I Know What They Want

So remember that I told you that I was going to see Damon Wayans at The Improv last Saturday night. The next day my friends called me asking, “Was he funny?”

Uh, yeah, he was funny. That ticket was almost $40 he had betta be funny! Well, he wasn’t Chris Rock funny, but he was funny. And you know, all this time I thought he was kinda funny looking. I mean from Major Payne, he was kinda weird looking to me. But Dude is FINE! He has a very nice body.

The only thing is, both my friend Dianna and I both agreed- Dude looked like he was high. At one point during the show he got this far away look on his face and paused for about 10 seconds. Then he snapped out of it and apologized for zoning out. I raised my eyebrow at that.

Let me tell you about this one joke he told that had the audience stunned. (I tried to remember as best I can)

“Men HAVE to lie to women,” He says and takes a sip of his bottled water.

“We see a woman walk in and we approach her saying: Excuse me Ms. But I saw you walk in that door and I said to myself, SELF, you can not allow yourself to breathe another breath until you know her name.”

The woman giggles. “But you’re still breathing.”

“That’s because I had to have enough air to get over here to merely bask in your presence.”

The woman giggles again. “My name is Mary.”

“Mary,” he gasps. “What a unique name! Mary, I know I’m not worthy to ask you this. And I know that it’s probably not possible because of the magnitude of your beauty and your essence, but can I , maybe, just be allowed to stand here, I know not right next to you but somewhat close to you, so that some of your radiance can radiate onto my being and improve my life in some way?”

“If only you ladies knew what we are really thinking,” he said and flipped the script.

“So I see these titties walk in the door. And I’m thinking, Damn, them some nice titties. Then I take a second look and I see this azz like DAMN and I just picture myself grabbing her thick ass and flipping her over and just STICKING IT, STICKING IT until that bitch screams!”

The room is quiet. Only a few ppl snicker.

Damon laughs. “I know that make ya’ll a little uncomfortable don’t it? I bet all the men in here with their ladies are thinking, “Ha, ha, ha, Funny, funny. Now move on to the next joke Damon.” But that’s really how we think.”

I had finished my drink called The Punchline so I was feeling this joke. Mostly because my friend Ernest had just told me the SAME thing the day before.

“When ya’ll girls go out and we try to holla at ya’ll. Ya’ll be thinking it’s because of ya’ll outfit or hair or face. Let me tell ya something. When you hear them saying Dammmmnnn…when you walk by you’re just hearing the first half of their sentence. They let it trail off. The whole thing would go something like, “Dammmmmnnn. I would F&^% the S)#$^ out of her!” No, It’s not your aura. They’re imagining you and them starring in a porn scene together.”

When he said that a light went off in my brain.

No wonder!

No wonder why I barely talk to any of the men I had been seeing. Nine out of 10 tried to put their hands on me. They look at me like I’m the last damn porkchop, licking their lips and ogling my body. I thought I wanted that but I don’t. Yeah, on the phone, they play the role like they’re so interested and they think I’m fascinating and delightful but when I’m standing in front of them, all they do is wring their hands and bite their lips.

So I’m like this, if you try me, I’m not talking to you anymore- EVER! I know that’s a bit harsh but damn, if EVERY man comes at you like it’s all about stickin then that mess gets old. Sure, I want to have some sex, but I want it to be on my own terms, when I’m ready. I’m not saying I have a pre set time limit or anything I just don’t want to feel like I’m some man’s booty call. I’m too old and too cute for that. On the real, I know I’m worth more than that.

As of now I’m not excited about dating anymore. No, I’m not going back into my shell. I’ll carefully consider future offers. But now I know the truth. I know that when men look at me they don’t want to hear about my hopes for the future— all they want to do is hit.

That’s sad.

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