Just Wanna Do The Right Thing

I feel like I’m floating on a cloud to heaven. I can not believe the amount of wonderful things that are happening to me and I have not even arrived in Houston yet. This trip is truly blessed and I have made a decision not fo defile it for my own personal pleasure. Whatever that means.

Honestly I’m scared I’m going to fuck this up. So I seem to be even more on edge about everything. I want to define my parameters early so that I don’t go into this being so open to influence. I’m not dating any of these dudes. Not right away. I don’t even know how they roll so I have to get a feel for them first. I know I will socialize more than usual and that means meeting more men but I don’t have to receive intimacy from any of them. I’m not searching for that intimate partner anymore or that emotionally intimate partner. So with men I can keep it light and free, pleasantly business-like. I hope that works.

I seem to put out a certain type of energy that translates sexually. JB told me that even when I’m being a bitch to men the energy I expel is still kinda demanding/sensual/alluring- I don’t remember what he said. Shit…I need to kill that because I want to be respected and not be eye candy/make their dicks hard. I need to play this the right way because everything that I hope for is on the line.

This is hard because I don’t have anyone that I can look to as a personal example. But I hope I figure it all out because I promise to share what I learn about pursuing my dreams and fucking up along the way but never giving up regardless of anything- I’ll share that with you.

I drove to Baton Rouge last night and had dinner with Serenity23 at her home. I met her son Tyler and we played together and I tickled him. He has such a great energy. Why is that I felt so comfortable in her home yet we are only internet blogger buddies? Words can link hearts, I guess.

We made it a slumber party and I left early the next morning back to Hammond to Ruby’s house to prepare for her football party for the GATOR game tonight BITCHES!

Lord, help me to do the right thing at all times.

Little Town Lessons

Here I am face to face with yet another couple. LOL! I’m sorry. I am ALWAYS the extra friend. LOL! Man, it’s so funny to me. I can’t believe it! I’m crazy…

Anyway, so when I’m around a couple I love to observe the dynamic of their relationship and see what kind of exchange works for them and if I’m lucky I will ask them what kinds of exchanges have they had in the form of compromise for the sake of the relationship. Who gave up what?

I’m interested to know. Watching Ruby and Donald is funny because they have a homeboy relationship. Like two dudes. Ruby is feminine all day so don’t even go there, but she loves to watch stuff like football, she’s into video games, I can’t even believe that shit and she likes action movies ~frown~.

They seem to be bestfriends. It’s funny because he’s younger than she is. They are so funny together. Donald and I will both chill on the couch, each with our own laptop open. I’m reading or writing and Donald is on youtube looking at girl fights.

Ruby stands up and throws him a disgusted look, “Bitch you need to get a hobby…”

“I do,” Donald comments. “I like to watch hoes fight.”

Donald’s friends come over and I’m sitting their sizing them up. Yum. Yum. Pretty boys. Nice smiles. Great personalities.

“How old are you?”

“22.”

BINGO!

I laugh to myself.

No devil no. I won’t touch it.

I call up JB and tell him about the situation I’m in. “JB, there are a group of men here and all of them are 20, 21, 23.”

“You must be in heaven.”

“I’m gonna leave them alone.”

I don’t want that anymore. I mean. I don’t want that kind of physical intimacy right now. I feel satisfied in that area for some reason.

As I look around this small town it’s funny because I want to turn my nose up at it but I can’t. Although these people seem to be going so slow or not moving at all, maybe their lives are just fine where they are and they don’t have to be constantly on the run to something better. Maybe they are…satisfied.

And satisfaction is better than constantly climbing because if you never reach a plateau and relax, you’ll never fully reap the rewards of your hard work.

Child please. I don’t know. I’m just throwing out the energy that I’m feelin right now. Reflecting on what’s around me I guess. But when I get back to reality…Shit..Oh.. Calm down..

Ok. I’m aiight.

Yeah…
I am fucking crazy.

Let’s Get It!

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Did you catch that Gator game?

Damn…

I did.

It was magnificient.

National Muthafuckin Champions in football AND basketball round this bitch.

Gainesville breeds winners.

Tomorrow Ruby and I head out to Houston, both of us seeing it for the first time. We’ve mapped out a plan of action and we hope that at least one option works. Thank God for my friend who wouldn’t let me go through this alone. She’ll fly out once I’m settled.

