Dry Humpin Kanye on his Keyboard

I find myself fondling my remote control more often lately.

I’m looking at the Viewer Guide Channel. I’m scrolling through entertainment and music just to see if HE might be on. And more often than not, I can sit down smiling as his face and voice invade my reality.

At first I thought he would be just another celebrity crush. I even mentioned to my friends that I wanted to do some freaky stuff to him. But then I realized I was doing it again. For some reason when I admire a man, I want to express my appreciation sexually. It’s as if it’s the most natural feeling for me. Realizing this allowed me to finally find closure about the only secret I was ever afraid to admit aloud.

I still care about my Baby Daddy.

In a romantic way.

I know it’s stupid of me. I know it’s hard to swallow. I wish I could turn my feelings off but I can’t.

I have been searching and praying for answer as to why I would still think about this damn man. ~rolls eyes~ My friends say its because I have not had any other interaction with men since my relationship. Sure I’ve had relations, but no relationships.

But today. Today. I realized that it’s not really HIM that I still love, it’s his accomplishments.

Before I met my Baby Daddy, I dated all kinds of men who were aimlessly wandering without a thought about the future. Ofcourse being the super supportive person that I am, I pushed them to have goals, to think about life and to plan for it. After a while it became draining to have to carry that deadweight…and then I met my Baby Daddy.

He blew me away. He was on a TOTALLy different level than any other man I had ever met.

That nicca was on point even before I met him. Dude even had his TRANSCRIPT tacked on his room door for public viewing. I knew that with or without me, he was going to be very successful. And that was so sexy to me.

He’s the type of man who likes to be in control. In control of himself, his environment and his woman. I was sooo ready to be the follower after years of having to pave the way.

And I did. I followed. And got lost. And I’m trying to find civilization again.

Now when I look at him, I admit I get a little sad. I always imagined us married with kids and a big house with multiple cars and dream vacations. I believe he will still have all of those things, just with someone else.

It doesn’t bother me so much that he’s with Hyper Chick. I think what bothers me the most is the fact that the ONE man who had his shit together totally rejected me. And the truth of it is, I have not met a single man who can even touch him professionally.

I like professional men. Scratch that, I like successful men. LEGALLY SUCCESSFUL men. I like men with multiple degrees and investment portfolios and outstanding resume’s that boast Board of Director positions.

And I have YET to meet one that is tighter than my Baby Daddy.

That shit is very sad. Very sad.

Where are all the tight men at? Or is it really that something is wrong with ME?

I know he treats me like the lowest person on earth which is why I feel like I’m the dumbest woman alive for admitting that I still care about him, but when I ask myself would I still care about him in a romantic way if he didn’t have a JD or a Jag or a Masters in Real Estate— damn… I don’t know.

He isn’t NICE to me. He doesn’t VALUE me. He HATES me and shows it in the most infantile ways yet I find myself fantasizing about being with him. I secretly hope he’ll change but I know he won’t.

He won’t.

I know, I know, but as messed up as this all sounds puh-lease buh-lieve that I am MUCH better than I used to be concerning him.

But strip him of his education and his temporary wealth and what is he? A mean man.

Why would I ever desire that for myself? I know I’m worth more than what he can offer. He’s blind to the prize that he had by his side. I can’t lie I was blind myself for a time.

I don’t love him. I love the American Dream that he stands for. I love the way he was determined and focused and succeeded in spite of. I love his accomplishments. I can’t love him because to love him romantically would mean that I don’t love myself.

Now this is where Mr. West comes in.

Now this mutha sucka, hell yeah, I’m feeling him. Kanye West is the FIRST MAN since my Baby Daddy to give me that ‘damn, this is some new kind of nicca’ feeling.

He’s kinda nerdy. Which I love. He’s so cute though. And he’s so passionate about what he does and he’s so good at it too. I can’t do anything but respect and admire someone who is willing to ignore the tried and true formula of success and make it a WHOLE DIFFERENT way. I get tingles when I hear him speak. I get weak when I see him do that nervous tick (dance move?) that he does. Dude wore a green and black sweater with a PINK shirt underneath and a white collared shirt underneath that. Dude doesn’t CARE! ~sigh~ So damn sexy!

I LOVE a man who doesn’t follow the status quo.

I think I love groundbreakers because deep inside I know that my presence in this world is to do some groundbreaking shit too. I don’t know what it is yet, but when I do, you’ll all know.

I am not afraid to be me. I am not afraid to tell the truth. I am not afraid to take my heart and put it on a velvet pillow for your examination.

I’m not afraid of what you think of me.

I used to be, but not anymore.

So yes, I’ll continue to fantasize about one day meeting up with Kanye and writing some material with him, but no more sexscapades (unless it’s after midnight and I’m still up).

I can admire a man, I can appreciate a man, but that doesn’t mean that I have to BE with that man.