Man. This is the life.
I’m in bed in my favorite (and only) night gown. No underwear. Bag of Smart White cheddar popcorn, some blue gatorade and my laptop at my fingertips.
I sigh up at the ceiling as the air conditioning blows a cool breeze on me.
This is the life.
I finally found my safe place. I can hear the words repeat themselves in my mind.
My safe place.
I’ve been searching for it everywhere. In every job I have. In every person I take a risk and allow into my life. I’ve looked and I’ve looked but nothing feels better than when I am completely alone.
I don’t bother anyone. No one bothers me.
I only have to speak when I feel like it. I can create to my heart’s content. I don’t have to worry about how my personality affects others or how their critical ways and evil intentions impact me.
I can be my REAL self and no one complains. I can dream or be pitiful or plan or do nothing at all.
My safe place is with myself.
I’m trying not to feel like this is wrong or that others have it better because they find safety in the company of other people. I have felt safe around others but it doesn’t last long. That voice in my head and the feeling in my heart warns me to stay away or go back and be alone and it’s right.
I never feel this full, this complete, this at peace when I am with anyone else- except my sons.
Outside of them, being around people feels wrong.
And so I enjoy this ME time, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud if I turn the radio on and start singing.
And I get to interrupt my ME time when I have to go to work, but 6-8 hours later, I’m back to being with ME again and I feel good again.
This feels so good to me. I love being with myself.