I write. They still get posted to a website, just like my most recent article. I think that as this particular brand of journalism becomes more mainstream, this experience will become even more valuable to my career. Think about it..a published writing clip is still a published writing clip.

Look at how blogging has exploded. Every major media outlout has a team of bloggers now when 10 years ago no one respected blogging as a form of journalism. I believe I am on the cutting edge of an innovative form of journalism and I promise to link to the shows I produce for the lifestyle show I am co-hosting so that everyone will see what I’m talking about.

Law of attraction. Positive Visualization. The Science of Getting Rich. They all require you to imagine that you already have the thing you most want. Through Second Life, I can do that.

Who knows what else will become of this.

I’m definately going to stick around to find out…

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Procrastinating….

Ahh…
What have I been up to?

Procrastinating.

Seriously. I find a million reasons to put off doing my last papers and studying for my final which is Wednesday. I HATE when people tell me the real due date for something because I literally can not work on it until the day before its due. That sucks.

Really it does.

So I’ve been looking forward to Tuesday, tomorrow. Tomorrow’s gonna be crunch time for me. I’m gonna be working overtime to finish all of my assignments and I’ll do well too, cuz I work better under pressure.

Ohh..I did enjoy my boys this weekend. We cuddled and cuddled and talked. I showed them Second Life and they LOVE it! They played it more than I did! They had me on basketball courts in my stilettos shooting hoops, at the skate park, riding motorcycles and driving cars into the ocean. It was a lot of fun watching them play, ask questions and visit places that I’ve never been.

Although I use SL for social purposes, they are content to explore the castles and buildings and what not.

I did rent a home but after living in it for a week and it still looking so bare, I’m thinking I’m gonna go back to being homeless. Furniture shopping is annoying. But it sure is great to have a home to go to so that I can change clothes and hang out with my sister, who joined SL and promptly moved in with me.

I also joined a group called 3rd.Life. The whole purpose of SL is social networking so it’s like a gigantic 3-D Facebook. You join groups and that group holds an event and you “go” and you meet others like yourself. So, I joined that group and the purpose of that group is to discuss how SL affects your first life. Yeah..pretty much a psychology group, but I love it.

They even have a blog where they post the “minutes” of the meetings. The last topic discussed was SL Drama. Most of it centering around relationships that people have.

Yes, people do meet and marry on SL. They have virtual weddings and everything. I mean..EVERYTHING…like wedding cakes, bachelorette parties and wedding parties all dolled up in matching outfits. It’s wild.

I took my sister out to a party and she was like, “Where are all the men?” after looking around the club filled with booty-short clad women vying for the 1000Linden prize for best body in shorts.

“Ya’ll gay” she typed so the whole room could read and then she teleported the hell out of there.

She went back to my house to try on some more eyelashes and stuff she picked out.

Ahhh…Second Life…. Lots of entertainment.

I think it would be so much fun if all of my friends joined SL instead of using that elementary school ass myspace. We could buy an island and build homes and live right next to each other. I think it would be cool.

I had a discussion today about marriage with one of the men I met on SL. My idea is that marriage was constructed as a social norm when religion came into popularity. He said I only think that way because I’m only exposed to Christianity and there are far more religions than that one. He even said that in other cultures like…was it Switzerland or Scotland??…marriage is viewed as more of a tradition that people are straying away from, instead of a social norm. But he says that this is because their society is more accepting of what our society calls deviant sexual behaviors like transgendered people and homosexuals.

I don’t know…to me marriage has become a legality. I think that you can honor someone with your love without signing a piece of paper. I also believe that the divorce does not happen when the divorce papers are signed, it happens when the two parties seperate emotionally and are not bonded to each other anymore.

A piece of paper means nothing to God, only the IRS and the insurance companies care about that. I told the guy, who is from North Africa, “If I ever find a good reason to be married, I will do it, but until then…love isn’t enough. We can be friends if all that we have is love. I am not pressed.”
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Does Love Feel Like Fear?

My life is a miracle.

I woke up this morning, confused as hell.

This is the 4th night in a row that I have dreamt about my BBDD. No, these aren’t X-rated dreams, these are weird because in the dreams we are friends. In one of the dreams, he had both of his legs amputated and I was pushing him around in his wheelchair. In another we were leading a group of teens on a field trip out of town. In each of the dreams we’re working together.

