My sons are sitting on the floor eating a snack and watching cartoons. Today went way better than I expected it to, my cough isn’t as bad and I still have a few dollars to get me through until I go to work tomorrow nite. I look forward to seeing Tamara when she gets into town tomorrow and me and Mimi have a date for Christmas Day to see Seven Pounds. I won tickets on a website. Yay me!
But..here I am at another crossroad in my life. I think it’s a good thing that this is happening at the end of the year because every January 1st feels like a new beginning. But honestly, I try to make a new beginning in the area of men so often, but everything seems to repeat itself.
Let’s see. If you’ve been following me for a while you kinda get the repitition. I usually lust after or become infatutated by some unreachable man. Once in a while I actually MEET someone that I like and in typical Ms. Tee fashion, I let him know, grab that, and lose it just as quickly.
This last episode with Steve taught me quite a few things. One, I know I was compromising quite a bit because spiritually, he wasn’t headed in the same direction that I am headed in, but I loved his conversation more than anything else. Theres an old saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I guess that’s me. Maybe I’m insane. In my heart I feel like someone will love me just as I am without me having to alter my personality or my habits to cause attraction, to challenge them or to make them want me more. But maybe I’m wrong. Obviously my way of doing things has not worked for me. I can’t even remember a time when a man that I wanted, wanted me back.
Today I received an intriguing email from a long time reader. She says she has been following my blog since my days in Dallas and she said she is a tarot reader and is clairesentient and she has a message for me.
Here is her message:
When I have a dream about someone, I know that there is a message God is sending through me to that person.
So, I won’t do a reading with the cards but I will rely the message to you. Don’t be offended…you give too much of yourself away to men too soon. The relationship with Steve unraveled because you didn’t leave the mystery intact. Your heart is hungry for love, but this hunger manifested itself as desperation. You must resist the urge to have sex with anyone who is not ready for the whole you. When a man is interested, learn to hold back. Men like a challenge, when you drove to see Steve it turned him off. He wanted a match, a strong independent woman who can take care of herself. I know that you put on this front but inside you are sweet and tender. If you made him wait months to come back to see you, he would have broke down the door trying to make it back to you.
You have a beautiful soul and in time you will attract “the one” person that God has destined for you. But, if you have sex with someone where there is no love-what will you have saved for that one man who will stand up and stand beside you?
Wait for the man that is divinely right for you, you are not like other people. You touched people’s lives at the soul level, you have to learn to protect yourself “spiritually” from negative influences. We will all have negative experiences but we can limit the effect of negative influences. A person like you will have the life sucked out of you, if you allow the wrong people around you.
Well, that is it for now.
Take Care and Have A Beautiful and Blessed Holiday!
I do enjoy feedback from readers through comments and especially through email. When someone takes the time to write me a personal message through email, it shows me that they really care and are not just doing it for show.
This message was one that all of my friends have probably been trying to hammer into my head for years. The problem is, I do not know how to have a relationship with a man without it becoming sexual. A lot of times I use secks as a way to gauge how they feel about me. Like a test of sorts, if they do it, they aren’t worth my time. Most aren’t.
This time was different, I actually liked the person that was presented to me. Of course there were some things I could have lived without but for the most part, the way he handled my personality and attitude was exemplary. I don’t know. I still don’t feel like I was doing anything “wrong” just being myself which is what most people who I’ve interviewed said they did when they attracted the one who they feel most connected to.
I wonder if I can try to play the “catch me if you can” role. But for the most part, I don’t like anyone that I meet and secks is all I really want from them. I get that…I’m done. I’m not sad about it.
This time I was sad because I opened up more than my legs to him. I opened up my heart, I compromised on those things that I knew were very important and I allowed him to have certain flaws because I know I have them. I’m not devastated or anything, more like dissappointed but on a certain level- relieved. Like I always say, I am an expert at letting go of a man and moving on with my life and my goals. I have no idea what it would feel like for a man to want to stay and for me to want him to stay. For the first time since my children’s father, I felt like this could become that. It scared the hell out of me- to the point where I actually prayed that he would fuck up so I could let him go. It happened. I always get what I want.
I’m in this state of missing him for reasons that are unknown to me right now…coupled with feeling disgusted by his behaviour but still understanding that maybe he acted that way out of retaliation for relationship issues from his past and wanting to help him discover and heal from that.
I don’t know everything, but I do not mind revealing my life lessons along the way. I DO know that I give the exact type of love that I want to receive from people. I encourage others in the same way that I want encouragement and I love in the same way that I want to be loved.
Am I wrong for being me? Am I hurting myself over and over again? Will things ever change? Will I ever get it right? Will I continue to fall in love with men like Kanye, The Prez, Donovan Daniels, Steve and others who are unavailable to me?
I sincerely hope to one day write a book about REAL LOVE. I’d like the man I’m with to co author this book with me but for now, I’ll stick to writing and teaching about getting over heartbreak. THIS is what I know…What I experience and what I’m skilled to teach. I always manage to move on.
Maybe next year, my subject matter will shift to something more positive. Hopefully…