Breaking Loose

And I’m not even saying that because I talk about choosing POSITIVE thoughts over negative ones. I’m talking about EVERY belief that we hold. Its all a choice. And I don’t really like the whole fear based tactic that religions use to get ppl to fall in line. To me that is akin to mental slavery. Maybe all religions were created to control people’s minds.

But the hardest part is finding people to discuss these kinds of ideas with. Most everyone I know is Christian and would absolutely DIE if I tried to have a convo like this. They’d feel sad for me and pray for my soul and stuff. I mean, I don’t mind them praying but its the judgement that if I don’t agree with them then I’m wrong and crazy that I don’t agree with. Can I choose my own beliefs like you did?

~shrugs~

I think that’s one of the main reasons I still miss DEEP. As far as religion goes we were very much on the same page about it. Now that I no longer speak to him, I feel so alone. I want to tal, discuss and be informed but all anyone can say is, “I Believe in Jesus!” as though it is a definitive answer to any religious question.

Religion is good because it helps you to focus your mental power and it builds your faith. You can call it whatever you want to, as long as you know how to direct that mental energy toward a good life BELIEVING you can receive, then I think it’s a good thing. But it wasn’t a good thing for me. I always felt guilty and like every little thing I did was being tallied up and critiqued.

I never felt like I was good enough for God. And that’s because I was taught that from the day I was born, something was wrong with me. (You are a sinner.) So every day after that I was striving to be “better” and follow the rules written in this book a jillion years ago.

I still never felt good enough. After I studied different beliefs I pulled the veil from over my eyes and I asked myself, “If I wasn’t born into this culture in this time period, would I still believe in Jesus?” Certain beliefs are cultural and so are certain religions. What if I had been born in Pakistan? Would Christianity still be the ONLY choice for me?

I understand that when you have a belief indoctrinated in you since childhood that it is tough to pull away, even if that belief makes you feel bad about who you are. Imagine the gay & lesbian community trying to fit into Christianity when the Bible clearly states, you are hell bound if you live that lifestyle.

I don’t want to be a part of something that damns people to hell. I feel sad when I think about it. My friends say I feel sad about a lot of stuff and yes, I do. I feel sad when people judge each other and mistreat each other. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Today I was like, “Man, am I an atheist?”

So I looked up what an atheist is and it said that an atheist doesn’t believe in deities or “Gods” in the sky who control or create things or events. Nah…I don’t think I believe in that idea of a God in the sky who is watching me and pushing me every which way. But these beliefs are new to me and I really want to discuss but I have no one to talk to.

I tried to text message Tamara but she replied with, “I don’t even want to talk about this with you right now.”

That upset me. If I had sent her a text that said I had secks last night or I met a guy or I got a new job, I think she woulda been excited to listen. She says I change my mind too much and I reminded her that I don’t change my mind about my spiritual beliefs, I like to call it a transition.

And ever since I went to Houston and I read that book, The Game Of LIfe, things have just been going in a totally different direction for me. Sometimes I still talk to “God” like a friend but then sometimes I feel silly when I do that because I’ve learned about deliberate creation and how our focus is what changes and affects things, not some idea in the sky.

I’m not confused. I know which beliefs make me feel better about my existence and when I realize (or create) them, I share them with everyone. For the most part, even those who are Christians agree with these creations of mine and apply them to their lives. They don’t contradict with the true message of Christianity.

~sigh~

I don’t know. Walking a spiritual path is not easy, especially one like mine because there’s no one to turn to to validate my beliefs. At the same time, I don’t need validation. I don’t need a man standing with a “symbol” like a white collar or a cross around his neck to tell me I’m doing the right thing.

I don’t know. I feel alone in my beliefs. But..its okay. I’ve always been an opinion leader anyway. Opinion leaders often have DIFFERENT opinions, that’s why they become leaders. The people who believe the status quo ideals just follow the masses, hoping they are following the right people.

Anyway…Kim is in town and she said she’s coming over to see me. If all goes well, we’re gonna have some laffs, I’m gonna rub her pregnant belly and we’re gonna cry a little over how much we have changed and how much we love each other.

I know for a fact that when I explain to her that I don’t think I believe in the “God” concept like most people do…I know she won’t wrinkle her nose and tell me I’m going to hell.

I appreciate her for loving me even though we disagree. Who knows who has it right? No one does, really.

I just…don’t want to be a sinner saved by grace. Christianity created the mentality that you are born with something wrong with you and you need help. That’s why so many people hate themselves.

I don’t want to be a part of that…anymore.

But I know most of my friends will be sad. I just wish I could have found that peace of mind through religion but I didn’t. So I tried something else…

Is that wrong?

I’m not really trying to convince you. I’m really trying to figure it all out for myself.

What do I want to believe?