Goodbye Again

I don’t know what’s going on with my body. This is the 3rd time in 2 months that I have felt like I was battling the flu. I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy but I managed to get my son to finish his homework and send them off to summer camp without too many problems.

By the time I got home my friend was ringing my phone off the hook extremely upset that her guy friend hadn’t called when he said he would therefore causing her to assume that he is trying to disrespect her by calling her at the last minute to confirm their plans for this Saturday.

I let her vent a little and then told her to shut up. LOL! When it comes to men I realize that we over react because we are afraid of being taken for granted. But as she continued to share all of her insecurities about the relationship I sat in silence listening intently.

“Girl, He makes me sick! He thinks that I’m just gonna sit there and he can snap his fingers and I will come running. If he doesn’t call me by Wednesday night I’m not going out with his ass! How dare he promise to call me on a certain day and then he doesn’t do it! I’m not some 2 cent ass hoe who is sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. His ass ain’t that special. I hate his bitch ass! You don’t leave me as an afterthought. You don’t disrespect me like that! I’m not some desperate hoe. In fact, I canceled plans with someone else to make plans with him. His ass is ungrateful and If I see him I’m gonna f*** him up!”

Damn. She’s mad for real. Fellas, if you don’t call- it’s a big deal. Trust.

But as she spoke I felt like maybe God was speaking to me. As far as Dude is concerned, I am always an afterthought. I hear from him often but it’s always after he’s done everything he has to do for the day. He says he likes to relax with me but I know that if he had someone else, I wouldn’t be on the agenda. Am I a 2 cent hoe, always available and waiting for him to squeeze me in for a quick one?

That hurt my feelings. Only because I know that it is true. Because I have no desire to sleep with more than one person at a time plus the fact that I actually LIKE Dude keeps me saying YES to him during those last minute, late night phone calls. I don’t want to keep company with multiple men. But sometimes I feel like I should. Just to make sure I’m not so available all the time.

When my friend’s hair dresser called for her to get her hair washed we hung up and I knew what I had to do. Even thought it was 9am I dialed Dude’s number and he answered, “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing. What’s up with you?”

“I’m on my way to work.”

“Well, that means you’re gonna be late then.”

“Probably. What’s up?”

“Well, I was hoping today would be the day.”

“For what?”

“For us to finally stop this crap we’re doing. Come on, my birthday is coming up and I’m tired of being dissappointed. You said that when I was really ready to end this “thing” between us that all I had to do was tell you and you’d back off. I’m ready. I’m serious this time. I want us to leave this alone. You already know all the reasons why.”

He paused for a second then said, “OK. I feel you. Well, I have a lot of stuff at your house.”

“When would you like to get it?”

“How about today at lunch. I’ll come by then.”

“OK, call me to make sure I’m home.”

“OK.”

As soon as I hung up I began to feel numb. I wrote a little and then I went over to the couch to rest. I have had this aching pain in my left side since Friday and it’s been so bad that at times I can barely walk. I’ve also had chills and a fever and nausea and my appetite is completely gone. I don’t know what’s going on but it’s not pretty.

So there I sat on my couch freezing and feeling hot at the same time. I’m trembling from the cold feeling I have and my body is aching. I make it to my bathroom cabinet and find the Theraflu. I make some and drink it and then take a hot shower to relieve my aches.

It works for a little while. An hour later I’m back on the couch and my life is flashing before my eyes. When I get sick, I’m very dramatic. I always think that I am going to die. But since I’m usually alone during these times, it doesn’t affect anyone. I ask God to let me live because I have so much that I want to do in life.

Then I think about the past few months with Dude and all of the fun we’ve had hanging together. Then I think about how every single week we say that we are not gonna speak to each other anymore because we are on two different pages. But we always come back.

One time I asked him to leave because I was emotionally drained from dealing with him. He stood up and put his shoes back on, grabbed his hat and stood at the door. I walked over and unlocked it. But my hand brushed his arm and I felt it.

It.

That magnetic attraction that always pulls me back in. He paused because he felt it too. Ten minutes later I’m on my stomache gripping the sheets. An hour later we’re cuddling with each other and I look up at him and whisper, “You know I can’t stand you.” He smiles and says, “I know” and we drift off to sleep.

Damn. He got me.

But this has to stop. So I decided that when he comes to pick up his stuff I would leave it outside so I wouldnt fall victim to his magnetism.

I missed his call because I was in the shower but when I called him back I told him that I would leave his stuff in a ziploc bag in my mailbox. He paused before saying, “Ok.”

I bet he doesn’t believe me.

But I am for real. I am tired. Just tired. I want to go back to how I was before when I was used to being alone all the time. I don’t want to crave the affection of a man, especially one who treats me like I’m an afterthought.

~sigh~

I feel better though. I sat shivering in pain for most of the day. I took some advil and drank some gatorade and that helped. By the time I had to pick up my kids I was feeling a lot better but not enough to cook them dinner so we ate fast food. I had to try that 99cent chicken sandwhich from Wendy’s. Wendy’s chicken sandwhich combo is my FAVORITE fast food so when I saw the commercial I almost flipped. And it was GOOD too!

After wrestling with my son to finish his homework, my body finally shut down on me and I passed out on the couch while my sons played nearby. When I woke up, I was relieved to feel better. I thanked my boys for being so good while Mommy rested and I got them ready for bed.

As soon as the house grew quiet my thoughts turned to him. I am going to miss his company but I’ll get over it.

I know I will.

I have to make room for the real blessings to come into my life.

And I will.