I Feel Pretty

I fell asleep in tears last night. My mind is jumbled with all of the decisions that I have to make and I’m not good at making decisions. I’m one of those people who needs to get educated opinions from my friends, then consider them all and make the final choice. I’ve accepted that about myself. Because I trust my friends and consider them intelligent people, I’m glad that they are there to help me figure stuff out.

Even though I fell asleep all tense, somehow I had a freaky dream. And get this- It was about this guy who works in the marketing department at my job. Ewww! I have programmed my mind to reject the idea of desiring a penis. So even though I meet men, I take their cards and all, I don’t call any of them. I’m not ready. I don’t trust myself not to get into a situation like I did with Dude. I don’t want that to happen again. PLUS- I’ve had my fill of penis for the year.

Anyway, so in my dream I’m sitting in the living room and this man from the marketing department walks in. He’s all chocolatey and delicious looking. He has glasses like mine too. He’s stripping for me. He starts to undress, first his shirt, then his pants and oh my- he’s not wearing underwear. He dances for me and starts to kiss me and I let him. Until he moves down to kiss my stomache.

HALT!

Ewwww! I flinch. My jelly belly is not the cutest sight. But he doesn’t seem to care and I allow him to kiss me over and over. he he…Enough details for you. Now, I’m afraid I will blush too hard when I see him today. LOL!

Crushes are fun when you don’t reveal them. I think I’ll let him be my new fantasy man. I hope he doesn’t ruin it by actually trying to talk to me.

Things are much better today than they were a few days ago. I’m still going over and over in my mind about how I’m going to be able to support my family on this salary. The cost of living is cheaper but I now have more bills. Health insurance, double taxes cuz Georgia takes state and federal taxes out of your paycheck, as well as aftercare bills for both my sons have to be calculated into my budget, which leaves me with barely any money, actually I’m at zero and my allocation for rent is minimal. I don’t know ya’ll.

I also feel like I need a new car. My car is in Miami and it’s been good to me but I think it’s time to move on. In a dream world, I would love to give it away to my cousins who have kids but no car. It would make a world of difference in their lives, even though it’s not in the best of shape. They can all share it.

I’m not sure if I can even drive it up here, but I guess I’ll have to try. Ima be real about it, maybe I feel like I need a new car because I’m tired of feeling unsuccessful. Now I see why new college grads run out and get themselves into debt by purchasing a shiny new vehicle. They have worked so hard to finish school and they want to have something they can be proud of in their possession. Some people say, “Don’t do it! WAIT- save for later.” But I once heard a story about a young man who stressed himself so much during college to get straight A’s and get the right internships. He allowed himself no fun, thinking he’s work hard now and play hard later. A week after his graduation he died.

That really hit home.

I’ve never been the show off type, but I do like nice things. I’m not into labels or name brands at all. Let me stop being like this. If my car can make it up here I will continue to drive it. My priority is to save money so that I can get a nice place for me and my sons. Success may be all around me, but one day I will get there too.

If the hooptie makes it to ATL, I will tape the damn rearview mirror back on, tape the passenger window up, and continue to have to roll down the window in order to reach outside my car and open the door since the inside door handles don’t work anymore. The engine hasn’t even cut off since April. I may be okay. If you guys don’t hear from me after I take my trip- come get me- I’m stuck on the turnpike. LOL!

Last night Tamara suggested we get together with Kim to celebrate the publication of my first story. The magazine came out yesterday all over Atlanta and in 19 other cities across the US.

“Let’s go get some dinner and then go to a movie,” she suggested.

“Prince,” I said slowly. “Why would we go out to a movie when you have a movie theatre at your house?”

She laughed.

“It’s not time to celebrate yet. I have so many other things to settle.”

“But Tee, you haven’t even been here for two weeks and you’re published in one of the biggest publications here.”

“Yeah but…I have so much more to do before I am settled. It’s just a story. Let’s celebrate later.”

We watched Run’s House last night. I have a love/hate relationship with that show. I love it because I love how the family is so cool and the wife is so sweet and all of the kids are just beautiful. But I hate it because I never had a daddy like that. It’s as if he has the heart of God for his children. Whatever they want, he makes it happen. They trust him completely and they never have to worry that things won’t work out for them.

I wish I could trust God like that. In a way I feel like I go to God as a beggar, hoping he takes mercy on me and grants my request. The Bible says go boldy before the throne…I go in with my head bowed, asking for very little because in a way, I’m not sure if he cares enough to even want to make me happy.

Yeah…it’s hard to change that mentality, but I’m working on it. Funny how my friend Kim is the exact opposite. Kim will pray like this, “Come on Daddy! You gotta do this Daddy! You KNOW I need it!” Like a spoiled little girl who is used to getting her way. “He loves me and He knows I work hard. I can ask Him for anything I want and I know He will provide,” Kim says.

I love that about her. Her earthly father is the same way, so I know it’s not much of a stretch for her to believe that her father in heaven loves her more.

~sigh~

I look pretty today.

That’s always a plus.

The beautiful thing about all this drama and uncertainty is, when I wake up in the morning I am excited to go to work. That’s a very nice feeling.

Have a great weekend!