We’re sitting here on the eve of my departure and Ruby and I have already shared a bottle of wine. Donald is in my ear saying, “You ain’t loose, nigga, You ain’t loose.”

They are both so crazy. I’m thankful to have friends like them in my life. At first I was apprehensive about their age difference and places in life, I can see how they balance each other, each inspiring other to want more and strive for more. I think they’ll be alright if they both keep moving forward. If one slows down, then the other will either conform or break away.

I spoke to my sons tonight. My Boo Boo was telling me that he didn’t eat any dinner because his Daddy didn’t make sandwhiches for him.

“What did your daddy make for dinner?”

“Real food.”

“And why didn’t you eat it?”

“Because I wanted sandwhiches and he wouldn’t give them to me. He…He… He only took us to Burger King ONE TIME, Mama. One, time. He never take us to McDonald’s. Just one time, Mama.”

“Well baby, you know how your Daddy goes and cooks food for you every night? That’s a GOOd thing baby. That’s good eating. All that other stuff is a treat. Once in a while. Every so often, baby.”

“Well he don’t take us there.”

“Well maybe if you start eating what he makes for you then he will reward your OBEDIENCE by taking you to get a treat.”

“I’m obedient all day, at home.”

“Okay I want you to be obedient at school too, ok?”

“Ok, Mama.”

“Do You want to talk to my Daddy?”

“Um,,,Naw.,, Just tell him that I said Have a good night,”

“I told him Mama.”

“Good. I love you baby.”

“I love you too Mama.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Mama.”

**************

Tomorrow I ride.

I rise.

I fly.

I aim high

In spite of

Insight or

Concrete

Cuz

I don’t need

Concrete

To

Fly

____________________
Share My World In Houston

~coming soon~

Prayers welcome.

Hello Houston

It’s midday when Ruby and I hop into my car armed only with a Lonely Planets travel guide and a quarter ounce.

We had a plan. I had two tentative appointments, one for the job I had lined up and one for a place to live. It felt like a monstrous weight on my shoulders but I kept reminding myself that all I can do, is be myself and do my best.

No one can convince me that I was in my car for five hours. It felt more like two! Ruby and I had a great time on the road together.

It was almost five when we saw the signs that read: Houston 70 Miles. As the number counted down I expected to feel butterflies or something but I just felt…peace. As we drive up I10 we can see the skyline from the distance.

“Get ready friend. Here we go!” Ruby announces and motions toward her camera. It’s just after sunset and the skyline is lit up as we enter the city. I roll down my window and position my arm on the glass in order to get a good picture as we pass by on the expressway.

Ruby’s screaming at me, “Girl, don’t drop my camera. Put the strap on your arm! Put the strap on your arm!”

I think I got a few good shots but I can’t tell. One more glance out of the window and my eyes are captivated. What a beautiful city!

We see more chinese places than we’ve ever seen in our lives. And more Mexican restaurants too. There were these big Fiesta gricery stores and there was so much damn traffic! It was crazy as we headed downtown toward the Museum District.

I came into Houston with a little more than $50 cash but God surely must have set me up with the right friend because Ruby had done her research and found us an inexpensive place to stay; a hostel.

I called and reserved our space before we got there and it wasn’t difficult to find with our mapquest directions. It was located in the Museum District. We couldn’t help but smile with satisfaction as we drove through the neighborhood. What a nice area! We laughed as we pulled up to the old rickety house on the corner.

“Dawg,” Ruby assured me. “If it’s unnacceptable then we’ll just get a hotel.” But I knew we didn’t have money for that. I’d rather just grin and bear it, whatever happens.

I stepped into a pile of mud as soon as I stepped out of the car, completely ruining my nice pearl white Air Force Ones. I rolled my eyes and strolled up to the porch. We walked up to the front desk and were greeted by the front desk clerk, a man with a sly smile.

Ruby paid for our space; a steal at $14.50 a night per person. We were given a key to the house and a short tour which included the common areas like the living room, the kitchen, the computer room, TV room and the upstairs dorm where we were assigned to room C.

We walked timidly upstairs, our eyes wide in anticipation of this adventure. Door C was on the right, we paused before opening the door and then turned the knob slowly. We found a room very similar to the ones we lived in college. There were 4 sets of bunkbeds. We grabbed one set and put our name tags on the railings.

