Here Goes…

So all of a sudden I care about what you think of me? (Yes, that was a question.)

All of a sudden I’m worried about my Baby Daddy reading these words, my other flings from the past reading this and I’m worried about sounding like a chump because of my feelings.

Let me let go…

I realize that I can’t make you like me.

“You gotta love yourself before someone else can love you.”

I am tired of hearing that shit.

Hello! I am 5’1″, 135 lbs, and I am cute as hell! Sorry, not conceited, just real with myself.

I don’t wake up in the morning all grumpy and sad at the world, for the most part I’m happy. I love my job, I have great sons and I have a tight apartment that God provided for me and my sons. I am so blessed. I am so talented. I am so driven. I have so much energy and vigor and life and ambition and vision and… and…I know that I have come a long way and I can actually say that I am proud of myself. I am making it. I am doing my thang. I am being me and a whole bunch of people love me for it.

So why, why do I dwell on the people who don’t appreciate me more than I dwell on the positive people in my life? Why is it that one bad interaction or unreturned affection or dissappointment, why does it seem to turn my world upside down?

~sidenote~ I’m really having a hard time writing this because I KNOW that my children’s father will probably read this and laugh at me. It hurts to know that someone enjoys knowing you are in pain. ~end sidenote~

As much positivity as I try to release into this world, I am absolutely floored when it is not returned. A smile for a smile right? No, not always.

Am I too sensitive? Probably. Do I have esteem issues? Most def. Is something inherantly wrong with me, something that I can’t see? I second guess myself so much when it comes to relationships with men and women. I’m constantly asking my closest friends if there are things I can do to be a better friend/sister/mother.

I have this overhwhelming desire to do the right thing. And most times I am able to accomplish that, but then why, in the midst of my doing good for others, do I feel like I’m not REALLY doing anything good.

Because if I was doing it the right way, then someone would love me. If I was doing things the right way then I would not be someone’s hated baby mama. If I was doing things the right way then maybe I wouldn’t be JUST getting to know my bio father and I wouldn’t hate myself sometimes.

Crazy. Yeah, it is. I don’t even think I’m making sense to myself.

I see them all the time, them being THEM, those people who are inconsiderate and selfish and mean. THEY have what I want, they have someone to love them. They have someone right there with them everyday, sharing their struggles and their hopes.

I am such a good friend to many. And when I mess up I always make it right. ALWAYS. I never let people down. I’m not fake. I don’t gossip. I don’t talk bad about ppl behind their backs. But all this do good, all this has gotten me is confused. Confused because I go out of my way to show love and I don’t get it in return.

And the funny thing is, with men, it’s like the more I show love, the less I get back. It really hurt me what happened with THE ATTORNEY. I hadn’t liked anyone in THAT WAY since my children’s father. I was so open with THE ATTORNEY. I was so free with him. So vulnerable. So loving and accepting and appreciative of the small amount of time he gave me. I just wanted to…make him smile and let him know that I thought he was great. (And I’m using him as an example, he’s not he only one.)

But dude didn’t even care. He lied to me the entire time and just, stopped speaking to me. Like I did something wrong. What did I do besides be a good friend to you?

Please tell me. All of you? What did I do that was so bad? For you to NEVER speak to me again? What was it? I’m not overbearing. I make sure to give you your space. I understand that a man needs time with his boys. I’m cool with that. I’m down for whatever kinda sex you like.

The worst thing you can do to a person is to walk away without an explanation. Even when they move on, they will question themselves, constantly wondering if every little step they take is what drove you away.

My friends are so wonderful. They keep reminding me that I am beautiful and special and I appreciate the love chica’s, I really do.

I just wonder if I have some kind of repellent for the male species. Or if, like I love to tell myself, it’s simply not my time to receive the complete family that I have been ashamed to admit that I want.