Once again, I didn’t sleep at all last night. This was strange to me because I wasn’t worried or anxious about anything at all.
Around 2am I got a text from a guy I used to talk to and I called him back to give him a pep talk about his life’s direction and managing his emotions during this difficult time.
“Are you using your techniques on me?” he asked with a laugh, referring to the information I’m learning in school.
“Yes, I am. Are they working?”
He laughed. “They are. I feel like you just recharged my battery!”
“I told you, I can’t turn it off. The more I learn, the more being a therapist becomes a part of who I am.”
That’s not always a good thing though. About a month ago I met a man who was so attractive. We were fooling around in his room when he whispered, “You know I’m a secks addict, right?”
“Are you really?” I asked. “Is it interfering with your life’s productivity? Do you find that you are unable to handle everyday tasks due to your increased interest in secks?”
“Huh?”
“I just read this chapter on sexual addiction and it said….”
“Wait,” he interrupted me. “We can talk about the chapter later.”
I almost died laughing. Like I said, I can’t turn it off.
After falling asleep sometime around 6am, I woke up at 9 frustrated and groggy. I had a phone interview at 11am which I had to postpone because the man wasn’t feeling well and I prepared myself to go see my therapist.
When I got there he greeted me with a smile, as usual and he asked me how I was doing.
“I’m fine, I just couldn’t sleep at all last night and the night before and I don’t know why because I’m not worried about anything.”
“Well, let’s watch your sleeping pattern over the next week and we’ll see what may be the cause of that,” he said.
We talked about a number of things and somehow the conversation turned to my relationship with Steve.
“Have you and Steve had a fight yet?” he asked.
“No. We don’t fight. But we did have some conflict because he won’t have secks with me.”
“Why did you choose that as your first conflict?”
“Beause I wanted us to have to deal with an issue that is foreign to me.”
“What did you learn from this?”
“Well, I learned that men can have secks issues too. And that when a woman does something that hurts a man, the pain can last a long time. I never considered that before.”
We talked some more about my patterns with men. He discovered that I push men into having secks with me, taunting them if they don’t.
“Why do you play that game?” he asked.
The question stunned me. Me? Games? Wow. I guess that is a game.
“I guess I want to see if he’s really into me or not. If he succumbs to my pressure then he’s not worth my time. I guess I’m testing his resolve.”
“Would you consider that the man may be doing the same with you? Maybe he’s thinking, ‘If she does it, then she doesn’t care about a relationship’.”
“I never thought about that.”
“How do I love myself more?” I asked him later in the session.
“Well, you can accomplish that by giving yourself pats on the back for the things that you do well. You have some very big goals, but with any goal, things happen step by step. Rome wasn’t built or destroyed in a day so if you’re confident enough to believe in your dream then the process to getting there should be enjoyed.”
When the conversation changed to my children, I admitted that I am often overwhelmed by negative thoughts and I want to change them. As my voice wavered, I could feel the tears about to flow. As he pulled out a piece of paper I realized something profound.
Therapists can’t actually help you with any of your problems. All we (they) can do is help you to manage your emotions and encourage you to take steps to handle things more efficiently on your own.
“What we’re about to do is work on helping you balance your thoughts,” he said.
My facial expression must have given him a clue about how delighted I was at the concept because he said, “You haven’t gotten to balancing thoughts in your studies yet, have you?”
I shook my head.
“Ok, let’s begin. Give me a situation or thought that causes you to feel negative emotion.”
“Um…The fact that I can’t provide a home for my sons.”
“Ok, we’ll go with that. When you think about this, what emotion do you feel?”
“Hurt. Pitiful. Like a failure.”
“How would you rate your mood right now on a scale of 10% to 100% with 100 being completely hurt and pitiful?”
“Um…around 40%”
“What are the automatic thoughts or images that you think of when you have those feelings?”
“Um…Maybe that I’m not a good enough Mom or a good person.”
“Is there any evidence in your life that supports that belief?”
“Umm..I don’t know where you’re going with this but this is too negative and I don’t want to go there,” I explained as I covered my face with my hands.
“Give it a chance. We’re not done,” he said and continued writing. “Any evidence?”
“Well, I haven’t kept a job and I can’t have my sons with me right now,” I told him sadly.
“Now this next question may be a bit tough at first, but I think you can handle it. Is there any evidence that does NOT support your claim that you are not a good Mom?”
I shook my head, feeling so low.
“Come on…Think back to the paragraph that I asked you to write. You listed a lot of things that are great about you.”
“Well, people come to me all the time for advice and encouragement. People have actually said to me that they learn from me about parenting and some have even told me that knowing me has helped improve their lives.”
“Now we can work on a balanced thought,” he said. “You can use all of the statements you made before. I feel hurt and pitiful right now AND although I can not take care of my sons right now, people come to me for help and see me as important in their lives.”
Hmmm…
“So Instead of focusing on the negative part solely, I can balance my thoughts by including the positive aspects too?”
“Yes. If you practice this, when you have a negative thought it will be balanced by the positive evidence and won’t produce so much angst. Now tell me what percentage do you feel hurt and pitiful with this new balanced thought.”
“About 20%.”
“That’s great! With the new thought, you cut the negative emotion in half.”
I am so glad that I stuck in there and didn’t quit after the first therapist wasn’t a good fit for me. This new guy is excellent and I’m learning so much from him.
You know what? I am so proud of myself right now. I’m in this period where I recognize my issues and I’m not sweeping them under the rug. I’m facing them head on and Just like any other goal, I’m adamant about seeing them resolved.
For the first time in my life, I’m not playing the victim. I’m taking responsibility for my life and working to make it better.
I absolutely love where I am and you know, I appreciate the time and circumstances that allowed me to get here…