My life is a miracle.
You want to know what really, really relaxes me? The one thing that brings me to a place where all the tension is gone from my body and I’m licking my lips in anticipation of the enjoyment of this activity?
Reading biographies. (Particularly those related to Black History.)
I absolutely love to read stories about people’s lives, written in hindsight. For me it brings such peace to my heart because I can see the end result of the often chaotic and trying times that presented themselves along the way.
I know I may not be the most sane, successful or stable person in the world, but I do believe, I really do, that my story has a happy ending. By the time I die, I’ll be at a place of peace and prosperity. I have no doubts about that. It’s just watching it all unfold that is so unnerving.
I write about a lot of different things that happen in my life. These days I’m mostly focused on how grad school is affecting me, but there are so many other things going on too, and I’m not ashamed of them.
It’s funny but…there’s nothing that has happened or will happen that I can’t write about. I’m not trying to project a particular image of myself, or even write those self deprecating entries that are really self congralulatory to show how much I’ve grown. Everyday I’m being me. And even if that means whining or crying or being depressed or being horny, I’m just me…man.
I find that really being honest with yourself is the key to having peace within your soul. It’s rough at first when you stand in the mirror and say, “Damn, I fucked up.” or “I’m addicted.” or even “I am so proud of myself today.”
But if you can say it once, twice and then a third time, you open up a magic door to your soul and allow healing or blessings to come in.
I never knew what this whole feeling that I have been dealing with for years was, though most who know me could probably tell you that they knew all along.
I have anxiety.
It’s probably the kind that should be medicated, but before I even go that route I’d like to learn more about my brain and the medications and how they will affect my spirit.
I never believed in taking prescribed medications for nervousness. I rarely take aspirin. I held the image that those medications were invented solely to sedate the masses, creating zombies who all think alike, wearing black pants, white pressed dress shirts and red ties, and sit in cubicles sipping latte’s, filling out forms and laughing at corny jokes just to fit in.
I don’t mean to offend anyone if that’s your lifestyle, it’s just the antithesis of the existence that I want to experience. Oh, why did God make me an artist?
Why did He give me a desire to sit at a magic wheel and spin words into gold? Why am I so impressed by the art of creating beauty from imagination? Why does the creative process turn me on so much?
I don’t know.
All I know is..every part of me, the worrying, the ambition, the overachievement, the self reflection, the risk taking, the scatterbrained tendencies, the introversion..man, all of that makes me ME.
And I’m becoming more and more comfortable with that everyday.
Yes, I have doubts, yes I have fears. Yes, I have hopes and dreams that have been deferred. Yes, I am not where I would like to be but I’m much farther than where I’ve been.
I’m writing my own biography and you’re reading every word. Don’t focus too much on the obstacles and set backs in between the beginning and the promise, they only set the stage for appreciating the successes and teach valuable life lessons that help me grow along the way.
Now lemme go…tonight I’m reading about Emily Dickinson, Langston Hughes and Jack Koreau, I’m in the mood for some inspiration.