I ran into an old guyfriend on facebook and we met up and smoked one. I can tell that he wants love so badly. He’s supercute and really nice but…I think he’s an undercover “nice guy” and the women he deals with are too much for him. That’s just my analysis. I hope I don’t have to date him to show him that he will be loved although it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. He’s cute.
But tonite I also did a dumb thing. I knocked on my roommates door at 2 in the morning to fuss about the washing machine because I felt paranoid that they were trying to be disrespectful to me. They calmly explained that the machine was broken and everyone’s clothes were being ruined.
I thought that there was a personal vendetta against ME! I quickly apologized so now I’m feeling so guilty. So guilty.
Do you see how that outlook on the world creates a string of negative interactions?
In trying to stand up for myself, I caused a fuss that was unnecessary. Now the real reason that I don’t know the machine is broken is because I never TALK to my roommates. I am not a part of their lives at all. I don’t know when they’re sick or when they’re happy. I never know anything because I do not talk to them. I do not talk to them because I do not want to share my life like that or have to answer questions about shit.
I am so closed off from everyone in the world. Yeah im on facebook but those fake attempt at being witty status messages are only a well painted glimpse into my life. I’m so wound up in life right now. It’s not just that my period is on. It’s school. It’s my sons being so happy and well adjusted. It’s me feeling like I have nothing to show for my life. It’s my lack of affection and attention from a man. It’s feeling so tired of trying to safeguard myself from being hurt because I have no ride or die partner or no protector so I gotta be by myself.
~sigh~
I need to get some rest and go forgive myself.
I’m tired.