We smiled at each other. Our minds communicating what our hearts were eminating; damn this is nice! Both me and my girl were in full “let’s have an adventure” mode so we saw every opportunity as a chance to do some crazy shit just to say we have done it or seen it. Ruby is a true tourist. She will whip out that damn Lonely Planets book while she’s driving if she has to. She’s great with maps and organizing and all that shit and I just sat back and allowed her to control the trip. She drove. She picked the places to go. I was in pure heaven.

It seems like I am always the person in control. Or maybe I set it up that way. But with this, I knew Ruby had it down and I am so glad she volunteered to come with me. I didn’t even ask her. She loves me that much!

So we rest at the hostel for a minute and call our loved ones. My phone isn’t working so Ruby and I are sharing her phone, or rather I took over her phone because everyone was freaking out worrying about me. Except my Mama. She said, “I never worry about you because I know your friends are going to take care of your crazy behind.”

When I told her that I was staying at a hostel she said, “A hostel? Like the movie?”

“There’s a movie?”

“Girl! you betta put a chair under the door when you go to sleep! I can’t believe you girl! Watch your back!”

I laugh and look around at the cozy room, clean floors and unique wall art. I felt like I was in another world.

“I’ll be alrght Mama.” We hang up.

Ruby looks at me with a mischievous grin. “Call your people dawg. Let’s go out!”

“Hell yeah!”

I pick up my phone and call the only person I know in the city. He’s actually affiliated with young CEO. He doesn’t answer so we head over look up Dave & Busters on the internet and we head over there for dinner. I had never been because I really don’t like games and stuff like that but I was in it for the experience. We sat down in the game room at the bar and I ordered chicken fingers but they called it something else. When our food came we were astonished at the portion on our plates.

My plate was so huge. You know how you would get four chicken fingers in a usual meal at a restaurant? I had EIGHT chicken fingers. I was like, “Damn! Who’s supposed to eat all that?” I tried my best though because they were good and I was hungry.

Then we got the call from my contact. “I’m over here at Sky Bar. Here are the directions..” he says.

We head over.

We read all the street names as we go by. Let’s see how many I can remember overall? I remember Montrose. Flannin. Crawford. I10, 288, 610. Bissonet, LeBranch, Prospect, Rice Blvd, Richmond Avenue, Southmore, Beechnut, KTY FWY, West Main.

Ya’ll the streets here are contemporary. At intersections there were these markers that hung in a circle in the middle of the street. The architecture in the Museum District was simply amazing. Ruby thinks people in Texas don’t know how to do anything but SPEED. Ruby did the driving, and I just held on for dear life as we navigated the city going to and from appointments and trying to get a grip on the layout of the city.

We found the contact in the parking lot at Kroger and he pointed us toward a building. “Go over there until and go up the elevator to the 10th floor. It’s free for ladies all night long.”

We thank him and stroll on. We’re not too jazzy. In fact, we’re both still wearing what we had on while traveling. I’m wearing my signature purple sweater. I love that sweater even though it makes me feel like a linebacker because my arms are so big. But I still wear it anyway because that color looks good on me.

I’m crazy…

So we go up to the building and through the glass doors and there’s a line to get on the elevator. So you KNOW me and Ruby are sizing everyone up, looking at what they have on, how they are strutting and what’s the local fashion.

The place was beautiful. The tables were nicely decorated and you could tell it was a kinda older, sophisticated crowd.. The best thing was the view. It was a magnificent view of the city. All lit up and shiny, it seemed so inviting.

By the time we go inside there’s no place for us to sit so we stand near the bar in front of the stage so we can see the live entertainment. What Ruby remembers most is the “oversized women”. She says she kept seeing women that were extremely statuesteue. Ruby, at 5’5″ says she felt very small next to the gaggle of women who were over 6 feet tall.

The crowd was mixed age wise. Some young women were there and some older couples and younger men too. Everyone looked as though they were out to have a good time and even the women smiled at you if you caught their eye. That was friendly.

I didn’t drink because I wasn’t trying to get loose on my first night out. I just watched how the people interacted. The vibe I got from men and women was neutral. I couldn’t tell if they could tell we were new.

