Back In The Day…

Last night I took some time and went through my archives.. Ooh Lord!

I have really changed.

I used to be so focused on God and God’s will for my life. I was so worried about what my old Pastor thought about me. I was worried about why I couldn’t find any of the women at my old church appealing and I worried about what life was going to be like since I had just finished college.

I worried a lot. I wrote a lot. But I always encouraged myself in Christ. Even now those words I wrote more than a year ago uplift me. They reminded me to rest assured that my path is all layed out. Those words reminded me that I was fortunate enough to be chosen by God and my heart is to please Him.

Now, I am totally focused on finding financial security and happiness in the work place. Which I must say, wow, I have that. So what’s next? Oh yeah, I will probably start stressing over my novel and how BIG this project is and how it doesn’t seem like it will ever be done. But I look at the library and I see that so many others have done it and I KNOW I can do it too. No one is better than me. The people who are successful are the ones who are dedicated.

Even though I’m in Miami and I’m partying hard and I’m having fun at the heart of things I still love God. I still desire to please Him and to use my gifts for His glory. Yeah, I want to make some money doing it too, I ain’t even gonna lie.

Back then I was dealing with my children’s father from a distance. The hurt was slowly dissipating. Now, he just informed me that he is moving down here to South Florida. Only a county away from me now. At first I was excited- Maybe now I’ll get more of a break if he decides to take his children more often. And then reality hit me- If you think it’s bad now, it’ll only get worse. With him being so close to you, you’ll get even more insults, more criticism, more attacks, on a regular basis. Ughhh…great. ~shakes head~

Will I be strong enough to endure? Yesterday I was already trying to figure out how I am going to handle all this. I mean, he has reported me to the Child Abuse authorities claiming I neglect my children, he has filed for custody of them saying I refuse to work and have been quitting jobs without regard to their welfare. He even said that MY MOTHER is the one who has physical custody of my children, and has had custody of them since September 2003. Hmm, I think in September 2003 I was just starting my last semester of college. How could my mother have had custody of them when we were in Gainesville? He really wrote this in his motion for custody (or whatever) I don’t understnd all this legal stuff. I can’t afford an attorney and I can’t find one to help me for free and I don’t know what to do especially since he has told me more than once and IN WRITING, that I need to be prepared for war.

Yeah, I’m under attack. And the enemy is moving closer to me in just one short month.

I never want this blog to turn into a venting ground for my frustration with my baby daddy. But this is what is going on in my life right now. The investigators from the Child Welfare place are calling me all the time, I have legal paperwork with all kind of mumbo jumbo that I don’t understand coming at me in the mail.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all my punishment for having sex before I was married. Is this my punishment for living outside of God’s will for so long? But I didn’t know! I didn’t know about God. No one ever told me. I never knew anyone who was saved. As soon as I heard the good news I tried my best to be right. I tried to straighten up. Doesn’t that count for anything?

But then maybe these trials are all material for a miracle. Yeah, in fact, the God I KNOW, won’t have me face these lions unless He knew I could handle it. I don’t feel like I can. I cried in the car yesterday at the weight bearing down on me and cried to God asking Him, Why? Why? Why does this man hate me so much? He has a girl already? They’ve been together for years. Surely he can see the smiles on the faces of his sons. Surely he can see what a beautiful home I’ve made for them. Can’t he cut me a break and stop with all the put downs. ~sigh~

Damn. I go from my parents house where I was called worthless and told I wasn’t shit – I go straight to this man who is saying the same thing. And you wonder why those words will never come out of my mouth. You wonder why my plan is to encourage everyone around me. I will NEVER be a person who tears someone else down. I don’t give a damn if you’re messing up big time. I will speak the truth to you, but I will speak it in love and you will recognize the love behind my words. I won’t kick you while you’re down.

But like I have to tell my friends when they are frustrated over how someone is treating them: You can’t expect people to treat you like you would treat them. They are not in your heart. They are not you. They are just being themselves and you either have to accept it or move on. But I guess in my case, I can’t move on, I just have to accept it and learn to deal with it.