Dear God,
I have this crazy feeling that my life is about to be turned upside down. Today I told my sons that I am taking a trip for a week. When they asked where to, I said, “Atlanta,” and my son said, “Oh no, you’re going to Georgia again.”
I almost teared up as I glanced at him through the rear view mirror.
“No baby. I’m not moving back there. I’m done with that. I’m just going for Tamara’s birthday. Then I’m going to LA to see what it’s like.”
“Well, a week isn’t a long time,” my son announced cheerfully. “But a YEAR is!”
I know what he is referring to. The year I spent hopping from city to city in search of my career. It was a hellish time and also one of adventure…but I felt so guilty for trying so hard and never making it happen consistently.
I’m crying now as I think of the Moms out there who can somehow balance their lives in a way that I have not seemed to be able to.
Me and my big dreams. Me and my inability to conform and just sit there and stick it out like most people in this world. I thought I was doing the right thing when I had them….I gave up on my dreams back then. Why did I ever go back and try again? Nothing has really happened to enable me to achieve the ONE DREAM that I most wish for….the ability to take good care of my sons.
Shit…This hurts like hell.
I want to be a good Mom. I do. I just don’t know how to do that while I am still figuring out how to support myself. That is the ONE area where people go wrong when they have kids young, at least if they are anything like me.
This hurts so much. So much. At times I feel like a failure. I know my destiny is grand. I know my path is paved and waiting yet….to look into their eyes and see them, knowing I hurt them so much when I was away and I still have nothing to show for it…it kills me.
I feel like a fool and unworthy of even being called Mommy.
I had them. I took care of them for so long…Why couldn’t I just…sit my ass down and just…work at an office and shuffle papers and shit?
Fuck.
Being unique and having a different mindset and gifting isn’t…it doesn’t seem to be worth it. I hurt for them and still I know…I have to move on and continue what I began.
This phase of my life is ending and I have no idea where I’m headed next so please watch out for for me…cuz I’m scared and I just…don’t want to hurt my sons anymore.