Fear.. That’s it. It was fear that pushed me to say, “Let’s forget about Steve before I pop a membrane.” I think the whole thing of starting something new with someone is trusting that they are being honest and wondering if they like you as much as you like them.
That’s crazy scary!
In trying to handle my emotions better than I have in the past I decided to try a new technique. First, I admit that I am scared. I accept it. Then I think back on how much fun I had with Steve and enjoy the memories. Then I did the one thing that caused me perfect peace….
I released all expectations for what I wanted from him.
After doing this, it didn’t matter if he called or not or if he liked me or not. What mattered most was how he treated me when we were together. I focused on that instead of what I thought he was lacking.
Even if he never calls again, I had a great time with him.
Even if this doesn’t move past friendship, I am still glad to know him.
After I released my expectations..I felt so good! I immediately IM’ed Tamara to tell her and she said she was happy for me.
Not even a half hour later my phone rings. It’s Steve.
“What’s up?” I say.
“What’s up? I want to see you.”
“Well, I can’t drive up there today,” I tell him.
“Who said you have to drive up? I’m on my way down to Miami.”
“For real? Well, when will you be done doing what you’re coming to do?”
“I’m already done doing what I’m coming to do.”
“Ok. What time will you be here?”
“7.”
“Well, what time do you want to meet up with me?”
“7.”
“Ok, call me when you get close then and I’ll come get you.”
Whew! I looked around at my disaster of a room and I sighed thinking- damn I have to clean up. It took me all day but I’m glad I did it. By the time the sun went down I got a text from him saying he was in West Palm and gave me the directions to meet up with him in North Miami.
I was happy and smiling as I parked my car in front of the restaurant that he suggested. When he walked up to me I gave him a friendly hug and we sat down and talked and talked. He has an interesting take on so many subjects that are near to my heart. He’s writing a book too but he wouldn’t tell me what it’s about because he said I would steal his idea.
I had plans to go to a poetry night that my friend J organized so Steve came with me. We listened to a few poems while he critiqued the organization of the show and venue. He and J know each other from undergrad and they’re both from Miami so it was a college reunion of sorts.
After the poetry we headed over to Iguanas for a few drinks but I had to remind Steve that in his hoody, sneakers and t-shirt he probably wouldn’t be able to get in.
When we got there, sure enough, the bouncer stopped him and told him that he wouldn’t be able to get in with his outfit. I don’t fight to get into clubs so I was ready to leave but Steve spoke with the bouncer for a few minutes and then the bouncer walked us both in and took Steve’s hoody and jacket and put it away for him.
“What did you do?” I asked him.
“Everything is for sale,” he replied as he ordered a drink.
We sat at the bar checking out the women and talking for a couple of hours. One cute girl came and sat by us with her friend and Steve said, “Let me buy us all a shot.”
“Not tonite,” i said firmly. “We’ll do that another time.”
“Look at you,” he said and smiled at me pulling me closer to him.
As we drove home I asked him if he wanted to go out again…maybe to the strip club.
“Not really, unless you want to.”
“No, let’s go back to my place.”
And BACK TO MY PLACE we went…
I’m always comparing him to my imaginary boyfriend Steve and for the most part he meets all expectations, even the smart ass part. I’ll admit, Steve and I argued some of the time we were together but in hindsight I can tell that it was a part of the “I’m teaching you how I like to be treated” phases of the relationship. Each time we were able to get past it and…
And…we thoroughly enjoyed our time together when we got back to my place. I put on my Corrine Bailey Rae CD and we sat down and…
What do you call it when a man completely takes the lead and gives you an hour of foreplay that is so sweet and so tender that you forget he’s there because it feels like you’re in heaven? And afterwards he holds you so tightly and kisses you as you fall asleep together. You only wake up to kiss again and snuggle some more, your bodies sticking to each other but neither one wanting to move away…
Man…I’ve been dreaming about the day when that would happen. It finally happened. ~sigh~ I don’t know what to call that experience but it wasn’t ‘fucking’.
The next morning I drove him to meet the friend he had come down with and I gave him a cautious hug because I didn’t know what else to do. When I got home I just laid on my bed and relived all of the events from the previous evening.
Him telling me, “I think I want to take a chance with you.”
Me feeling so beautiful and special in his presence as he reminded me, “When you are with me, you can have whatever you want.”
I had told him about my bad habits with men, you know, fucking them and throwing them away immediately afterwards and I could tell he was wondering if I would do the same to him. So I called him up to check up on his trip.
“What’s up?” he answered. “How are you feeling?”
“Good. I just…I just wanted to tell you that I don’t want to stop speaking to you and I don’t want to run away from you and I’m feelin you.”
“I heard that,” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. “When can I see you again?”
“Um…tonight.” I replied. “I don’t have to be to work again until Saturday. I’ll come up and see you this time.”
“Is that what you want to do?”
“Yes.”
“Then that’s fine with me.”
“Wait. Before I come I have to tell you that I’ll use the money you gave me for my trip but when I get up there you’ll have to completely take care of everything and make sure I have money to get home on Saturday.”
“Is that what you want?” he asked me.
“Yes.”
“Then that’s what you’ll get.”
“Wait. I also need you to know that you don’t have to entertain me. All I need is a comfortable place to stay and internet access and plenty of food and I’m good.”
“Is that what you want?” he asked again.
“Yes.”
“Then that’s what you’ll get.”
“Ok, I’ll be on the road in an hour and I’ll see you later.”
“Ok. Call me after you leave…”
Ummm…I’m in Gainesville right now waiting for him to come back for me…
I’m nervous but…I’ll just have to take the risk. I’ll let you know how this all goes…