I Told Him No

It wasn’t easy for me to do. In fact, I couldn’t call him and tell him so I sent an email in hopes that it would do the trick. My former pastor, who I loved so much and trusted and held his opinion even higher than God’s due to the underlying training of my old church home, has been in contact with me for the past few months. He calls periodically to check up on me and see how the boys are doing.

He’s moving to Miami and starting his own “ministry” here and I’m pretty sure he thinks that I will be a part of it. He has even told me that I am a part of God’s vision for his life. That scared me. That made me feel like I’m obligated to be a part of his plans.

Because I used to hold his opinion as God’s word for my life, when he said that, emotionally it placed me back where I was when I was in that spiritually abusive church under his authority. I felt like I HAD to answer his phone calls and I HAD to listen to his plans and his mission. Honestly, I didn’t want to be back in contact with him after I left and went through so much turmoil feeling like I had walked completely away from God because I did not listen when he told me not to leave Gainesville and move to Miami.

Last year sometime he and his family left the church because they somehow realized that the church was spiritually abusive even though he was the college pastor. He called me up one night to chat and I had to confront him on the issues I was feeling in my heart. I told him that his actions were the root of a lot of pain in my life and I told him how I felt like he would use manipulation to make me do what he wanted me to do.

He admitted that he was a part of the abusive culture that the church had adopted and he apologized wholeheartedly. He said in the time away from the church he had learned so much about what he had been involved in and how he had hurt so many people. I took his apology and forgave him but I still wanted to let go of that part of my life and move on. His presence only reminded me of the anger and pain I went through when all I wanted to do was make God happy.

Still, I could not find the heart to tell him that I loved him and that I also needed him to leave me be.

My friend PChap joked that I was “marked” by him. I didn’t think that was funny. In a way I felt he used my admiration for him to tie my destiny to his destiny. When he would tell me that I am a part of God’s vision for his life it would cause me to think that apart from him, I would not be successful. He even told me once, “Juanita Bynum submitted to her pastor and look at where she is.” He wanted complete control and submission.

I gave it to him for the time I was at that church, casting away my old friends and trying my best to make my emotions line up with how he told me I should feel. It didn’t work.

Yes, he has now left the church and called me to apologize and I guess open the door for us to have a relationship again. But I don’t want that. And I finally told him.

“Please do not contact me again.” The last line of my email read.

I hope he listens.

When someone is the main source of abuse in your life and they come back to make things right, it is fair and Godly to hear them out and to forgive them. I have forgiven him. I just am not at peace about remaining in contact with him because I honestly don’t believe that in less than a year away from the church that he has completely changed his method of pastoring.

He knows I adore him and he knows that his words used to mean everything to me. In my search for a father figure the pointer landed on him and what he got was a young woman searching for acceptance, guidance and love and he took advantage of that by using my desire to please God to control me.

I send many blessing out to him and his family as they make their way to South Florida next month. One thing is for sure, I will not be a part of their ministry unless God leads me there. It won’t be out of fear of disappointing him.

I still love him. I really do. But I never want to be a fool again. My relationship with God is my own and I will not be coerced into living for the approval of another man on this earth.

I’m done with pleasing men.