Time To Wake The Hell Up

So I’m sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for the police officer to come and give me a ticket after my early morning car accident. He does. I dont sweat it. I had been updating Dell on the status of the accident the entire time in between him taking business calls.

I text Dell and tell him that I am coming over so he can look at my car. No, I didn’t call first. He doesnt text me back so I call him when I am downstairs and he doesn’t answer. I call him again and he answers and I say, “I’m downstairs.”

He’s like, “So you think you can just come by my house without calling?”

I’m quiet.

He says, “I’ll be right down, man.”

He takes his poor sweet time coming downstairs and when he gets there he looks at my car and plays around with it a little bit, telling me I just need some new paint and a new mirror and I will be fine. I can tell he’s mad.

I’m standing there with my arms folded and he has his cell phone in his ear and he’s looking at me.

“What do you want from me, man? he asks and leans against my car taking a puff of his black and mild.

“I want you to be a friend to me. I want you to treat me like my friends treat me.”

“I don’t know you like your friends know you. You text me telling me you’re coming over and when I call you back you don’t answer.”

“I couldn’t answer, the police were there. You didnt leave a message.”

“So you just come over? I’m WORKING. Yes, I am sitting at home but I’m still working. I had to transfer 4 phone lines to my cell phone so that I can come down here and take care of you. I’m being responsive. I’m here aren’t I? I’m gonna take care of all of this. Youre just trying to make me behave like you want me to behave when I TOLD you I wasn’t going to do that.”

“I’m not desperate you know! I can’t believe myself, I feel almost like I’m running behind you. At first I told myself he’s worth it, but now Im not so sure. I just want you to treat me like I treat you. I want you to be a friend.”

“No you don’t. You want more. Look at you man. You about to cry. Why it gotta be like that? It’s not about whether I’m worth it. It’s about my position and I TOLD you that I am not gonna be that with you.”

He just stands there looking at me. A car pulls up. I dont pay it any attention at first. The driver gets out, looks at us and begins to pull fast food out of the car. Food for two.

Dell looks at him and says, “Man you got a screw driver?”

The guy responds and Dell goes over to him to get it.

The guy looks at me and says, “We know each other.”

My nose is wrinkled at him.

I can see the guy begin to walk away from his car and I stare at him with my eyebrow raised as if he’s the other woman. He walks by and smiles with his fast food and dissappears upstairs. I can just FEEL that he’s going to Dell’s house.

“Is that the guy from the other night?” I ask him, referring to the guy I caught in his apartment.

“Yeah,” he says and fiddles with my car.

“Are you about to spend the day with him?”

“What the FUCK you mean by that?!” he asks harshly.

“Ughhh.. i said ARE YOU ABOUT TO SPEND THE DAY WITH HIM?”

“Oh, I thought you said ‘do I have to spend the day with him’. He works for me. I send him out on jobs. I’m sorry about that,” he says, calming down.

My heart is breaking at this point.

We both stand there looking at the ground.

“I’m not going to be what you want me to be. I can’t give what you want me to give.” he says.

“I just want you to care about me.”

“I do. I just…don’t owe you anything.”

“Well… it’s my fault. You have consistently told me that you don’t want anything more and can’t give more and I’m still sticking around hoping for it anyway.”

We stand still for a few more minutes and then I hand him his clipboard from the roof of my car.

“Thank you for your help. I appreciate it,” i say glumly as I sit behind the wheel. He just walks away.

I drive away, still shaky from my early morning car accident. And I realize that once again, I’ve attached myself to a man who has no intentions on showing me the same car anf affection that I choose to show him. I am not under the belief that it takes months and years to love someone. I believe love is a choice just like all other choices in life. I don’t feel that love is emotional. It’s a decision. I decided that I would treat him with the same care and understanding in which I treat my friends.

I am such a fool. I basically begged him to be with me. I threw myself at this man.. ~laughs~ I am such a trip. Such a trip. So lonely acting. So desperate for love. So desperate to give away my love.

Always begging to be loved and always being pushed away.

I’m not that sad. I’m used to it by now.

But…it would be nice to be touched. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so invisible like I do these days. I feel like I’m a walking time bomb that no one wants to go near.

Even if Dell did turn out to be gay, it wouldn’t change how much I admire him and respect his style. His honesty turns me on.

But I don’t turn him on.

And there’s nothing I can do about that.

I think it’s time to evaluate myself again. Although he possessed so many admirable qualities, he wasn’t giving me the one thing I needed: affection. Was I willing to sacrifice something so important just to be near him? Yes, I’m afraid I was. But it was torture because I need to be rubbed and touched and told that I’m pretty and wonderful.

Why am I considering settling?

Because I don’t really believe that a man will ever give me that so I better take what I can get, even if it hurts sometimes. All love hurts. Well, the love between a man and a woman. It never feels good. It always feels like I’m trying more than they are and I care more than they do.

It has nothing to do with looks.

I read a quote the other day that spoke to my heart after Ruby sent me the audio file to the song ‘Aint Really Love’ by Mary J. Blige.

The quote read: Never make someone your priority, when it is clear you are only their option.

I’ll leave Dell alone now. I need to reshift my focus. Life isn’t all about having someone to hold you. That’s not guaranteed. What is guaranteed is the fact that if I try hard enough, I will be able to use my gift to secure the financial futures of my sons.

Time to shift gears and ask God to kill that stupid desire to have a partner.

Let’s get it!