In The Meantime

Do I live in some paralell universe?

I feel like I step out and take a giant leap into oblivion, only to land shakily, stunned, in the same spot I just leapt from.

How do I move forward?

Am I supposed to?

I woke up early one morning, got dressed and hopped into my car by 6am. I needed my baby Kanye so I slipped his CD into the player. It didn’t play.

It didn’t play.

It didn’t play.

Confused, I removed the CD and looked at it. My mouth dropped.

It was…BROKEN.

Someone must have broken into my car and broke it. Someone’s out to get me. They know that my Kanye CD is the only stable thing I have. It’s the only thing I can count on to be there with me anywhere I go.

I knew it was an omen. When I first received the CD I pledged to listen to it everyday until I make it big as a writer. And I used to listen to it 5 times a day when I was at the private school.

Something crazy is about to happen.

In the midst of trying to hold it together my body just quit on me and I’ve been in bed for the past two days. I’m letting down my current job and it seems as though that job may be the cause of my weakness.

I got another job offer this week. The job offer is one that would make anyone squeal. A nice cushy desk job. Benefits. It’s in a nice area. Ridiculous perks. But…it has nothing to do with my career and it comes with a 6 month contract.

I’ve started the process of applying for it and since I seem to be the only applicant, I’m trying to take it as a blessing from God but…I feel sad when I think about it because it’s going to take up so much of my energy that I think I’ll lose focus on my real goals. And it’s a 6 month contract. Once I’m in, I’m in. It’s the grown up thing to do. Wear a company shirt. Report to work. Sit in a office. Tap dance. I’m just afraid.

Tee, why are you doing this? This could be your blessing?

It’s just…office jobs make me sick to my stomache. I fear them because I have realized that no matter how well you do at your job, it’s the politics that reign. And I’m not good at office games. I always lose in the end.

JB once told me, “You’re obsessive.” It kind of hurt because that word isn’t associated with positivity. But then I realized that he is right. I am obsessive. About everything. I rarely let anything slide. What I mean is, if I do ANYTHING it has to be just right. If it’s not I will sit and talk and talk and talk and worry and beat myself up over it until someone tells me to shut up. I HATE to hurt anyone’s feelings or ignore people or allow my actions to make someone else feel bad about who they are.

When I was in 10th grade I was on the bus on the way to school a man got on and he had a ridiculous amount of warts on his face. He walked slowly row by row looking for a seat. When I saw him, I immediately told my friend Cameron to come and sit next to me. The look of dissappointment on his face still haunts me to this day and everytime I think about how I must have made him feel, I cry and repent. I ask God for forgiveness and I pray that God won’t repay me for my evil deed by making me get into an accident or something.

I try not to treat anyone badly because of the way they look or what they do for a living. It’s a concious effort to give unconditional love to others, and it’s sometimes a pain because I don’t get it in return.

I’m obsessive about success. It’s all I dream about and talk about. I’m obsessive about giving more than 100% in any relationship that I am involved in. I have a “I won’t give up” attitude even when my back is breaking from fighting their resistance and the other party is boldly screaming, “Leave me alone. I don’t want your love!” I guess it’s hard for me to take no for an answer especially when I know my love is the shit.

I think my body hurts so much because my soul is hurting. The intense loneliness I feel on a daily basis is physically debilitating. I must cry at least twice a day and now…with JB being too busy with his work (or someone else) to be my faithful friend, I find myself bursting into tears at least 3 times a day.

The biggest problem is, I don’t know what to do next. I don’t have any guidance. All of the business leaders that I have met are only out to help their vision come to fruition. They couldn’t care less about mine. That’s why one day I hope to have the chance to be the listening ear and to help another young bright person like myself accomplish their dream. No one seems to care about mine. At least no one in a position to offer me a hand up. So that’s why I vow to help someone, everyone, to figure out what they want out of life and equip them with the guidance to achieve it.

We must always give what we wish we were given. For me, it’s an encouraging word, guidance and unconditional love.

Kia’s cool. But I’ll admit I am a bit jealous of her because she has lots of friends and guy friends. She left late last night with a mischievous grin, after grabbing an overnight bag, leaving me all alone with her dog.

At least one of us is getting some. ~sigh~

My body aches all over. I’m scared to go to the doctor. My body isn’t behaving properly, irregular periods, mood swings; I feel fat too. I took a pregnancy test just to be on the safe side. No baby. I haven’t even had secks in almost two months.

All I can do is keep trying. In the meantime. I’m writing my heart out. Allowing this keyboard to be my bestfriend. I never get a response from the madness I feed it but at least it listens and will never leave me when it gets tired of my drama.

I want Mimi.

Man…I’m tired of running around in fucking circles.