I smiled the whole time remembering how I used to cook– long time ago. The chops came out okay. Next time I’ll have to marinate them because they tasted blank. Nothing like the ones my StepDaddy used to make. He was a very good cook. My mother rarely cooked or cleaned. She just used to come home, grab a Budweiser and watch the stories.

Then I started thinking about my sons and how well they are eating now that they are with their Daddy. Everytime I speak to them they are raving about what kind of food he cooked for them and I always say, “I wish I had some.”

You ever feel blessed and highly favored and you can’t quite figure out why? I know… Don’t kill me. I’m just a “I have to give and do in order to receive love and blessings” type of chick and God is clearly showing me that He loves me regardless. He loves me like I love my sons. He celebrates who I am because I am a part of Him.

Tonight when I got home from work I felt good but I really needed a hug. So I called Kim which is basically the same thing and we talked and talked. Kim has a fascination with celebrities that I can’t quite grasp. She kind of idolizes their lives and dreams of being a philanthropist and a missionary and a businesswoman and a soccer Mom all at the same time. What I love most about Kim is the fact that she’s like Mimi in that, she loves the Lord, and she’s always up in church, but she respects my walk with God.

I have never heard her utter a harsh word toward me in respect to me making choices for how I worship God or my path to righteous living. I guess I’m still hurting over my interaction with Marsha this weekend but I honestly realize now that I don’t want a husband who is religious like she is. I think with her, her relationship is defined by the word OBEDIENCE. My relationship is defined by TRUST and ACCEPTANCE.

I just don’t want to have to constantly defend myself in my relationhip. I mean…he can go to church if he wants but I don’t really want him to be beating me over the head with scriptures and screaming at me because I’m liberal and I follow my own path. That kind of structure is not ideal to me at this point and the covering that people speak of to me– well, I feel like I get that from God anyway.

I am not religious. I do have a relationship with God. I do not allow anyone to define my relationship and I don’t care to conform to anyone else’s convictions. What I don’t understand is, if I don’t push my beliefs on you, why must you do that to me? Or maybe I’m being hypersensitive. Raycita says I have a habit of doing that.

Why do I always bring up the man I am believing God for? Well.. because I know I was not meant to be alone for the rest of my life. There’s nothing wrong with desiring companionship and my friends have fulfilled that role so far in the most amazing way but I can see the preperation in my life now when I’m not even trying. It’s not about secks either. It’s about receiving that Godsend like Glory wrote about. That wonderful man who will say, “Girl, you smell stank. Come on over here and let me give you a bath.”

I want more children and I can’t have them alone. It’s okay to desire love. It’s okay to express it and fantasize about it. As long as it is not overtaking you and pushing you to depression because it has not manifested, your desire for love is healthy and God led. It will happen.

I’m speaking to myself as well.

I’m really, really trying to be more social at work. You all know I’m anti social and prefer to communicate through the internet. I have asked my Director if I can have my own office but that was mainly because as a creative writer I can’t work with a lot of distractions. I prefer quiet or subdued noise. She said, No. LOL!

So while I’m in the office with two other people I try to talk to them casually but it takes a lot of effort since I’m always afraid they won’t understand how I think or the things I say. And I’m always spouting some wisdom about being a blessing or some righteous talk and I don’t really know how to have “regular” conversation about TV shows and men because all I think about is success and righteous living.

This week I visited 3 different people and sat in their offices to talk about nothing. I was so scared I was going to say the wrong thing or give the wrong impression. It’s not like I’m mean it’s just…I am wayyy too open about life issues. It’s difficult for me to keep it superficial. JB used to tell me that I get too deep too quickly and I would respond, “But I don’t know how to stay on the surface.”

All in all the only thing that annoys me at work is when people gossip negatively about each other AND especially when they talk bad about the company. I always roll my eyes and think, “Dude, if you hate it so much, why are you here?” That makes me look at them funny because they are torturing themselves if they stay in a place that they hate or don’t appreciate.

My motto is: Speak well of the man (or woman) who has dug the ditches to provide a place of employment for you to feed your family. How can you curse the supplier of groceries on your table? Bless him at all times and be grateful.

If’ it’s that bad then leave and trust God to find the perfect place for you.

I did. And so far…things are working out.

And if it doesn’t continue to work out, then God will move me.

It’s about trusting the SUPPLIER.

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Thanks everyone for loving me and understanding me, even though I know I’m kind of crazy/different.