My first post of 2009.
I have a lot on my mind right now so I’ll just tackle one topic at a time and hopefully I’ll make some sense of everything I’m feeling.
Tamara
My dawg is doing well. She called me tonite to describe the outfit she’s wearing to her friend’s 30th birthday party. ~smile~ Tamara and I will talk about the most mundane topics and the crazy part is…we really care. I’m feeling all weird and nervous about her most recent transition out of the relationship she has been in for the past year and a half. ~sigh~
She met this dude so quickly after breaking up with her BBDD and he is finer than most of the men I’ve seen in my lifetime. He’s sweet, he’s generous and he adores her but…Tamara is not really feeling him like that. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the long distance that killing their vibe but to be honest I think it’s him.
Tamara is the type of woman who will stay with you through thick and thin. When I would run the hell away at the first sign of trouble, Tamara will stay and try to help you work through it. I always admired her for that but at the same time I always said she shouldn’t be so nice. She worked with him through his mood swings and what not and…it’s still not working. I hate to think that she may be considering getting back with her BBDD and she assures me she is not but I don’t know. We can not have one conversation without his name coming up and I can hear the smile on her face through the phone. I don’t know man… I wish she would meet someone new and GROWN and ready for her. Someone who deserves her.
Stupid Feelings
Alright. You know how at the beginning of a new year you’re supposed to leave the past in the past? I’m all for that except my heart won’t line up with it. I know I only talked to Steve for like a couple of weeks but I didn’t talk to him cuz he was rich or he could add to my life or he was so fine..I have no idea why I liked him so much. I.just.did.
Those feelings have not gone away and it’s to the point where I’m driving in my car and I’m remembering when I let him drive it and how we joked and smoked and laughed and talked about whatever. I know, I’m dumb.
Tamara was like, “Welcome to the world of ‘you can’t help who you like’.” That upset me. It’s crazy but…I’m meeting so many men and as usual I’m not interested in any of them but…you know how I would usually just use them for secks? Well, I can’t even do that anymore. I can’t get aroused anymore.
I remember the feeling I had when I did it with Steve and the smoothness of it all. I felt like I didn’t put any effort into being with him physically and I was all tired after it was done. I felt like he touched more than my body. I feel stupid for even admitting this.
He sent me a sweet text message telling me how he really liked me and how I moved too fast for him and I responded with some uptight message cuz I was hurting at the time. We haven’t spoken. I don’t really want to talk to him or see him. I really just want the memories to fade and I know they will..in time.
I think the biggest lesson I learned from Steve was how good it feels to be with someone that I actually LIKE. I don’t think I can go back to doing what I was doing before- you know- keeping my emotions seperate from my secks life. I want that feeling again…I want to take that risk again, but I am still scared cuz look how that turned out.
I’m dealing with so many dudes that I do not like and every one of them professes how much they like me and want to be with me. I think it’s cuz I’m not trying to sleep with them. I don’t think it’s sincere yet, I haven’t heard words like this in many, many years. Still don’t believe them but it’s nice to hear.
School
It’s starting again next week and I just want to go to class, learn and go home. None of that socializing shit man. Damn…It’s so hard to do since our classes are small and I really try not to talk to anyone about anything outside of what we’re learning but it never happens. I guess I want so much to be anti social and to not expose who I am to people cuz I don’t want their opinions of judgements but..I’m not really anti social, I just play one on TV.
I get to take 3 great classes this semester and I am so excited! Couples Therapy-Individual Therapy-Group Counseling. Dang! I can’t even imagine what I will learn! I can’t wait!
What’s funny is I never even checked my grades from last semester. After my last class, I decided that grades were not that important to me. As long as I pass I’m cool. I turned down the invitation to be in the honor society and I’m not trying to become active on campus. This isn’t undergrad-I don’t want to be popular. I just want to learn as much as I can.
My Activities
I know that I have the skills to become successful at whatever I pursue and I always embrace the opportunities that are presented to me wholeheartedly but it’s time to make some decisions.
I want to continue to pursue a publisher and focus on marketing my book. I also want to continue to host my radio talk show. I also want to learn more about DJing professionally. And…I want to put my heart into developing this internet talk show that I’ve been offered. I’m not sure if I can do all of that at once though. I need to pick one and make it great. Ok, one or two. Fuck. If only I didn’t have to worry about money and eating and shit like that. I also think I’m putting more pressure on myself because I can’t take care of my sons like I want to. That’s making me consider just stopping everything and getting some random ass job and do what everyone else is doing..being miserable to pay the bills.
