Extremely Paranoid

I don’t think this is going to make sense, but I’ll try to explain it anyway.

I don’t want to cheat on my sons.

~sigh~ I said it. Still don’t get it? Neither do I. But lemme go on…

Since my first son was born almost five years ago I have not had a relationship with any man but his father. Sometimes I would meet guys and sometimes I would have sex but never did it ever come close to me having a boyfriend or someone regular in my life.

At first I felt like I didn’t deserve to. Shoot, I was chunky, had a kid and since my baby daddy didn’t want me, why would anyone else? Then I woke up and realized, damn, I was still friendly, fun and fine. Men were still very much interested in me. But I made myself stay away, it was safer that way. I refused to have drama around my boys. I didn’t want them to see me dogged out by a man, hurt by a man and importantly, I didn’t want them to feel like I was putting too much effort into being with a man and in turn, ignoring them.

I began to convince myself that the only way to secure respect from my sons was to NEVER have them see me with a man. The whole no dating thing was the perfect distraction. It gave me an excuse not to pursue a relationship with anyone. It provided a safety net in which I hid dutifully. In all the time since my sons were born, they have NEVER seen me with anyone that I have spent time with. No “male friend” has ever even been inside my house at the same time that my sons were there.

Now, for some reason my heart is aching. I don’t know if my reasoning is all wrong but I don’t feel like I should be in a relationship with any man until my sons are a lot older. Until they have their own interests and can handle me giving someone else attention.

I know, I know, I love on my boys a lot. I have all this affection and love that I shower on them and sometimes I question whether or not I’m loving them too much. Like seriously, I tell them I love them maybe 20 times a day. I goo goo at them and call them my kings. I pour out all of my affection and attention on them. I hope they never take it for granted.

Sometimes I will let my mind wander and think about maybe dating someone someday, but then I’ll get this image in my mind. This image of me in my bed with some man and my sons walking in on us. In my fantasy, I freeze and my sons cry and cry and I throw the man out because I feel so bad that I hurt my boys.

Craziness I know. Healthy? I don’t know.

I just want them to know that I will NEVER EVER bring drama into their lives because of a man. Their father and I have already put them through enough. My physical and emotional needs are not as important as their happiness. I don’t want them to be sad. You know, as I write this I’m feeling like I’m doing the same thing I did in my relationship with their father. I’m trying to be their everything and giving up my own needs to ensure their happiness. I hope it doesn’t garner the same result; Their dad hates me.

At the root of it all, I just want to do right by my boys. I want them to respect me and grow up to respect women. I can’t have someone around who will potentially hurt me or them but… I realize that I can’t be paranoid my entire life either.

My friend Mimi said to me, “Not every man is going to dogg you out and molest your boys.” Maybe…Maybe not, but right now, I won’t allow anyone to get close enough for me to find out.