Maybe there’s something to this…
I can’t figure out what just yet. Tonight in class I asked the professor if I could share something with the class and she allowed me a few minutes to speak when class was almost over. I gathered my thoughts and sat on top of my desk so that I could look everyone in the eye. I missed the class where they discussed homosexual and transgendered issues and I felt I needed to share.
Before I could even begin to speak, tears started rolling down my cheek.
“When I was little I thought something was wrong with me because I knew I was attracted to girls…” I began and a lifetime of built up frustration poured out.
I told them about my facebook coming out experiment and the subsequent reaction and I shared how I have secks with lots of men yet I rarely enjoy it. I shared how I have had sexual experiences with women and I don’t really enjoy that either. I shared my confusion with my sexual identity due to the fact that I can not become emotionally intimate with anyone yet I have this attraction for both sexes.
“I’m confused because I think I should know by now what sexual orientation I am. If I can’t become emotionally intimate with a man or a woman then what am I? I should know by now, I have kids. I don’t get it.”
How can I be bi sexual if I’ve never been in love with a woman? Is my sexuality seperate from my ability to love and be loved? I realize now that all of these years I’ve been saying that men only want me for secks. I blamed it on my Stepfather for teaching me that that is what all men want for me and not teaching me that I should expect love before I engage in secks. It wasn’t him. It was me. All I wanted from men was secks as evidenced by the fact that I only have secks with men that I am not emotionally attracted to. I kick their ass out after every session and I never speak to them again. Why? I know what kind of man I want and none of them ever fit the bill so why even sit up there and compromise by trying to hold on to a man who I know is not and will not ever be a man I can admire?
I shared with the class how my bestfriend has flat out told me that she would stop being friends with me if I was a lesbian. It didn’t hurt to hear it at the time because I didn’t consider myself to be one. And loving her the way that I do, I knew her distaste for homosexuality is a seed planted by her Caribean culture that she clings to because it is all that she knows.
After class I tried to bolt out of there because I didn’t want to hear anyone’s reaction but my group project member stopped me and asked me to wait up. As we walked to the parking lot she looked at me and said, “We have more in common than you think, Tee. See, I like women too and I don’t share that fact with many people.”
I looked into the eyes of this Cuban woman who is beautiful and sweet and I was amazed because she’s happily married.
“My husband knows. One day we were discussing sexual fantasies and I told him. He loves me anyway.”
My heart seemed to leap and I cried again.
“There are good men out there who will love you just as you are. My husband knows everything, and so does my sister and my bestfriend. I don’t tell everyone because it’s not everyone’s business. I don’t go around telling people that I give my husband head so why would I need to announce this?”
As we stood out in the parking lot, shivering and pulling our jackets tighter to shield ourselves from the wind another woman joined us, a white woman who openly identifies herself as gay.
“If you ever want to talk,” she said. “I’ll be open to talk to you. I remember always knowing that I had no attraction to men at all but trying to deny that part of myself because my Jewish background taught me that it was a sin and I was disgusted by it. I never really “came out” and told people that I was gay- I just started being gay. I had to stop talking to a lot of people because of it but I found a circle of other gay men and women who accepted me and shared similar stories. That was my support. You have to find that too.”
“You have time to figure it out. The only thing that bothers me,” my Cuban classmate said. “Is the fact that you said that you don’t enjoy secks with either gender. That’s a whole other issue that you should go to a counselor and deal with. I enjoy secks with both and there is pleasure in it. Get some help and work through it.”
I stood there feeling like an alien as they told me about books I should read and movies I should watch like The Kinsey Report which explains that most people aren’t exclusively heterosexual or homosexual. Most people fall somewhere in the middle.
Why are these women telling me all of this? I’m not gay, I just like fat booties on women and I want to touch them sometimes. I’ve never loved a woman although a couple have admitted to being in love with me. I thought that was weird but my personality would not allow me to cast them away for loving who they saw. I’d love me too if I met me.
As the conversation ended all of us hugged and the Jewish woman said, “Look at us, lesbians and bi sexual women all hugging in the parking lot!” We all laughed and I realized, damn, this sexual identity question transcends race. Never would I have thought that I would be hugging a white woman and a Cuban woman at the same time after discussing our attraction to women.
I walked away feeling numb. Why am I going through a “coming out” process when I’m not even gay? I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman, I just want to feel on her booty from time to time and let her go down on me. What am I doing?
But there’s got to be something to being at the point in my life where I’m ready to express myself without fear of being ostracized. I don’t know what this is all about but…I’m willing to wait and see.