Ruby says all the men there think they are a pimp or a hustler or a bitzniss man. She thinks Florida is too real for the rest of the South. “Because in Florida if you own it you own it, if you don’t you don’t. They don’t fake like they have things they don’t. “

Ruby’s being entertained by some drunk guy at the bar and I slip downstairs because I’m a little warm as the crowd in the Sky Bar gets thicker and thicker. I post up by the door to watch everyone as they come in. I’m on the phone with JB and I’m describing what the women look like and what the men are wearing.

“There are a lot of thick women here,” I tell him.

“Hell yeah.. That’s why the boys at the magazine used to fight over being assigned to go to Houston. Those women…mmm, they are a little thicker but it’s not a big deal to them. They wear their weight almost with pride. We like that.”

I was looking closely to find the downlow men. I looked really hard but I didn’t see any that would make me blink. But I didn’t see any that would make me want to meet him either.

The music was the best part. One set was belted by a white man who sounded just like a black man and he turned the place out. The bartenders were excellent. She kept the wine glasses full. Ruby had three glasses of the house chardonnay and was feeling lovely.

We both left in a hurry to explore our way back to the hostel.

When we got there our roommates had returned. They were three young asian woman with laptops downloading pictures. We exchanged hellos and smiles as Ruby and I settled into our bedtime routines and then into our bunks.

“Dawg,” she whispered from the top bunk.

“Huh?” I whispered back.

“We’re in a HOSTEL!”

“I know dawg! This is tight!” I squeal. “Good looking out.”

“It’s the BOOK. Ya’ll be laughing at me but we’re going to have a good trip thanks to Lonely Planets.”

“I’m sure we will dawg. Shut up and go to sleep world traveler.”

Open Doors

I wake up early the next morning after a sound sleep. Whatever my Mama was expecting to happen didn’t happen and I was grateful. I wasn’t the first one up though. Ruby and I were the last ones in the room, besides the young white girl on the top bunk to the left. I’m tugging on Ruby so we can get an early start and she’s trying to ignore me.

We finally get dressed and head out in search of the Breakfast Klub. We get all mixed up and decide to stop at the nearest IHOP to eat and decide what our next move will be.

It’s an extremely nice IHOP. We are soon seated and we enjoy a good breakfast. After we are eating Ruby nudges me. She touches her hear indicating that I should listen. I’m still lost and she whispers. “The guy behind you is in real estate go talk to him.”

“Oh, Ok.”

I immediately stand up and step out of the booth, before I can say a word he says, “I like that hat.”

I pull it off and turn toward him. “What about the haircut?” I laugh.

“It’s cute.”

“Now that that’s out of the way. May I have a moment of your time?”

“Sure. Have a seat.”

“Well, I’m in town and I’m looking for a place to stay. I was wondering if you had any properties, shared or not, that I could look at.”

“So you’re saying you need a place to stay?”

“Yes.”

“How much money do you have?”

I look him in the eye. “None.”

Which is the damn truth.

“Not even for food?” he asks.

“Nope,” I say. Which is the truth.

“You need a one bedroom or two?”

“One is fine.” I tell him and giggle.

“Ok, God is good. I see why He sent me here today. I have an appointment at 11:30 and I can meet you here at noon and I will take you to your place.”

“Meet you here?”

“Right here,” he says and pulls out a wad of money as he pays for his coffee.

He leaves and Ruby and I gather our things and get into my car. We drive around until we pass the stadium at Rice University and we just had to pull over and look at the stadium. We walked the huge track and talked about whatever.

Then we got into my car and went to get it washed. If this guy could be a blessing then we want to be sure to present ourselves in a certain light.

We met back up with him at the IHOP. He called before we could even get out of the car. “We’re right outside. We’ll be right in.”

He leads us to a table in the front and he says, “Tell me.” He’s a middle aged black man who looks like Samuel L. Jackson from Formula 51.

Could this man be legit?

“Well, I’m a journalist from Miami and I’m in town to make all of my dreams come true. I’m here with my friend on a hope and a prayer that I can start my own business.”

He looks at me and nods. Ruby sits silently with a pleasant expression on her face. When I pause in my introduction she interjects, “Sir, all we’re trying to do is get her settled into a decent place for a reasonable price. Right now we are limited on funds but we’re hoping to turn up on something great. We can barter. I have excellent marketing skills. She’s a writer. She could also produce some things for you.”

“No problem,” he says and motions for us to stand. “I have just the place for you. Follow me. We’ll go see it.”

