Impending Splendor

Today is my son’s 5th birthday.

I called him early this morning and he said, “Guess what Mama? It’s my birthday.” I laughed, thinking back to the conversation I had with Anna. She said, “Why do these kids think this is only a monumental day for THEM?”

We laughed and laughed. “Yeah,” I agreed. “Like our lives didn’t change forever that day too!”

“I was cute and skinny before that day!” she joked.

“I was free and easy before that day!” I added.

My baby told me that his grandma bought him two slip n slides for his birthday. I sent him a book. My Mama will probably get him a video game or something when he gets back to Miami.

I miss my boys.

I remember five years ago I was on that delivery table. All of my friends were there, Mimi, Jenny, Sharon and their Daddy was there too. If you don’t have kids you don’t understand what it means to just do or die.

When it’s time to push, it’s time to push and there’s no way out. You can cry and whine and try to get up and go home but unless you buckle down and face that pain, you won’t ever feel relief. Kinda feels like where I am right now. The painful part is knowing that my kids want to be back with me and I am unable to take care of them due to my own actions. The relief will come when I can pick them up from the airport and take them with me to our new home, complete with a nanny and house servants and a fine, smart man with glasses.

For a minute there I doubted my ability to be a full time Mom again. But I want to. I need to. I need to give them the gift of me and I need to reap the benefits of all of those years of hardship. I didn’t struggle with them not to see the reward. My boys will be back with me and I will be able to take care of them for the rest of their childhood. It’s just taking a minute…that’s all. Ain’t nobody helping me but God. The little blessings here and there keep me from starvation while I stand behind the principles that I believe in. And I stand behind God’s word that if He gave me the vision for it, He has equipped me for it and it will come to pass, regardless of who believes in my dream.

Why can’t I be a regular person who just sits and reads blogs all day while collecting their paycheck? Why do I require more?

I write as though no one will read this. I release my thoughts for me, though they seep out into the world and affect mindsets and cause emotional outbursts.

I ain’t trying to incite a riot or be a role model, I was just looking for a little spot to be me. That’s why I created this blog. I just wanted to write and be me and then people started peeking in and it made me a little uncomfortable at first but then I figured…they don’t know me. And even if they did…I don’t owe anyone any explanations for the path I choose for my life. My life is MY LIFE. I pay the consequences. I reap the benefits of the seeds I sow. I feel the pain, no one else.

I still fantasize about living lavishly after profiting from giving my gift, though for some reason, those dreams are less frequent.

On the forefront of my mind is staying at peace with myself throughout all of the criticism and advice giving. I promise, I have NEVER been given so much pressure/advice before in my life, when I never even asked for it. This shows concern but it also annoys me because…Dude…I only value advice from someone who is living the type of life that I hope to live.

Sometimes I want to look at people and say, “Who told you I valued your advice?” But I don’t. I politely listen as they sternly tell me what they think I should be doing and where I am going wrong. I listen, then I forget it as soon as they leave because I do not make decisions the same way others do, my mind is on another plane. Even my close friends and I think amazingly differently and I never ask my friends for advice. Not even Kim. I may ask them what they think AFTER the fact..but I usually don’t even do that. Cuz it doesn’t matter. It’s MY LIFE.

I trust myself to make the best decisions for my life and I appreciate the people who try to equip me with the toold necessary to succeed in lieu of random emotionally charged advice born out of frustration or despair.

I have no one to hold my hand so I have to be a big girl.

No success stories came before me in my family so I have to figure it out myself.

I have no one’s back to climb on after year’s of their hard work.

I have no one who has taken a vested interest in me enough to guide me along the way.

Yeah..I be fucking up, but how can I not when I’m going through completely unfamiliar territory? That’s why my heart is focused on securing the success and information necessary to be able to pull others up in the way that I wish I had been.

I haven’t found the answers yet but as I am learning to move past my failures, I promise to share the life lessons with everyone I know. I promise to care enough to teach you.

What was it that Ana left in the comments section? A quote from someone that read: I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that do not work.

Man…I promise you this story has a happy ending. I can’t skip over the middle part though, it will help me to appreciate the impending splendor so much more.