Can It Be I’m Falling In Love?

~singing SWV’s hit single WEAK~

I try hard to fight it.
No way can I deny it.
Your love’s so sweet.
Knocks me off my feet.

I didn’t plan for this to happen. I’m trying so hard not to allow it to come through but it is taking over me.

I called Kim to discuss the situation and she said, “Stop fighting God’s gift to you.”

I can’t do anything about it ya’ll. I think I’m falling in love…with Dallas.

I got lost trying to find the half-priced bookstore yesterday. After my usual “fuck this shit I’m tired of getting lost in these damn cities” rant, I calmed down and opened my eyes as I drove down Lovers Lane and then Hillcrest.

Something happened.

I can SEE myself living here.

I don’t want to see that. God NO! Miami is my home. Miami is the hotness! But there’s something about this city that makes me want to stick around.

I don’t know what it is but until I face the fact that I want this move to be a success, I may never know why God brought me here.

When I was in Atlanta, I didn’t “see” myself living there. When I was in Houston I definitely didn’t “see” myself living there. But here, even though I haven’t made any real friends yet, I feel as though something positive is about to overtake me and I feel like I’m becoming a part of something spectacular.

Can it be I’m falling in love?

The fear of failure is telling me that I shouldn’t become attached to this city because I could be thrown out at any moment. But the love of God and the promise over my life is telling me, “This is for you. This is where you will flourish.”

I will stand up to that fear and admit that this city is so cute to me. All of the houses are cute. I’m meeting women who appear to be exactly what I have been praying for. In fact, the women that I am meeting are women who remind me of my friends.

This one chick that I met at the Easter dinner that Mac took me to, man…we just clicked. She’s a newly married Black woman who loves God and loves her husband so much. She has integrity and our ideals about life match up. She’s not some silly chick who is crying over lack of love or material possessions in her life. She loves and supports her husband’s goals and I encourage her to continue doing that. She doesn’t seem to be searching for something that she can’t quite identify. She’s my age but she’s at peace about where she is although she is still waiting for God to deliver on a few prayers.

We feed each other blessings whenever we can. I feel comfortable when I talk to her. I love hearing her talk about her marriage. I love the fact that instead of saying, “Let’s go to the club,” we make plans to go to lunch and then do a little shopping.

THAT is the life I envision for myself. I want to have lunch dates with fabulously beautiful and smart women and then go out and buy trinkets to go home and model for our ridiculously lucky men.

Why am I meeting so many married Black women in this city? They are so proud of their rings and their families.

Why am I loving this job so much? I can see myself being a part of their vision and helping them to grow it. I can SEE how my expertise and love for their vision can help MY vision come to pass.

At work I told my co-workers, “If this doesn’t work out, I am NOT afraid to pack up and leave. If I am not appreciated here, I will pack my shit and move!”

When I told them, “If I don’t find a good barber here, I’m LEAVING!” they came to me with phone numbers of barbers they trust.

When I told them, “If this city doesn’t have luxurious houses like they have in Miami, I’M LEAVING cuz I am going to live a very luxurious life!” they took me on a lunchtime tour of some of the most breathtaking houses I have ever seen.

It’s like they are trying to hold on to me. No one has ever tried to hold on to me before.

Oh man…it’s so hard to admit that you love something when all of your past efforts at giving love have been unappreciated. But I can’t focus on the past. I’m in the present. And my gift to God for my “present” will be to embrace the love I have in my heart at this moment.

I don’t know Dallas. It’s only been a few weeks but you are growing on me.

Remember on Family Matters Urkel used to say, “I’m wearing you dowwwnnn, baby. I’m wearing you dowwwwnnn!”

I don’t want to fall in love and have this all taken away.

But NO! I won’t focus on that.

I have to give love a chance. I have to see what will happen if I let go of my fear and give all of my love.

~sigh~

I decorated my desk at work.

I NEVER do that because I am always afraid that I will get fired and have to pack up my stuff and leave. But this time I’m not afraid. This position is a gift from God to me and when or if I move, it will be into a bigger office or into my own home because I work for myself.

No one will ever fire me again.

I will succeed in everything I put my hands to.

Could this be the place where I make my home?

Will I actually change my drivers license from Florida to Texas?

~shakes head~

I will embrace that possibility.

If this is where God wants me to be…I’ll stay.

I will take a chance…

I will admit it, as much as it hurts, man…I think I’m falling in love.