~sigh~
I feel relaxed now. I just came back from seeing my son who sprained his wrist playing. My Boo Boo has a cast that he is so proud of. Wow. My baby’s got a cast. I never had one, thank God. But I guess there’s only so much danger in sitting in your room daydreaming and reading which is all I did as a kid.
My weekend has been crazy! lemme tell you about this..
So I went to Tamara’s house to see her before she left. Man…I really miss having a friend in town. I know I have people who love me here but…it’s not the same as being with somebody who knows your whole life story and has been around to witness most of it. I find I’m a different person when I’m around her, more care free and fun and just chill. When we went out it was so much fun to just laugh and drink and dance together. We’d make fun of each other when the guy’s were sweating.
“It’s your booty, dawg. If you ain’t have that, you wouldn’t have NOTHING,” I tease her. I even check out guys with I’m with her.
“Dawg, right behind you. Red shirt. Hat to the side. Damn.”
She’ll wait a few seconds and do a casual turn and then turn back to me.
“Oh him. Girl, I saw him as soon as we walked in! He is so fine!” she’ll whisper. We can tell that he and his friends are watching us too.
So we walk outside the club and under the streetlight and all of a sudden a crowd of guys walk out behind us and I looked at Tamara and her little sister and said, “They wanna see what we look like in the light.” Tamara laughed.
All 3 of us stood there and posed and checked out all the guys while they checked us out. Of course we’re all pretending that we no one else is around us. Yeah right. Games.
So we walk back in and all of these guys come back in shortly. Several guys try to talk to Tamara’s little sister and get her to dance with them but she turns them all down. Tamara and I are laughing at her because she sends the poor guys away looking sad. Then all of a sudden the fine guy we were all sweating walks over and steps behind her, whispering in her ear. She immediately starts whining on him. I was like dang…she doesn’t settle for anything but the best. Cuz she believes she deserves it.
In the meantime Tamara and I are standing up and dancing in place a little, enjoying the soca music. This guy is watching me I can tell and finally comes up to me and says hi. His accent is so thick that I barely understand him but when he asks me to dance I say yes. His name is Lil Blue.
So throughout the weekend I’m talking to Deep, Lil Blue and Reagan on the phone. I’m juggling them all and I’m enjoying it quite frankly but conversations with Reagan begin to affect my other relationships…
Reagan is so critical and so overbearing and such an asshole. He knows it too. He says that being that way has got him to where he is and I need to get with the program. He wants to make money with me. He has ideas, I have the skills and the drive and he wants that. Funny how in all of his plans, they were all his ideas to help me.
I’m all for someone wanting to build with me but there’s a better way to present it to me. I am not a lost cause. I am not a dummy. I am going to become who I believe I will become regardless of anyone’s permission or approval. My destiny is not tied to any one man’s efforts or instructions. I welcome instruction and connections but if they are not presented in love…I’m straight.
The reason I broke up with him the first time was because of his mouth. I can not and will not tolerate that kind of aggressive language. I seem to be a magnet for verbally aggressive men. I told you that I’m never attracted to the men who are attracted to me because they all exhibit this kind of “I’m powerful, I’m the conqueror” type of trait. They want to conquer me. Do I look conquerable?
I walk away quickly and I’m done but that shit still affects me. Yes Reagan is paid, yes he is. Got that confirmed from legitimate sources but it seems that his money is built on him abusing people. The way he describes his interactions with people is disgusting. And it hurt me to my heart when he laughed at my dream when I told him that for me being successful is helping connect others with their success.
He laughed at me. No, I’m not dreaming of being a billionaire, I expect it-ofcourse, but I daydream about being able to break chains on hearts and help people heal and recognize their brilliance and power. I guess that may sound a little nutty to people and they can’t understand how much joy I get out of helping others to do what they want to do in life.
He just laughs at me and reminds me that I need to focus on myself and stop worrying about others. I couldn’t take it anymore after a while. The tone he uses confused me because in a way I wanted to hang up in his face and on the other hand I also wanted him to be aggressive more because it turned me on.
I have never been around a man who was so damn bossy. Since I don’t trust him to lead me where I believe I should be, I’m resistant to everything he says and he loves to give instruction. Offering me money, clothes and the whole nine in exchange for doing business with him as a way to support me. I’m intrigued but I think to myself, “What will this cost me?” It can’t be pussy cuz that’s not that hard to get..if I already like you. It has to be something else. But what?
After a few days, I got it. And I walked away. Having those gifts and opportunities come from this man would shackle me to his constant criticisms. He would feel like he owns me. Man…the dream was beautiful but the reality is, I am untameable. I wish someone would come along and break me out of this but it hasn’t happened yet. In a way I believe this is a hinderance to my success. I won’t conform. I don’t feel like I can. I feel like principles are far more important that rewards.
So here I am with all the integrity in the world, eating oatmeal twice a day. Choices. Choices.
But anyway..after hanging up with Reagan and deleting his number from my phone I was all agitated and ready to fight. I called my sister. I called Tamara. I even took a shower and gave gratitude for my life. Nothing worked.
In the midst of all of this Lil Blue from the soca party calls. He’s been trying to get up with me since the night he met me but I’ve kept telling him I’m busy. The day before I told him we’d get together on Monday night but I knew I was in a bad mood and I told him so. He said he’d make me feel better. I bet.
Angry but not wanting to take it out on him, I told him he could come. He drove for an hour down from West Palm Beach to see me. When he pulled up and got out, I was still angry and wound up but when I saw him I was like- damn- he is so fucking fine.
I had forgotten how cute he was to me. Yeah. that’s why I gave him my number when he asked for it, cuz he was that kind of dude who would probably fall in love with me. You can tell who they are. Most women can tell on the spot what kind of dudes like her. For me, it’s the dark skinned muscular dude who have fresh outfits and pretty smiles. They’re not Chris Brown cute but they’re more like Young Buck cute or Big Boi.
We sat outside on the lawn in the dark and talked for a while, then we came inside and watched TV. It was a complete flip in vibration. Whereas Reagan spoke consistently of things I needed to improve in order to be on his level, Lil Blue just sat back and sweated me. The way he looked at me you would have thought I was the biggest porkchop on the platter.
I loved that shit!
“Damn, you sexy..” he muttered while I acted all coy and shit.
“You like that?” I’d ask with a smirk.
“Hell yeah. When I first saw you I stood back and tapped my boy. “I want THAT one.”
I giggled.
“You were looking so beautiful just standing there by yourself. I had to check out the scene and see if you were with a dude or not. Then I went for it.”
His fine ass. All muscled up and shit. All black and shiny and crispy and shit with big full lips like whoa. His pecs sit up in his shirt all hard and shit..Damn…I would’ve wore his young ass out if something happened happened in my spirit…
I felt like…I wanted to see if I liked him before I fooled around with him. You know, just to be on the safe side.
I never think like that. Maybe Tamara is finally getting to me.
He told me how beautiful I am and I melted. He rubbed my back and whispered more compliments. I was in heaven for REAL. Damn…WHat a difference from Reagan— can’t that much be wrong with me or…what do they say, “What you hate, somebody else gonna like!”
We hung out for quite a few hours and then he drove back to West Palm. No, I did not have relations with him. I’m still confused myself. He wants to drive down and see me tonight. I want him too but I don’t know how strong I’ll be two nights in a row. I’m gonna try to hold out until I can recognize if he’s a good person. What looks good ain’t always good.
But it sure is fun to look…