I don’t know.

And then…my heart lifted when I thought about my friend’s website. You guys have to check it out. It’s so amazing.

When I first met him, his love column was email based, then as time went on, he switched to having a blog. Then he got an official website and then he got real design work done on it and then he added his own video show to the site and then he added a comedy sketch series to it and then he added celebrity guests and now he has his own line of apparrel.

Do you get it?

PROGRESS BABY! PROGRESS!

So I’m confused because..he has a girlfriend…but this morning I was feeling so attracted to him. Seriously, I was in a ‘I’m so proud of him I would fuck him’ kind of mode.

Whoa!

Why does progress turn me on so much?

This feeling I have, I know it’s attraction and appreciation but it feels like love..which feels like fear. Do love and fear feel the same?

And when I think about attraction, I think of JB. Remember him?

I do.

He was the last man who was sorta my boyfriend…way back when. And it was kinda fun. And I enjoyed him. And he was so fine to me. And he was even skinnier than I am but I didn’t mind. But he also had some traits that I found to be undesireable..but I hung in there anyway because I thought he was wonderful. I guess he didn’t feel the same way about me.

Anyway… I’m scaring myself this morning because I have not given any thought to being in a relationship in a while. Maybe it’s this appreciation/attraction for my friend that’s doing it to me today. Or maybe I’m just infatuated with the idea of progress itself. Maybe I’m in love with progress and anyone who exhibits it, will become the object of my affection.

Or maybe I’m jealous. I have so many projects that I flitter and flutter between and none of them is REALLY consistent and polished. Maybe this feeling for my friend is jealousy mixed with admiration.

~shrugs~

I don’t know… All I know is.. I wish this feeling will go away because it causes me to wonder if I’m missing something….

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May’s Blessings

Wow.

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve sat down to write and I didn’t have a million things hanging over my head.

Tonight I went to campus and took my last final exam.

~shivering~

I’m done with my first semester of grad school.

Wow. How did I get here? Did I do okay? Will I pass on and get a masters degree? Wow. That shit sounds so foreign to me.

I know I’m of above average intelligence (maybe) but I wasn’t good at college. Memorizing and spitting back facts on a multiple choice test never was my thang. But I’m here. And I’m trying again.

And I’m feeling all emotional because it’s a brand new month and every month something BIG and SHINY and NEW happens in my life. I’m not afraid of change, I’m just nervous to see how BIG the change will be. Fuck it, I’m fearless but at the same time, I’m just…just…just hoping for some of the things I have been wishing for to come to pass.

I’d like to see my intentions manifested.

A beautiful, spacious home of my own in the Miami Shores/North Miami area so that I can have my sons back with me.

A solid, generous income generated from a creative endeavor that is flexible and allows me to use all of the skills I have developed as a writer, leader and creative genius.

My children’s father to finally be happy in his life and the evidence will be shown in the way he interacts with me.

Health insurance so that I can go to the doctor to make sure my body is okay.

The security not to have to say to my sons, “I can’t afford it.”

A really happy birthday dinner with my sons.

Happy surprises everyday.

Well…come on MAY. I’m here. I’m ready for whatever changes you have for my life.

Cheers!

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Just Like Mommy

Ughh…

I’m still working on that parenting blog and I’m getting better because I’ll try to write when I’m inspired to write and then publish on the day it’s supposed to be published. But this week I didn’t do that because I forgot all about it so my blog post for this week is garbage..again.

~shakes head~

When I think about my son I have a mixture of pain and pride. My oldest son, he’s 7, and he’s so brilliant. I know that most people say that about their children but he really has traits that even I don’t have like he’s practical, and reasonable and just…level headed. He’s good to have around to remind me of sides that I don’t see for myself in a situation. Yeah..he’s 7, I told you that he’s great.

But there’s another side to his personality. When my Mama sees it she says to him, “Hello Ms. Tee Jr.”

Yep, his temperament is like mine. He’s sensitive. He’s driven. He’s a perfectionist and he can not take faltering at anything. It ruins his mood if he doesn’t get it exactly right the first time he tries. He’ll literally curl up and cry.

