I had sex last night

Mmm, hmmm….

Sholl did.

But it wasn’t anything to write home about. It had been a long time for me and it gave me a chance to really evaluate why my sexual encounters lack passion.

Wanna know why? Cuz I ain’t passionate about anyone.

I was at work when I whipped out my cell phone to call my lil sister to pick me up. (Work being a graduation dinner at the country club.) It was beautiful.

She scooped me and my phone rang. It was my girl Sylvia (remember her? she was the chick who had us both stuck on South Beach in the freezing cold). She finally convinced me to go out with her again and I told her that since my boys would be away, Saturday would be the perfect night.

“I’m soo sorry,” Sylvia cooed into the phone.
“Sorry about what?” I asked her.
“I can’t go out tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Ms. Teee I have this huge pimple on my face and I look sooo UGLY!”
“Just wanted to let you know that I’m never making plans with you again.”
“Don’t say that! This is my first time canceling on you like this.”
“Dude, you’re letting your white side take over.” (Sylvia is mixed, black & white)
“No, you don’t understand. You don’t have to deal with acne like I do.”
“You’re right I don’t understand. But that’s okay. I’ll figure out something to do. Bye.”

I hang up and ride home.

I call Dianna. She tells me that she’s doing her hair and when she’s done she’ll call me back so that we can go out.

I take off my clothes and lie down and watch TV, enjoying the quiet of the house.

I call my bestfriend Tamara and we chit chat for a bit. I realize that it’s after 10pm and I call Dianna.

“Girl,” she tells me. “I’m sorry, I got caught up in this book you let me hold.”

I roll my eyes. “Girl, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.”

I lie back down and snuggle up in my covers. It feels so good in my bed. It’s so soft. But one thing would make this so much better. A DRINK!

I hurry to the kitchen and fix me some Snoop Doggy Dog inspired, Gin and Juice.

I’m sipping and watching TV when my cell phone rings. I look at the caller ID. Hmm… 954-area code. Who do I know from Broward County? I shrug and answer the phone. A familiar deep voice greets me.

“Well hello to you.”
“Um, hey. Who is this?”
“Oh so you forgot about me already?”
Thinking~ “Ohhh, this is Ray.” I smile.

Ray is a cutie I met when I was in Gainesville although he lives in South Florida. Our friendship is really based on our love for the written and spoken word and we both believe we have these incredible gifts that God would have us use for Him one day. But right now, we’re at the same age and the same stage in cultivating our gifts and we’re just trying to survive.

“So what are you up to?” he asks me.
“I’m just in my bed enjoying some peace and quiet. My boys are gone for the weekend.”
“Oh really, you feel like some company?”

I look at the clock. 10:44 pm. By the time he gets here it’ll be close to 11:30.
Now I’m not dumb. In fact, I’m well aware of what could go down when he gets here.

“Sure,” I tell him. “Come on over. “

Quick shower. Push the clothes in the closet and close the doors. Put on some sweat pants and a t-shirt. We’re just friends. We just hang out and laugh and share poetry and stories. We’re just cool. But if the opportunity presents itself, I’m not gonna pass it up THIS TIME.

He calls me and tells me he’s outside. I walk out and show him in. After showing him around we sit down on the couch and watch Sex and the City, the episode where Carrie has met a guy named Jack Burger that she likes but he’s horrible in bed. It’s actually my first time watching Sex In The City. I just never wanted to see it.

After that episode, we turned to another movie called Chat Room. It was funny in a b-movie kinda way. By the end of the movie we were both asleep on the couch, his head resting on my a pillow on my lap. He shook me awake.

“I guess I’d better get on this road back home,” he tells me.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” I ask him, smile and bat my eyelashes.
“What else do you have in mind?”
“Well,” I say as I turn off the TV. “We can start by going in my room.”

He laughs and follows me.

Ray is 6’1″ 185 pounds. He is as dark as a snickers bar and very aloof. He’s also very handsome. He’s not pushy at all, he’s the kinda guy that will go wherever you lead.

So I take the lead and ask him to get comfortable.

He does and so do I.

I get comfortable by getting rid of those baggy sweat pants and I turn the TV to the Smooth R&B music channel.

Uhh, Ahhh by Boyz II Men is playing.

I can see my silhouette on the wall fade as the television goes completely dark.

Sorry- no HOB (Brown Shuga, 2004) details this time.

But I will say that afterwards we talked a bit and then he left and I was feeling very empty. Not empty like he took advantage of me. But empty like damn, I just had another round of meaningless sex. There was no passion, no fondling no, kissing and no, no….lovemaking.

Well, that should last me for the rest of the year, I think to myself. Damn I should have requested one more go round.

I am so tired of this blah blah sex. I mean, honestly I wait for so long in between sessions and I’m so looking forward to doing it again because in my mind it’s GREAT, but in reality it lacks…it lacks…it lacks emotion.

You know what I want?

I want a million passionate marks when we’re all done. I want to be so exhausted that I can’t move. I want to be told I’m beautiful and that I’m a bad bad girl. I want to hear a man say, “I love you so much, Ms. Tee.”

I don’t want this kind of sex again.

Why the hell do I wait so long just to be dissappointed? I mean, Ray is really cool with me and we’re friends but that’s about it.

Ruby always gets to me cuz she says for me sex is either feast or famine. Like most things in my life I am very extreme. I’m either doing it a lot or not doing it at all for extended periods of time.
I don’t even know why the hell I wrote all this. Passion is not something you can practice or hope for. You can’t evoke emotions through sex. There’s nothing I can do to avoid this kind of empty sexual gratification but to wait. Wait until I actually like someone and they like me back, or wait until someone loves me. Whichever comes first.

I am too sweet not to experience good love.

I guess everything comes in time.