I just got off the phone with my sister and we discussed the possibility of me making a move back to Miami.
I know I can find the money to make it back there. The trip should probably take 4 or 5 days depending on how long I stay in each of the cities I stop in along the way. Houston first. Then Lousiana, then a quick stop in maybe a stop in Gainesville to visit my brother. Then on to Miami.
In planning for my departure I feel defeated because if I leave I’ll be going back to where I began with no real plan, except to find a secretary job or something and just stay there until my boys get older. I won’t be able to get my kids back with me because the real estate is so expensive there and I won’t live in the projects with my boys. I grew up that way and I promised myself that they would never see it.
I can’t live with my parents because they don’t know how to talk to me. I can’t take that demeaning, aggressive talk that they do it kills me. My sister can handle it, she says it motivates her but I’ve had enough of people telling me what a horrible person I am and how I’m never gonna be anything.
So Marsha has offered to let me sleep on her couch. It’s better than sleeping in my car I guess but who knows how many months I’ll be there. Look how long it took me to decide to move to Atlanta because I couldn’t find a job.
The upside is that I’ll get to see my kids. The downside is that I won’t have a home to take them to in order to spend time with them and they wont be able to spend weekends with me or anything.
I have like..this peace in my heart. I asked God to make this my home by giving me a good job and some friends and I don’t have either. Maybe this isn’t my home.
I feel like such a screw up. I feel like apologizing for leading you all to believe that if you have faith and take risks you can make a better life for yourself. I feel like all of my whole passion for inspiring others to prosper and believe..maybe it’s a lie.
Maybe you should just accept who you are and where you are and…just wait for heaven. I never think about heaven but maybe I should. Maybe I should focus on that desired end and walk numbly through each day hoping for the day I die.
Nah…I’m trying to feel all hopeless but that just ain’t me. Things didn’t work out in Dallas for me. That’s okay. Shit..I tried. I was bold as hell huh?!
Think about what I’ve done! I have moved all over BY MYSELF, with NO MONEY! I’ve been in some crazy ass situations when most people have NEVER even lived outside of the neighborhood they grew up in.
I’m a bad bitch. And even if no good comes from all of these faith moves, at least I’ll have some wild stories to tell.
“Gramma, Gramma! Tell us about when you hopped in your car and just moved from city to city?” my Grandkids will ask me.
“Ooh boys! Lemme tell ya,” I’ll say as I adjust my glasses. “Gramma was young and hot. Much like I am now. But Gramma had a dream. She wanted to be able to inspire the world to embrace their fantasies. Gramma was having some problems finding stable work and I was smart but stubborn and prideful. I ended up leaving your Daddy with his Daddy and off I went to Atlanta. Hotlanta is what they called it then before it became overcrowded and the economy went bad. Chasing my dream of developing the skills to succeed I moved to Houston with nothing and lived on the streets and in hostels. Gramma was even in a homeless shelter for one night.”
“Gramma you were homeless like the men downtown that sleep on the ground?” they ask.
“Not quite like them because I don’t play that plus my friends love me too much to let that happen. But no address of my own and my bank account was empty.”
“Empty?”
“Yes. Empty.”
“But how did you get all of this?” they will ask as they guesture towards the tricked out mansion and the house staff busily tending to the upkeep.
“Gramma never gave up boys. I did it for you. Sometimes I would doubt God and doubt myself. I would even doubt the dream I know God gave me. But when I would have those doubts I’d just write about it and release those negative emotions. When I was done I felt better and I was able to focus on the promise. It’s all God boys. If God hadn’t spoken to me that first time when I gave my life to Him, I probably wouldn’t believe. But since I heard Him tell me He loved me and He forgave me, I knew He was real and He would never leave me in a place where I was miserable. The story I wrote became my first book and that led to many other books and speaking engagements. People believed in my struggle. They believed with me. They found hope in my journey and it blessed them. I tell you all the time, the more you bless others, the more you are blessed.”
“How did you meet Granddaddy?”
“Ohh..He came along just when I needed him to. I was all alone and about to make a decision to give up. Just when I thought I had no one He appeared and showed me that He believed in my dream. He showed me. He didn’t TELL me. That’s why I always say that words mean nothing, let your actions speak for you.”
“Gramma you are amazing!”
“Yeah, that’s what they tell me. But who is truly amazing is the God we serve and I owe nothing to myself. I made so many mistakes that I thought I couldn’t bounce back from but God protected me and sent me this wonderful man who loves me like He does.”
“I want to marry a woman just like you Gramma!”
“Be careful what you ask for, I’m a handful and I know it. But in the end you will get exactly what you give so be mindful of that.”
I walk forward as though the path behind me has fallen away. I don’t look back I look ahead, allowing my fantasies to become the blueprint for my success.
God knows my name. He knows my path and the future is brilliant for me.
If I can just get through the uncertainty of today, I will move into that spectacular place that is already waiting for me. It may be in Miami. Who knows. I will trust Him.
I believe.