In the Middle Of a Panic Attack

I just worked through another panic attack.

This time it took me a little over an hour. I can tell I’m over it because I am now breathing more clearly and I can imagine good things for my life.

While I am inside of my panic attack, I can barely breathe. My chest is tight. I have these thoughts that I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve or can not have anything good in my life. Usually to calm myself I write an irrational letter. I have only sent out one of these letters ONCE and I don’t regret it but its not me in my best form.

While I’m in my panic attack, I am a ball of negative emotion. I feel like I am going to implode and I struggle to find reasons why life is a good thing. I think of everything I can’t control and the people who have hurt me and I try to go back in my past and figure out why I deserved that treatment or if there was something I could have done differently so they would not have had the chance to hurt me.

Its funny because while I am in my panic attack, you would not know. There is no physical characteristics you can see, although I’m usually alone when they happen. It just feels like someone stabbing me in my chest and beating me over the head over and over again and I curl up on a ball and fight my way through it. I fight by reading inspirational articles, sometimes even watching some of my own youtube videos or even listening to some of my favorite inspirational teachers on youtube. All the while I am searching for that trigger, that one word or affirmation or melody which will release the tension in my brain and in my heart so I can breathe and i can think clearly again.

After the attack is done I hug myself and wish that someone else would be here to hug me too. Once I had a panic attack while I was with this man. I think being in his presence caused it because I was afraid of him. When he saw what was going on, he reached over and grabbed me, holding me close to him and I calmed down.

I feel like an alien in this world and I’m paranoid and I’m scared and I’m lonely and every man I’ve met has tried to hurt me and laugh at me or leave me to figure out what to do on my own. I picture them all laughing, laughing, proud of the pain they created simply because they wanted me to hurt like them too. The hard part is, men are everywhere and they LOVE looking at me and coming up to me and pretending like they mean well to me when really in the end, you see how they feel.

They want you to hurt like they are hurting and it is their deliberate intention to ensure you do.

But I only feel this way when I’m in a panic attack. After its done I feel guilty for being so weak because i go through this. And then I wonder what bad thing will happen to me since I spent nearly an hour going through this negative emotion so intensely.

My anxiety doesnt get the best of me on most days, I think it happens more when I feel a change is about to come and I’m afraid to let go of what i have because I’m not sure i deserve something better. But I always get better so I don’t know what the hell my problem is!