Ruby and I stand up and go to our car. She had overheard him say that he was about to pick up a $100,000 Mercedes at the dealership and she relayed the information to me. When we pulled out, looking for his car we gasped at the site of a busted 1989 Acura Integra. That bitch was rusty gold. The rims were mismatched.

“Lord forgive me,” Ruby declared as we followed him through several neighborhoods. “I don’t mean to judge this man by his vehicle. He could be a blessing in disguise. Please show us if this is from you. We need a miracle and we know you can provide it.”

“In Jesus name,” I say.

“Amen,” Ruby finishes up.

“Ok, we’re covered, now look at this city!”

We’re following him through neighborhood after neighborhood and we’re enjoying the scenery. It’s funny how diverse the neighborhoods are even traveling down one street. We saw beautiful condos and apartments, then we’d see nice homes and development, then we saw a man getting pat down on the corner of a park. It’s a big city but the streets are so rushed that you can’t find people relaxing. He stops at a house and we look around. OK. Neighborhood is not so bad.

He walks over to the driver side window where Ruby is sitting.

“I’ll be right back. I have to check on something.”

Ruby says she saw him check his mail and move the garbage can.

He gets back in his car and we follow him again, across the interstate and on and on.

Could this be God?

We finally make a left turn into…a motel.

Ruby and I look at each other and then at him as he steps out of his car. He walks over to my window and I roll it down.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“I’m wondering what we are doing here?”

“This is where you’re going to stay,” he says firmly.

I look at him and raise my eyebrow.

“Come take a look at it,” he tells me.

He walks away from my window and Ruby says, “We’ll check it out and see what it’s like. If it’s wack, we’ll dip out.”

He gets the key and we park and he turns to me, “Why don’t you get all of your stuff out?”

Huh?

“What do you mean?”

“This is where you are going to live!”

“But I don’t feel like getting my stuff out,” I say firmly. “Let’s see the place.”

We walk up the stairs and into a corner room. I give Ruby a look. She looks away.

Play it cool.

We walk in and he leaves the door open. Ruby and I sit down on the bed. The bed is covered with this disgusting floral spreadsheet and it is hard as a board. The room is obviously a smoking room and it’s coated with a think layer of dust. The tape player is broken. The ceiling is light blue and painted with white clouds.

The man sits in the chair next to the bed and proceeds to talk. I listen for a while and then ask him some questions.

“Why are we here?”

“Because the place I thought I had for you isn’t ready. Until it’s ready I’ll pay for you to stay here.”

I raise my eyebrow.

“And what do you expect from me?”

“I don’t expect anything. You can’t start anything without developing a friendship first. I’m single and I’m single by choice. I have yet to meet a woman who was good enough for me.”

“I’m a man who has seen things on both sides of the tracks. I’ve been a hustler moving kilos and kilos and now I’m legit. I have a business. The biggeste real estate company in Houston. I just got into an accident and I have over $100,000 coming to me. The check just needs to clear the bank. I’m legit.”

I listen politely. Ruby walks over to the sink and washes her hands.

He picks up his silver cell phone with the nice engraved K on the front and reaches toward his keys.

The room key is sitting on the side table directly in front of all of us. I’m watching him as he rises to leave, wondering if he will try to take the key. His hand reaches for it, then pauses and he says, “Call me,” and walks away without taking it.

He closes the door and we sit in silence for…

One mississippi
Two mississippi
Three mississippi
Four mississippi
Five mississippi

“Girl, no he didn’t!” I begin looking around the room. “This place is disgusting. He tried me. I’d rather sleep in my car than sleep in this shit.”

“Girl, all we gotta do is go on about our plan. We always have the hostel. He was just lieing his ass off,” Ruby assured me.

We walk down to the front desk, turn in the key and roll out.

On to the next adventure. We’re actually headed up to Katy, Texas because I am looking into a position as a live-in nanny/maid in exchange for free room and board.

We get lost ofcourse, but old trusty Ruby finds her way and before we know it we are standing in front of a nice sized home in a great subdivision in Katy. A white woman holding her 2 year old son emerge from the house smiling.

My eyes catch his little bare feet and I think of my boys.

I miss them so much.

She smiles and shakes my hand. “I’m Nancy,” she says and her sons peeks at me.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee. This is my friend Ruby.”