When he does that, I just take a moment and I cry for him too on the inside because I know how badly I wanted to do well and exceed expectations and be this superkid and that’s because I wanted my parents to say something good to me. But I tell him he’s great all the time because I didn’t want him to have that same pressure but he still has it. It’s as though his view of his self worth is based on how many A’s he can earn or how fast he can master a video game or new topic.

He’s so beautiful and talented and personable…I don’t know how I can help this other side of him, this competitive side. I tell him that it doesn’t matter what he does or what happens, I’ll always love him and think he’s amazing but he still has this “I can do better” attitude.

Just like me….

When will we ever be satisfied?

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The Blueprint

Second Life is teaching me a lot about myself.

A lot of the parts I don’t want to admit to but I see them so clearly. When I meet men on SL, if we spend any time together, I’m immediately looking for reasons NOT to talk to them again. Even though it’s an avatar, I’m still sensitive, I still have feelings and I’m still afraid of meeting someone that I like who likes me too.

Yep, and it’s supposed to be just a virtual world.

The other day I asked a guyfriend what he thinks of my theory that Love feels like Fear. He said that the two emotions may be similar to me because I have a fear of love.

Hmmm..That makes sense.

I have also started writing for the virtual publications but it’s the exact same thing as writing for websites except I get paid in virtual money instead of real dollars. So I’ve learned to say NO to stories that I wouldn’t write in real life because I’m not getting paid for real and I am not going to waste my time doing some puff piece that won’t add to my portfolio. I had to tell one of the SL editors yesterday, “sorry, but I won’t write this piece.” I rarely ever say that to an editor because I’m just about to pull out of the freelancing stage where I have to accept every assignment that I get just to make some money.

Freelancing is no joke, ya’ll. It’s a nice side gig but as the main gig, it’s not what it seems like. Query letters? Please! Maybe that’s why I’m not in the major mags yet. I never write those. What I do is build a relationship with the editor and my pitches are so informal but they work.

Sometimes I wish I had never been introduced to SL. I have fun meeting people sometimes but it’s not much different than interacting in RL. People judge you by what you’re wearing, you form business partnerships, men want to have secks with you, you meet other women who gossip and back bite. Sometimes you say the wrong things or befriend people who mean you no good.

Then there’s rent to pay…shopping to do and an image to maintain when all you really want to do is wild out. Maybe I shouldn’t have joined SL to expand my journalism career, I think it would be a lot more fun if I could just have no responsibilities. In a way, I think I’m trying to make my Second Life…become the blueprint for my first one.

~sigh~

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My Amazing Second Life

I went to a bachelorette party and YES, there were strippers and YES, they got NEKKID! I was blown away.

There’s CHURCH every Sunday morning. I’ve been in attendance, praising the Lord and listening to the WORD from a live preacher!

My little sister Teenie joined SL and moved in with me. This is a pic of me and her out and about somewhere.

This is a pic I took at a club. Now get this…every single person on that screen is a real person sitting at home in front of their computer. Our avatars dance with each other, chat with each other and are unique. There were over 90 people at this club when I was there. And these were mostly BLACK PEOPLE! There is a live DJ streaming music over the internet and everyone is at home listening through headphones. Every club plays a different type of music so you can always find a place that plays what you want to listen to.


This is a pic of me with a wig on, doing the tango with some random man that I met who was from LA.


I was assigned to cover the new cinema opening. I went in and watched a series of short films by British filmmakers. That’s my editor Bruce sitting with me. The film was REAL. It was an amazing experience!

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I’m on Twitter!

I had no idea what Twitter was but Curtis the super computer geek nerd from Atlanta told me about it today. I looked at it and signed up and was like.. HELL NAW!

Are you telling me that in addition to the once a day thoughtful, super long blog posts, I can actually make a super brief, micro blog of what I’m doing or thinking?

Damn! That sounds like fun. I’ll probably update it like a HUNDRED times a day!

Ok, so to the right on the sidebar, I put a live feed update widget that reads WHAT AM I DOING RIGHT NOW?— so in case you don’t want to visit my Twitter page all day everyday to read frequent updates about what I’m doing… you can just visit this blog or join Twitter and subscribe and they’ll give u a feed.

I am over here rubbing my hands in anticipation of the things I’ll share….

Oohhhh.. My friends are gonna kill me!