I miss my dawg.
I know I’m on here venting my frustration with all the ways we were weak and couldn’t help each other but the truth is, in this life, she was my heart.
I miss her.
I miss the way I could call her and not say nothing, not having the words to explain how I was feeling and she would get it.
The first time I ever met a woman I was attracted to, I was freaked out by my emotions and I didn’t know what to do. I drove home and called her.
“Prince.”
“Mmm hhh?”
“Prince, this girl in came in the restaurant today.”
“Ok.”
“Prince.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Exactly.”
“Ohhh.”
See! Who else am I going to do that with? ~tears~
I wanna hear about the ladies at work and how it is being a manager instead of a co worker. I wanna hear about what she’s manifesting and what color nail polish she’s wearing with what dress. I heard she moved. How could she move without letting me help? She would describe each place in detail and we would go through the motions with me asking her, “What are the benefits of each? Let me look it up on google maps. Show me the floor plan.”
We used to text each other pictures when we would get dressed to go out to help each other get dressed. I would go over to her family’s house when she wasn’t even in town. I was so sick one day and had no one to take care of me and I went to her mom’s house and her mom and grandma made me food and her mom rubbed me down with medicine like I was her own child.
I never thought we wouldn’t speak. I never thought my existence would ever not include her. The only thing is, I know it’s the right thing to do but it hurts so much.
I have other friends that are awesome. I get to learn with Sylvia. I get to laugh at life with Anna. I get to dream big with Mimi but it’s the “nothing” times that I spent with Tamara that I miss most.
I’ve been walking this world by myself, it feels like I’ve had no traveling companion but even though she hasn’t physically been there, she was there with me and I was there with her.
There’s not a single project I’ve ever done that she hasn’t helped with. When I started my website, I called her up and she stayed on the phone with me until she fell asleep, listening to my plans and offering her input. Most of my books are based on her troubles. LOL
I miss my friend. My standards for friendship are very high and you can’t just be my friend, it ain’t easy to get in good with me because I’m not friendly and I don’t like petty women who don’t know how to chill and have fun with no boundaries and can’t SHINE when they walk in a room. She fit me.
And I’m hurting all over again although I know it’s right that we need to separate so we can grow, this shit is not fun cuz no matter how many times I used to SAY I was lonely, I wasn’t really because I had her and now I REALLY, don’t have anyone to share my “nothings” with.
And I miss that the most.
I know in this life, I’ll never have another relationship like that. She is and was my last best friend.
~tears~