Maximum Volume

I realized yesterday that I’m friends with one of them.

Yes, my friend Tamara is a debator. I’ve written about them before. They have different views about issues and they strive to convince you to see their point or change your opinion. While I don’t think Tamara has malicious intent, it is kinda blah to have to defend every feeling you have.

I don’t really like to debate with anyone because strong opinions are based on personal experience and no matter how significant HER personal experience is, it’s not personal to me. At the end of the conversation I still walk away with my own experience and my own attitude about it. You can’t convince someone of the beauty of the love God, they have to experience it for themselves. You can’t debate someone about their emotions or attitudes, their past has shaped how they view the world and even if you think their view may be irrational, all you can do is hope for different experiences to change their opinion.

The conversation started when I told her that Sylvia has a boyfriend now. I know! I’m soo happy for her! ALL of my friends, including Sylvia have been driving me CRAZY with the desire to be married and have a family. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing to hope for, but honestly it began to annoy me after a while because I have other hopes for myself.

But my girl Sylvia, she’s so cute, she would whine, “All I want is ONE GUY to be sweet to and to have his babies and have a family. I’m loyal. I’m smart. Why can’t these guys just not cheat and be decent to me?”

It would hurt my heart to hear her say this because she’s right, but it would also re-inforce my dislike for men. A couple of months ago Sylvia met a guy. According to her, he’s amazing. She says he’s handsome, tall (6’3″) and he is so nice to her. A discussion of future goals and attitudes shows that they want the same things. He has already ASKED HER to be his girlfriend and plans for a future together. To add even more magic to the equation, her bestfriend recommended him and everyone she knows says that he is a good man. The best thing about him is, he has a stable father in his life who is dedicated to his family.

But her sudden leap of faith made me raise my eyebrow. Uh, two months ago you swore off men forever and now you’re falling in love? I’m not trying to draw her into my man-hating club, but I don’t understand why she even gave this dude a chance when she’s had so many bad experiences with men.

I tried to explain this to Tamara but she wasn’t hearing me. I’m not worried about Sylvia getting hurt at all, she knows when to walk away from a bad situation. I just don’t get how her attitude could change about men so quickly. What did this man do that made her see him differently? He is a MAN! I would never have given him a moment of my time. But she did, and surprisingly it paid off. It all seems so unreal to me.

I mean, wow. Think about it. The VERY thing you desire actually comes to pass. It seems like we hope for things but we don’t believe they will ever happen.

While most women my age are hoping for families, I already have one so my focus is now on using these gifts that God gave me, for his glory. The beautiful thing is, I know it will come to pass. I don’t have to hope for it. My desires line up with God’s word and one day it will come to fruition.

What’s funny is, I received this email the other day from a reader and old friend of mine:

“Often I ask myself why I love you, and I’ve concluded that you have to be extrodinarally crazy and a bit off the rocker to be like you. But no one is, just you and thats why I got so much undying love for ya.”

Ok, this is a compliment.

I know it is because of the rest of the letter but it made me think long and hard about myself. I guess I am a bit different, maybe even crazy. I remember my friend Anna suggested I go get myself checked out because of the intensity of my emotions and my wavering attitudes.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s okay to be so DEEP about everything. Damn, it wears me out sometimes. I cry with the force of a thunderstorm. I laugh like a toddler watching their first cartoon. I experience joy over little things and each time it’s as if I’m having my first orgasm. I love so deeply and so thoroughly that even when you walk away my love never dies. For me, everything is experienced on maximum volume.

I used to try to tone it down. I used to try to hide it. But now all I can do is celebrate the woman that is me. Because even is she thinks I’m weird, or he can’t handle my moods, THEY can and they love me because of everything that is me.

I don’t write to entertain or influence anyone. I don’t write to gain friends or foes. I write because my heart tells me to. I write because I love my growth process. I write because these stories in my head won’t go away until I put them out there. They scream to be told, competing with each other until I release them under my smooth fingertips.

~sigh~

Man, I really love to write.