Let Me Stand UP
cuz I’m tired of getting beat down

I’m the kinda chick that will let anyone know where I stand on any issue. I’m stubborn, outspoken and adamant about my space and MY TIME!

My friends have all had to get used to my crazy, sometimes selfish ways and thank God for that cuz I can be a bit(ch) much.

But the ONE person I have never stood my ground with, is my baby daddy. When it comes to him I am mush. I am a baby. I am super sweet. I bow down to him on everything and he treats me even worse because of it.

When I call him, he answers, “What do you WANT?” all gruff like I’m some stalker.
He’s written me e-mails telling me, “Your womb should have been barren from the day you were born.” and “I don’t have time for gold-diggers like you. My sons and I don’t need you. You were only good as a carrier.” He even went so far as to tell our sons, in front of me, “Boys, please don’t bring a woman like that home.”

I usually don’t really care what people think or say about me, but for some reason ~sigh~ when it comes to HIM, that shit really gets to me.

It’s not like I’m still in love with him. I don’t know what it is.

I try my best to make sure he’s included in my sons lives. Well, I used to do it more than I do now. I’d send him little packages with pictures the boys drew. I’d call him to update on playground fights, cuts and the new things they’d learn. Dude, as mean as I can get, I’m rarely rude to him. And I’m starting to think that’s the problem.

I ALWAYS let him see his kids. Whenever he wants. WHENEVER. But when he takes them he’s so quick to bring them back early. So quick to call me a bad Mom becuase I left my job in Gainesville and had a hard time finding stability here. “You’re a HORRIBLE mother,” he hisses into my ear when I tell him I don’t agree with a decision he has made.

I hate to fight with him. Damn, I could see if I was some crazy stalker chick who begged him for money and cussed his ass out all the time. I’m not. Anyone who really knows me, knows I’m not.

I’m not after his money. Though child support could get better than the freakin $180 a MONTH he pays now. I don’t interrupt his bachelor life. I never ask him to keep the boys. He sees them when he WANTS to. But even though he lives four hours away, he tries to control my life- and bashes me for the decisions I’ve made.

When we first moved here, he wanted them in private school, so I found one but noticed that it had wayyy too many days off. Even a FULL WEEK off for Thanksgiving. I was like, Whoa, what am I going to do when I have to work and they have all this time off from school? He told me not to worry, he’d take care of it. He’d make sure they had a place to go or if not, he’d take them with him so I could work. Cool?

Not.

Two weeks ago I reminded him that Spring Break was coming. He said he’d look into taking them up there with him. I reminded him of his promise. He said, he’d see. I reminded him that I just started this job and can’t request a full week off when we’re at deadline like this.

He called me back telling me, “Let’s make a deal. If you x-y-z then I’ll take the boys for the week.” NO! No deal! You take them anyway. Don’t try to punish me because I don’t agree with you!

He hangs up on me.

I don’t hear from him again. And no, he didn’t come pick up the boys although he knows I can’t miss work for the whole week to stay home with them.

I buck up, find a daycare and pay them $180 to keep them for the week. Yep, exactly the amount I get in child support. His entire monthly contribution, gone- in one week.

But he’s a LAWYER! you say… And? Shouldn’t he contribute more? Yes, I agree. He doesn’t agree though. So he refuses to go get them child support papers signed and according to the Sheriff’s office, he has been avoiding service.

To all of the men out there who say that he shouldn’t pay child support to help support our household- well… don’t make me curse. I don’t want his contribution to be profiling lovely in a brand new Lexus. I want his help so that we don’t have to live in the ghetto. Real estate on Miami is CRAZY! I’m looking now and I’m gonna be paying a GRAND easily to get an apt comparable to the one I had before I moved down here. Surely if he can buy a house then he can spare maybe $300 a month to help us with our bills.

But what can I do? I’m just hoping for the heavenly hook-up.

Tonight I was through with him. Tired of his inconsistencies. Tired of him threatening to take my sons from me because I can’t provide the lifestyle that he can provide. Tired of him saying he’ll get them and then not doing it- or doing it half-way.

He called…I shuddered. Afraid of what I had to say.

“Hey,” he said nonchalantly. Like F- the fact that you maybe had to struggle to find a babysitter or are missing out on your job to stay home with the boys this week. “I want to see them this weekend, where are you keeping them so I can pick them up.”

“Don’t worry about picking them up.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, I’m tired of you not living up to your word. I’m tired of you dodging and I’m tired of your broken promises. Until we go to court and can establish some guidelines for visitation and take care of this child support deal, don’t worry about picking them up anymore!”
“So you’re saying I can’t see my sons unless we go to court?”
“Exactly.”
“Let me speak to my sons.”
He does. And our little one hangs up after saying, “Bye Daddy.”

I lean back in my chair and release a breath. My eyes water. I don’t want to fight with him. I really don’t. I don’t want to be labeled that crazy baby mama. But he’ll probably always call me that anyway. I don’t want to keep him away from his sons. They need a man in their life. I recognize that.

But damn, I’m NOT a doormat. I take good care of our children. I may not make the money he makes and no I don’t have a house, but damn, I sacrifice. My career, my life. My body. All for them. And all he gives me is bullshit and criticism in return.

So until we are both face to face with a judge, I won’t see him again.

I feel relived because finally we’re going to get some stability in our lives since I know that everything and EVERYDAY falls on me.

No more hoping only to be let down.