Cater To You

Before I can even blog about this weekend I have to come to terms with something.

I’m a bitch.

Yeah. I used to be a bitch way back when, slashing everyone who crossed me with my wicked tongue, cursing, even screaming at them when they made the slightest mistake. Ofcourse this was very hard on my friends because although what I said was the truth, I didn’t have to be so tactless. Even in highschool my friend Anna would say, “It’s not WHAT you say, Tee, it’s HOW you say it. You don’t have to be that harsh.” (I was just repeating how my parents treated me.)

But I changed over the years. I wasn’t so mean. Now that it seems I have come full circle I’m trying to figure out why. I’ve said before that I know that hurting people hurt people and this is the only logic I can come up with.

If you are a man, I feel very sorry for you if you happen to cross my path. I have no tolerance for men right now. None. As soon as you say a word in the wrong tone I’m telling you that I never want to see or speak to you again. And I make no exceptions. And I feel justified by doing that because at least no man will ever take me for granted again. And no man will have a chance to hurt me again.

I think it was back in June when I had a really bad experience with a man. I went out of my way to be nice to him and he totally didn’t appreciate it. In fact I’ll say that night I spent with him was the worst date I have EVER been on. And he had the nerve to try to have sex with me at the end of the evening, talking about, “I can keep a secret. Can you?” Nicca I don’t want to be your secret! ~raises eyebrow~

I vowed from that day, no man will get to see my nice side. No man will get a second chance with me. No man will get me to go out of my way to show kindness. Every man can kiss my ass. All of them. After that night I began announcing to my friends and family that I HATE MEN.

Since then I have cursed out about 2 men a week. No, I’m serious. I still accept advances but the minute they call too late, although I never define what ‘too late’ is, I curse them out and tell them to never call me again. The minute there is a misunderstanding, I tell them that I never want to see them again, please do not call me. And this weekend I actually got a call from my old faithful booty call, at 1am. 1 am. He was actually calling ME for a booty call. I was livid!

You don’t call ME when you want some! I call YOU! I am not at your disposal, you are at mine. I politely told him to take his behind home and I deleted his number from my phone. See, no tolerance.

~sigh~ I’m bitter.

I’m bitter to the point where my back hurts and I feel a stiffness in my neck. And you know what’s REALLY crazy? You won’t believe this. For real, the more I curse them out the more they love me.

Yeah. What kind of crazy men are these? I actually had a man tell me, after I cursed him out, “I want to see how mean you can be and how much I can take.”

Huh?

Being mean like that to men makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel like I have control. It is NOT in my character to be that way, I really wanna be one of those cater to you chicks, but I can’t. No one deserves it. And I’m tired of giving so much of myself and getting shit in return. So I shower all my love and affection on my sons.

I wonder about that too. I really cater to them. A lot. I take joy in bathing them, making food for them, making sure they are comfortable. I am extremely accomodating and I love to see them smile. There are times when I think to myself, “He should be doing this for himself.” But I don’t let him. I’d rather do it. And I don’t know if I’m really hurting him in the long run.

Will my sons expect all women to cater to them like I do? I know that men learn how to treat women from their mothers. Am I already off to a bad start with them because I shower them with love and affection and I adore their every breath?

It’s just…I have so much love inside of me. And I can’t express it to men because they are all assholes, so I just give it all to my boys. That affection that I desire, the kisses, the hugs, the appreciation; I look to my sons for that because no man has or ever will give that to me.

I question my choices as a parent quite often. I know that I do not endanger my children; I have too many strict rules for my life to do that, but it’s the little things I think about. I think about how my relationship with them will affect their character. Most men want women like their mothers, and if they hate their mothers then I believe they become gay. Am I being a good mother to them? Will they have a healthy relationship with a woman who treats them like I do? Or will they turn around and hate me in the future?

And the crazy thing is, because their father disrespects me so much I can’t call him to ask his opinion or get his insight. If I tell him that I need his help with the boys, the first words out of his mouth are, “If you can’t take care of them properly you need to give them to me.” So I don’t tell him anything.

The only people I can turn to for advice are the young single moms I know who are just as clueless as I am. We turn to each other because we have to be each other’s support. And I need that so much.

Like last night I used my $10 weekly lunch allowance to order some wings from Dominoes. When the wings came there was no blue cheese. No blue cheese! HELL NO! I took that shit personally! LOL!

I called and demanded that they bring me some damn blue cheese. You know they didn’t! I was soo hot! I wrote a complaint letter to the Corporate office and reported them for being rude and messing up my order and ruining my evening. LOL! I can laugh about it now, but last night I was so mad. I called my friend Anna at work and she said, “If I was there with you, I’d shove them damn wings down yo throat! You need to calm down. You let everything bother you!”

LMAO! She’s so funny. And she’s right.

I just don’t know how NOT to be uptight. I really want to relax and not curse men out all the time. I really do. But that’s just not where my heart is right now.

~blushing~