Big RISKS & Big PAYOFFS

Ahhh…

I just got back from a great event. It was a panel discussion on the role of hip hop in the media. I drove down to the South Side and finally found the event and when I went in I met so many people. One woman that I introduced myself to, smiled and shook my hand confidently.

“I know you. You worked with the website. You contacted me before.”

Then I remembered. I ran across this article by a young lady and I was impressed. As I began to cultivate a team of music writers I reached out to her and invited her to apply to join my team. I know nothing about music but I am a strong visionary and the writers I gathered were fierce! I knew that with my direction, the new music page I had to develop would be the best feature the site had to offer (that is..until I had time to develop more sections. ~wink~)

We had our discussion which included people from the entertainment industry, music columnists and even a Pastor. Afterwards a group of people invited me to go hang out at this spot called Brooklyn’s on Lamar Street. Brooklyn’s was so sweet. They had a live band and all of the food smelled so nice. We sat and we chatted, exchanged business cards and I actually had a great time.

As I drove away to find my way home, I got lost going through downtown. It was my first time driving through downtown Dallas. Instinctively my eyes were glued to the street names, trying to capture polaroids of them for later use. My eyes are now trained to notice landmarks and cross streets. As I stared at these tall buildings for the first time I felt like someone had clutched my heart and squeezed it. The pain intensified until tears came to my eyes as flashbacks of me being lost in downtown Atlanta and then downtown Houston and now downtown Dallas came rushing back to me.

I’m so tired of busting up in new cities and feeling my way around. Now I see why relocating is such a big deal, it’s a strain on the heart and the brain. I cried and cried as I made my way back to 75North.

“Lord, I can’t take this. It’s deja vu all over again. Will I ever find a home? Will I ever be somewhere that I can call HOME? I want to be with my family. I want to be with my boys.”

Lord knows I give excellence in every work environment, but still things never work out. When I visited TD Jakes church he preached about being pushed out of situations and how we should rejoice because God is repositioning us to prosper. I try to remember his sermon whenever I’m feeling down. Cuz God knows that I would have tried to stay in the Dallas hostel but I just couldn’t after the manager screamed at me. Another aggressive communicator. I was pushed out. Now I have my own place, a stable roof over my head. The rent is due shortly. You don’t even want to know how much money I have to my name but my faith in God is abundant.

My friend Susie called me last night. She sure called with a Reima word. She encouraged me to stop believing God for the ram in the bush; that last minute shower of a blessing just to make ends meet. “God is a God of abundance,” she told me. “Your prayer should be that you will always have more than enough. Change your mindset. Change your prayers. Call on your Father and expect Him to come through. There will be no more paying bills and that’s it.”

So we prayed and I asked God to increase my territory. I know that He is preparing me for greatness. My vision is to be successful in ALL mediums of communication and look at my resume, it is all lining up. The best thing about having all of this short term experience is that fact that I learned so much at every place I’ve been and I list every director or publisher as a reference. I don’t mind if a potential employer calls to check up on my past work ethic because there is nothing negative to be said. I am a true student when I am in the workplace, I pay attention to everything. I even scrutinize the leaders that I am working under to take note of how they make decisions and how they manage me.

I’ll never forget that speech The Prez gave when I first met him because it really challenged me. He told us that having a dream of being an entrepreneur is so much more than just starting a business. You have to develop the skillset to manage a bunch of different personalities, and learn laws and things you probably never had any interest in.

That’s me all day! I have organized an HR department. I have written grant applications. I have been a secretary and a receptionist and had to manage databases of all kinds. I’ve managed PEOPLE and I have extensive marketing experience but you can’t GET ME to look a spreadsheet with numbers on it. I have no clue where to begin. I’m still not ready.

I guess through all of this LIVING LIFE, I just need a little more time to find my perfect fit. I wonder where I will be next. I wonder what the next opportunity will be like. I wonder where God is leading me now and through it all I have perfect peace. I have peace with my decisions although the direction my life is taking makes no sense to anyone.

I think about Kanye and so many other success stories that I have read. They all follow the same pattern; they make a faith move, believing that the gift they have to give is great enough to be noticed. BIG RISKS produce BIG PAYOFFS.

I’m kinda nervous about tomorrow night. I wonder who I’ll meet at the Open Mic night. To be honest I’ve never performed any of my poetry in front of a live audience before. Do you know how much GUTS it takes to stand in front of a crowd of strangers and give the best of you hoping that they will appreciate it? I always give props to those who at least TRY and tomorrow night, I’ll try my best.

I’ll let you know what happens.