Nancy and I had emailed each other back and forth while I hung out in Louisiana with Ruby. I found her ad that asked for a live in mother’s helper for free room and board. Through our correspondence I learned that she had two children, was married and was just too frustrated by the amount of energy it takes to run a household.

We sat in her living room and chatted. Well, she mostly spoke to Ruby because I was there but I wasn’t there. My mind was racing.

Could I really be living with this white family taking care of children that aren’t mine?

Does she really expect me to…clean?

Man….

“So,” she remarked looking directly at me. “Some people have a preference on what they love to do. Some people just love to clean, others just love to cook. If you have a preference you can do whichever you like. I’m really very flexible.” She looked at me as if expecting a response.

Which chore do I like?

I saw Ruby smile out of the corner of my eye. “I love to clean!” Ruby expressed gleefully.

I looked in the other direction.

Cook and clean. Laundry?

Um….

Free room and board. No bills. No food bills. A nice place to live with a family instead of being on my own.

My own room. The freedom to work my part time job and do my business.

We tour the five bedroom home and I see the room where I’ll be sleeping. It’s a nice sized room.

Oh Lord. I’m gonna have to think about this.

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Ms. Tee, the nanny?

In Pursuit Of Happyness

It’s late afternoon by the time we leave the woman’s house in Katy. I tell her that I will think about the live-in nanny position and give her a call by the weekend. Ruby’s hungry…again, so we stop by a place called Taco Cabana to see if they are any good.

Ruby enjoys her meal immensely and even scores a nice big souvenir glass.

We want to go out again but the fact that we know no one in Houston is hindering our progress. I remember that one of my readers lives in Houston so I decide to look up her phone number in my email and give her a call. But we need internet access first.

We drive and drive until we reach downtown Houston. We are loving the vibes we get from driving down the street and by chance we glance to our left and see… THE BIGGEST BOOKSTORE IN THE WORLD.

It’s a movie theatre that has been converted into a book store! Ruby and I figure that we can find a wireless connection there and we head over, lap top in hand, to see what it’s all about.

Being voracious readers and lovers of the written word, Ruby and I lick our lips in sweet anticipation of what we might find in the building but we aren’t prepared for what we see.

We split up immediately as I search for the wireless connection while Ruby browses the titles in the lobby.

Off I go—Up the stairs, around the corner..la, la, la… Where’s the connection?

And then I see the most magnificent sight, rivaling the world’s most breathtaking sunsets.

As I stand fixated my eyes can’t believe what they are capturing. I’m in love….row upon row upon row of books illuminated the way they should be, in bright neon lights.

When Ruby finds me sitting in a chair in the cafe, she’s out of breathe. She pauses before saying, “Dawg, did you see that?”

No words necessary.

I feel her.

“Dawg. I was blowed too. I almost cried. All those books! Damn…”

The internet connection at the bookstore is not free so after Ruby orders a coffee from Starbucks we head out to find another spot to connect. Ruby’s Lonely Planets book says there is an internet cafe not too far from the HOSTEL.

We fumble around but we find Cafe Artiste. There isn’t a big crowd in the cafe turned internet lounge but all of the wall plugs are taken. A gentlemen occupying a booth offers us his extension cord and we gratefully accept his offer.

We sit down and I call the reader but she doesn’t pick up. I email her and still…no response. I leave a message and that’s that.

While Ruby checks her email I re-enter all of the contacts into my new cell phone, a sidekick, a gift from Ruby.

I love it!

We give up on going out but instead of being sad about it we look at each other with a grin, “To the HOSTEL!”

YAY!

I don’t know what it was about that place but it made us feel as though we were world travelers/adventurers/on a divine mission.

So we sit in my car and puff one before heading inside. We aren’t ready to go to bed yet so we hang out in the TV room and laugh until the house mother tells us that it’s time to go to bed.

We both get ready for bed and our roomies are still up so we sit on the bottom bunk and talk.

“Girl, this has been a crazy ass trip!” I remark. “That wasn’t very smart of us to go to that hotel with that man. At the time it seemed okay but when I heard you telling Donald about it, it sounded like a dumb thing to do.”

“Yeah…” Ruby agreed. “But if that was crazy then THIS is crazy,” She said referring to our stay in a hostel. “And if THIS is crazy then this whole trip is crazy. WHich it is but sometimes you have to do crazy things to move forward.”

