My bestfriend Anna got a new man now.

I havent really seen or spoken to her in a minute.

I’m about to go egg her car if she doesn’t call me. I’m sad. I miss her.

Ruby’s doing Ok. We email throughout the day its usually my bright spot.

And Joe. Remember my “friend” Joe? Well, my little ‘no spending time alone policy’ didn’t last long. I like spending time with him. With him I don’t have to worry about changing myself. I don’t have to impress. I can act as crazy as I want to and he knows how to reel me back in when I’m going over the deep end. And he does it without making me feel bad. He’s just like one of my girlfriends, except he isn’t.

Last week we hung out one night. I picked him up and we had absolutely no idea what we were gonna do. I always make him drive, even when we’re in my car because I like to be chauffered. We ended up driving around our old neighborhood hoping to see one of our old classmates who serves off 12th avenue. We didn’t see him.

Then we drove down by the now defunct Omni Mall. Back in the day that mall was THE SPOT for all Black ppl. It’s shut down now, I couldn’t believe it. In that area, all kinds of condo’s are being constructed. Miami is changing so much and turning into a classy place to be. The powers that be have shut down most of the major projects in the hood and all of the Blacks are moving down to South Miami because that’s where they are placing all teh low-income housing. Now these projects in the inner city are going to be torn down and nice affordable housing will be built. But since the Blacks had to move away when their housing was taken away, none of them will get to enjoy it.

The elite will come in, buy up the land and turn the inner city back into what it once was back in the day before the White Flight.

The White Flight happened in the 60’s when Whites occupied the inner city, which is now called liberty City. When Whites saw Blacks moving in they hauled tail as far north as they could even moving outside of the city of Miami to get away. Then Blacks took over and it turned into a raggedy place to be.

But the inner city is a valuable spot simply because of its proximity to downtown and the Bay Area and The Miami Herald and most of Corporate America. It’s very close and the elite are planning to re-inhabit what was once their living space.

Joe and I talked well into the night about the plight of Blacks in Miami. While we walked the bridge overlooking the Bay we outlined differences in our attitudes that caused us to escape the despair that most Miamians have lived with.

We looked out into the skyline and heard the music from the party boats at Bayside and we marveled at what a magic city this truly is. But how many people who live here actually take the time to appreciate what they have? Everyone is running the rat race in pursuit of their warped goals.

My other bestfriend, Tamara (who I need to start calling more since Anna behind is too busy for me) is reading a book called The Purpose Driven Life or something like that. I think Joe is reading that too, or is he reading 40 days of Purpose? I don’t know. It has truly changed her views on life in general and she is no longer afraid to admit that she desires to be married and have a family.

For some reason women think that they will be looked down upon just because they want to be loved. And a lot of men will do just that when a woman proclaims her desire to have a man.

Shoot, everyone wants to be loved. Joe loves to say that after all the weights of the world are thrown off, all we really want is love, time and attention. It makes sense to me, except I want some money too.

I can’t see myself just living off of love. Maybe I have conformed. But what woman will just let a man live off of her just becuase he can make some good pancakes and rubs her feet after work?

Man… I used to want my man to stay home with the kids while I bring home the money. I think I still do. But he’ll be home because we both WANT him to be home, not because he has no employable skills.

But whatever with men anyway. They are a crazy bunch of confused creatures. They say they want one thing but their actions say another. And when you point it out they just shrug and say, “I don’t know why I do that.”

I know. Becuase you’re selfish and you know we’ll put up with it just because of this inherant desire to be loved one day. But I’ll be darned if I wait around waiting for some man to make up his mind about loving me. Do I look like a simp?

Dating. Man. I don’t want to go that route again. But since I realized that I was wrong about the man I thought God had shown me would be my husband I don’t know what to think.

If I was so sure that God had spoken to me and I trusted that with everything in me and I turned out be wrong, then how will I know if I am right or wrong the next time I feel like I heard a word from God? It seems like I’m back at square one with everyone else, having to risk being hurt again if I want to be loved.

Speaking of God I havent been to a church in a month. I don’t feel like I am any less saved but I know that being spiritually fed by a man of God is very important in the daily maintenance of my walk with God. I communicate with him everyday but I think I am afraid that my joining a church will cause the same anxiety that i had at my old church in Gainesville. Remember I was too caught up with what my Pastor thought of my actions and I had lost focus of God being the number one in my life.

Man…A friend of mine emailed me today reminding me not to lose my passion for Christ. I feel him. I know he loves me becuase he speaks the truth in my life even when it’s not sweet.

I’m not losing focus of what I believe to be God’s plan for my life. I revisited one of the testimonies that I wrote a while back and it reminded me that God is with me.

He is with me and he is holding me by my right hand and he is guiding me.

Believe that.