Man….
I’m back here again. it doesn’t feel good. While I was with my boys I felt like I…like I meant something to somebody. I felt connected, cherished, important, valued, needed, loved.
I don’t feel like that here. I’m in full recovery mode, only coming out of my room to eat, phone is off so today I won’t be anyone’s entertainment.
It’s funny how I want to help people to heal in the same areas that I’m having issues in- relationships- but I don’t really connect with people myself.
I had a long nightmare last night. in the nightmare I was being chased by men, they were trying to rape me because they hated me. i managed to hide pretty well until I was surrounded by them. Then I rememebered that I was dreaming so I raised my hands to the sky like Superman and I said, “I’m gonna fly…”
But I didn’t.
I didn’t move at all. It didn’t work.
So I woke up.
I don’t know how to turn the entertainer/motivator in me off..and honestly, I want to be valued for more than that someday. When I’m with my sons, I feel like I can really be me.
Any other time, I feel like I’m acting, trying to please an audience.
I want to relax sometime…but there’s no time for that, I guess.