“Yeah. I know.” I reply and sigh.

My life is a trip.

We both go to bed at this point and I’m up fresh and early and out the door to take a final walk through the neighborhood and talk to JB on the phone while he’s on his way to his new job as an editor of a magazine in Atlanta.

By the time I’m all done, Ruby is dressed and ready to go. We’re getting back on the road to Lousiana. Instead of having her fly out, I suggested that I drive her back since it only takes a tank of gas to drive the entire way from Houston to Hammond.

We stop by The Breakfast Klub on our way out. I’m mismatched and hungry. My tooth is hurting but we have to try this spot that came highly recommended.

When we find it, it’s a cute little restaurant owned by a Black man. We march in and order our meals before sitting down in the corner.

My food comes first. My staple breakfast: fish and grits. Ruby orders an omelet which is HUGE.

Ruby plows through her breakfast and I take small bites of my fried catfish which tastes like pork chops for some reason. I can’t even finish it because I don’t like it.

But when I go to the restroom to freshen up I see there are signatures on all of the walls. How cool! I reach into my purse and grab a pen. I find an empty spot and sign my name and a message.

I walk out and grab Ruby so that she can sign too and she writes a message about the Gators being National Champs or something. She’s crazy!

We walk out into the morning sunshine, laugh at the radio station DJ’s who are playing a recording of Donald Trump talking much smack about Rosie O’Donnell and we hit I10 East all the way back to Louisiana.

Nice to meet you Houston.

Is this where I’m supposed to be? Only time will tell.

Peace Out Louisiana

Once Ruby and I made it back to Louisiana, I enjoyed a few more days of kickin it small town style which generally meant that while Ruby worked the entire weekend, Her boyfriend Donald and I hung out at their place and slept all day.

One day we went to visit Ruby at her job, to have lunch with her and we enjoyed the delicious burgers that North Oaks Hospital has to offer. Once we said goodbye to Ruby, Donald offered to roll one up and take me sight seeing in the city. “Hey…Britney Spears is from a little town about 20 minutes from here. It’s called Kentwood, Louisiana. Let’s ride. I’ll show it to you.”

Before we hit the road we both went home to change into more comfortable clothes and I joked with Donald, “I see we got dressed up to go see Ruby.”

“You know we gotta represent my baby right,” he said with a grin.

He took me on a tour of the city and the neighboring towns. Being from Miami, I had never even fathomed places as indistinct as the cities surrounding New Orleans. We passed through a town called Independence. I actually saw a Piggly Wiggly! I thought that was just a joke. I wanted to go inside but Donald was like, “It’s probably just a grocery store, Tee.”

He told me stories about growing up in a small town like he did. He said he knew people who would ride their lawnmowers on the street as a form of transportation. He even told me that he knew people who would go find cow pastures and search through the old cow patties to find mushrooms which they would then boil and make into some kind of elixir that would get you high or drunk. I looked at him like he was stupid. “Who the hell thought of doing that?” I asked him.

“Probably an Indian.”

Oh.

We passed farms and I even saw cows, donkeys and animals. It was wild! He showed me a river that he said he and his friends used to coast on to pass the day. I saw this one little girl riding a 4 wheeler in her front yard.

Small town living. It seems so peaceful.

The crazy thing about the time Donald and I spent together was the fact that I can say it was a positive experience. I can’t remember the last time I spent so much time alone with a man and it be strictly platonic and absolutely rewarding. The night before I left he even cooked for us, fried fish and shrimp and he grilled chicken kabobs too. So I guess I don’t have all negative stories to tell about men; this was a good one.

Which is why on MLK Day I was sad to leave Ruby and Donald behind to head back to Houston. Back to the unknown. Back to the uncertainty of my future.

But I sucked it up and said goodbye. I gave each of them a big hug and I kept it short and sweet.

I threw the peace sign out the window and put my car into reverse, I knew it would be the last time I would see anyone that I loved, perhaps for a long time.

It’s funny how God works. I arrived in Louisiana after my trip from Atlanta with only $62 in my account. When I left to move forward to Houston, I still had 50 of those dollars left.

Thanks Ruby… You took such good care of me. May God grant you eternal fulfillment.

