Get My Head Right

Me at work yesterday

It hurt me to read your comments yesterday especially the ones who mentioned that they think Dell is gay. I know that I have a paranoia concerning men, especially men in ATL so that is why I may have painted the picture in that way. You can only see things through my eyes because my eyes are always expecting to find some DL behaviour. I would hate for my story to damage his reputation because I believe he is a good person, he was just uninterested in me. I don’t really think he’s gay. I just think he was not interested in me. Placing him in the category of homosexual allows me to ease my mind as to why yet another man was not receptive to my being.

Regardless, it’s not about him being gay or not, it’s about me knowing what I want and not settling for less. In this case, I settled. In many cases I settle but in this case I settled big time because affection is very important to me and he expressed that he could not and would not give that to me because he doesn’t like it. I still pushed for it though, forcing him to be responsive or seem rude. I see why he called me manipulative. I didn’t think I was, but I was.

Dell did a few nice things for me. He would compromise by turning off the football when I was there and he remembered what kind of wings I liked when he ordered my favorite treat, hot wings and blue cheese. He also smoked me out whenever I wanted and he completely fulfilled his obligation to Ruby by taking me out and showing me a good time.

I’m not a bounce around the city type of chick. I don’t like to socialize, be out and be all up in stranger’s faces. For me, a perfect night is a funny movie like Friday After Next, a blunt and some cuddle time with a fine man. I’m not a clubber so I don’t accept invitations to hang out in that capacity. I like to drink but I don’t drink and drive, so meeting up for cocktails is out of the question.

My friends used to ask me the same questions some of you ask like, “Why don’t you ever go OUT with these guys?” Cuz…I don’t want to. I don’t like to be out. When I meet a man I like to see how he lives and how he chills in the house because that’s what I like to do most. Some people want to be wined and dined, I want to be fed and rubbed. It’s my personal preference. If I met a man who was always going in and out of different events and parties and he expected me to go with him, we wouldn’t work because I would want to stay at home and wait for him to get back. I’m not into the fake social scene. I’d prefer a smaller group or one on one, of people I know don’t mind sharing their true selves with me instead of politicking to gain something.

I’m not even going to sugarcoat it, I still have some form of feelings for Dell. Actualy, my feelings have not changed a bit. Even if Dell was bi, gay or even if he had HIV, I would still want to be with him, to take care of him and show him love, whether he showed it back or not. Crazy right? Yeah I know. But I already told you that I decided that I would be a friend to him and the kind of friend I am, loves unconditionally, understands that every action is fueled by an underlying situation or emotion. I always forgive.

Maybe that’s my downfall. Maybe I should forgive less and demand more but frankly, I can only be me. Being me means loving the people around me, anticipating their needs and trying to meet them and placing everyone on a pedestal because I think everyone needs to be admired at some point in their lives. I want to be that person that tells you how wonderful you are. I want to stand you in front of a mirror and point out your valuable qualities.

That’s how my friends treat me.

That’s how I treat them.

And that’s what kind of friend I wanted to be with Dell, but he didn’t want that. ~shrugs~ My type of friendship isn’t meant for everyone so I did what I had to do; I deleted his number from my phone for the last time.

Leave it alone. Wish him well. Have other things to do with my life besides force him to accept my love.

It’s time to focus on me. I need to get my head right.