Sometimes I feel so…so alone.
Like an alien. For real. I know I have my sons who I see once a week and I have my friends who I keep in touch with online…and I have DEEP that I interact with everyday but for some reason I still feel alone.
And it used to be that comfortable alone feeling…but now it’s that alone feeling that has the yearning for something more.
What do I want? I don’t know. I meet men all the time. Sometimes I hang out with them just to see if something cool will happen…but most times not.
I feel like they are all out to hurt me.
“Don’t you just like me more when I’m not talking to any dudes?” I asked Tamara. “I mean, no drama, no confusion, I’m wrapped up more in YOUR story.”
“Yeah, I feel you Tee but it’s still…kinda sad in a way not to have ANYTHING going on.”
“Well,” I said. “I’d honestly rather not have anything going on than to be filled with fear and nervousness. I hate this feeling I have. It feels like something is missing. I know there’s nothing missing with the way I show love. I think it’s all in who I choose to show it too.”
I then went on to describe a conversation I had with DEEP recently. He told me that sometimes I am a bad judge of character. I took it all kind of ways. True, I see the best in everyone and believe they are honest and good people…but mostly they’re slimy. I never think that…unless its a man who is interested in me romantically or physically.
God…help me out on this one. What’s this I’m feeling? Why does it hurt so much? Why am I so afraid? Are you trying to tell me to walk away when I feel like this or are is it me scaring myself out of a more brilliant future?
Tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been praying this prayer for years. Man…maybe I am slipping back into that old mentality where my life was completely out of my control.
It was easier back then…
I need a hug. A real one. I need to know it’s okay. I’m okay. I need an embrace. I need a hug.