I don’t want my sons to talk about me like other people talk about their parents, “My Mom could have been so great…”
My Looks
Even though I no longer speak to Reagan and I am so glad about that, I still hear all the advice he gave me swirling around in my head. He gave great advice, it was just the damn way he said it. I hated that shit. I don’t like to be spoken to as though I am some scum on the side of the road. Couldn’t take it. He consistently criticized the way I looked and said that the way I look doesn’t match up with who I am.
My Mama had a talk with me tonite about the way I look. She says I’m almost where I should be professionally I just need to step my game up as far as my appearance. My sister has done it- she looks more beautiful everytime I see her. Tamara has definitely stepped it up. I’m still the same, wearing last year’s Target clothes and shoes and looking like me.
I hate it when I know there is something that I need to improve because once I notice that an improvement needs to be made, I have to tackle it immediately. I don’t have the money right now to work on my appearance. I just do the best with what I have. I’m not tacky by a long shot, I’m just not precise with it. I don’t have the grown lady polished look that I should have. I don’t look like a star yet. I know for a fact that if you have a goal you HAVE TO PLAY THE PART right now even BEFORE you can see the accomplishment. I want to. Maybe this year something will happen that will allow me to look the way I feel on the inside. I love who I am.
The new Mrs.
Kim got married the day after Xmas. She called me as soon as the wedding was over to tell me how it went. I felt so special. She even texted me during her reception AND she has been calling me during her honeymoon.
I was like, “Kim. STOP calling me and enjoy yourself.”
“I just want to share it with someone who I KNOW will appreciate how happy I am, dawg,” she said.
I know. I know.
If you’re on my facebook friends list you can look through my friends photo album and see a pic of Kim on her wedding day. Kim had a very small wedding and went to a restaurant for her reception and is at a resort for her quick honeymoon.
“I gotta go girl, my husband is coming back in,” she told me last nite. Oh Lord…Kim is soo into playing roles that it’s gonna be hilarious to watch her settle into being a wife.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel like that because right now I am a little annoyed by everyone rushing around to get married and feeling unsuccessful because of it. I often wonder why people get married anyway. I used to want to get married because I thought God would be mad at me if I wasn’t married and I had secks but I don’t believe that crap anymore. I have no pressure from my parents or myself when I see other people get married so..I’m in no rush.
In fact..I’m wondering what the hell the feeling is that people get when they WANT to get married? Why tie yourself to one person? What’s the deal with that? What is it that makes you want to be with ONE PERSON? I don’t get it. Don’t get it.
My Wish List
Last Year’s Wish List went so well that I have to do another one. All I did was write down a bunch of things that I wished would happen and then I forgot about the list. I never looked at it again until a couple of weeks ago. Most of that shit happened for real and some of the things that hadn’t happened..well, they happened right after I read the list. It was crazy.
So here we go again…
My WISH LIST FOR 2009
To remain healthy in mind, body and spirit.
To gain a larger audience for my creative work across all mediums- TV, RADIO, INTERNET.
Move into a beautiful, spacious home with my sons with ease, speed, comfort and joy.
Continue to learn life changing lessons in school and share with others.
Win an award that propels my writing career to the next level.
Have a spectacular birthday celebration with lots of laughter, love and happy tears.
Meet, embrace and experience the bliss of falling in love with someone who is as brilliant and successful as Kanye and who adores everything about me and deserves me.
Travel to see Tamara for her 30th birthday.
Bless my parents financially.
Become a Reiki practitioner.
Give speeches and workshops about subjects that are dear to my heart like Black history and Self Acceptance.
Completely revamp my wardrobe.
Get my teeth fixed.
Gain a financial investor that is easy to work with who wants to invest in my projects and reap the benefits of backing me.
Receive a steady, abundant income from my creative work that covers every expense and all of my desires as well.
Publish my first book and set a solid deal for my next one.
Have beautiful birthday celebrations for my sons.
And just for fun…I want to meet Kanye West this year. LOL! That actually made me laugh out loud.
Now..I’ll let it go. I always get what I want. I’ll check this list again in December 2009 and see what happened.
Many blessings to you as you strive to figure out where you’re headed this year. It’s really your choice. Where do you want to go? What do you want to happen? Focus on that instead of what happened last year and you will experience magic. I promise!