I had a rough day today…
It was one of those days where I could have ended up in tears, hiding under the covers and hating myself but…
I chose not to.
I took out my camera and clicked through the pictures from this weekend. I love my sons. I know that’s a given but they really…feed me..feel me…know me.
I never feel that feeling when I’m with anyone else. It’s not some power trip because they have to listen to me, it’s a connection- like, they KNOW me. They love me.
I think I’m about to cry as I write this…but, I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Gainesville this weekend. Once I got on the road, I popped in my Bone Thugs N Harmony CD and I floated up the turnpike.
Driving like that gave me so much time to think and breathe and release my emotions surrounding my circumstances. The feel of the wind on my face was arousing. The thought of spending time with my sons gave me chills.
We did everything that I wanted for us to do. We were blessed beyond measure. We hung out on UF’s campus and took a tour of the city. We went to every apartment that I lived in while I was there and I told them stories of things we used to do when we were together. I showed them the hospital where they were born and took them to the park where we used to play. I even got to take them to breakfast at Shoney’s, we used to have breakfast there on Sundays.
They don’t remember much, and that saddens me. To think that after staying up nights with screaming infants, potty training and teaching them how to eat, walk and dress themselves, all of that is forgotten.
I met up with my friend Kenya in Gainesville and she introduced me to her Dad as my boys and I hung out on campus.
I was watching Kenya and her Dad interact, they are so much alike it’s crazy. I remember them not always having the best relationship and she said it all changed when she let go of wanting him to treat her in a certain way. She just looked at him..and accepted him for who he is and now they are pals.
Pals.
I watched with a certain degree of envy as she talked to him on the phone, “Hey Daddy! Come get me.”
Daddy…
Daddy…
That amazes me. I don’t have anyone to call Daddy. That word is so special to me.
After the boys were asleep Kenya and I hung out by the pool of the motel I was staying in. We talked forever about everything but there was one statement that really stood out.
She mentioned that she had told her Dad about my recent child support hearing. He looked at her and said, “She can do it.”
Wow. Everytime I have to tell that story I get the same response. “That’s messed up.” “He’s crazy.” “He’s going to get his.” “There’s no way you can do that.”
His one statement weighed more than all of those other opinions.
I can do it.
I can do this.
Somehow, God saw it fit to allow me to face this situation and there obviously has to be some kind of way that I can handle it. I have not figured out what that is yet..but I believe that everything that I need is always on my pathway. It always is. It may not be an option that I would have chosen for myself, but that’s how life is sometimes.
I have to be willing to do something that I have never done before.
I don’t know what that is yet but…
I will figure it out.
I can do it.