You gave me a cell phone AND my dream came true ya’ll-She gave me her old laptop so that I can always be connected during my travels. I thought it would be YEARS before I’d own one myself. You took me to Houston when you didn’t have to and you dealt with me patiently through one of the most trying times of my life.

I have lost friends because of the decisions that I have made. Everyone can’t handle being friends with someone so gutsy(crazy) and I understand that. But those who can really, REALLY see my heart well… they stood by me and I appreciate that.

All I have in Houston is the promise of a part-time job and an offer for a live-in nanny position.

Let’s see how this all works out.

All I can say is, “Lord send a revival…”

Everything happens for a reason…

Do you really believe that or is it something you say to yourself to soothe your aching heart when you can’t explain why things don’t go the way you plan them?

My trip to Houston put this theory to the test.

I watched as the thermometer in my car dropped steadily as I headed West On I10 toward Houston. It was MLK Day so there was no real traffic. It rained for most of my drive but it was manageable. I made it into town around 7pm and I didn’t have to refuel my gas tank until I made it to Downtown.

I called Nancy and let her know that I was on my way.

I was uneasy about the situation, not just because this was a white family that I would be living with, but because I emailed Nancy right before I got on the road and she called me saying that her husband had found someone else that he wanted to consider for the position and they wouldn’t be able to give me a firm answer until the next Tuesday. “But you’re welcome to stay with us for the week,” she offered.

It raised a red flag because she had already told me that the position was mine, now she was reconsidering. Since I didn’t have anywhere else to go I had to keep moving. I found her house easily this time and when I parked my car and removed my laptop and purse I saw two little angels jumping up and down at the door.

I smiled to myself and gave them hi fives when I walked in.

The kids were too excited. They wanted to play. They wanted to show me their toys. They wanted me to see them jump and sing. I laughed so much! Two little blonde haired blue eyed kids. Adorable.

I was introduced to Nancy’s husband whom I hadn’t met the first time I visited. He seemed to be a real smart aleck. At first glance, you would think he’s too sharp for Nancy who seems to be on the more quiet side, but after a while I could see how they kept each other happy. They have similar personalities whether they want to admit it or not.

I read the children bedtime stories just like Mary Poppins would have and then I retired to my quarters for some rest and phone time with my Mama, my lil sister and then JB.

I sat for quite a while, staring out of the window at the street below, feeling like Isaiah in Losing Isaiah when his real Mama took him home and he woke up like, “What the fuck?”

It’s 35 degrees here. In the daytime.

I have NEVER experienced anything like this before.

I didn’t cry myself to sleep…I just felt peace. Like whatever is supposed to happen, will happen and I should be grateful that on a cold night like this at least I have a warm bed to sleep in.

The next morning I woke up early but didn’t leave my room until I heard Nancy leaving to take her 4 year old daughter to school. I quickly showered and decided that I would start my chores by spending the day doing their laundry. And I really spent the entire day doing load after load and folding them and attempting to put them away. Other people’s unmentionables ya’ll. It was a very humbling experience. I didn’t really see Nancy much although she is a stay at home Mom. I spent the rest of my time on my laptop sending out resumes and praying for a miracle.

It seems that young CEO and I did not come to an agreement about the terms of my employment and the offer was rescinded. Honestly, I think it was for the best because I had no peace about the hours they wanted me to work and he said he felt that I wasn’t excited about it, which was true, but only because the monthly stipend I would earn was not enough to cover my bills which would force me to get another job which would force me to spend less time building my business.

Remember that?

Wow. Funny how such an exciting idea that I used to be so passionate about is now the furthest thing from my mind. I’m still passionate about it, it’s just…damn. I gotta eat to live. I kinda wish I hadn’t talked so much about it because now everyone who calls is asking how my business is going and I have to honestly say, “It’s not.” I have to secure the basics first before I can get back to my dream. Did I make a wrong turn somewhere?

I have yet to solidify shelter or income— but I’m here.

I remember telling young CEO, “I have no money right now but I promise that I will see you in Houston next week. And when you see me, you have to know that God is real because there should be no way that I can get there based on my current situation. It seems impossible, but if this is of God, He will make it possible.”

I’m here.

Full of hope and charm and …scared too.

But I’m here. Waiting. Pitching myself to publications. Shooting my resume out.

The family that I’m living with has offered “Just in case” things don’t work out- that I could sleep on their couch until I found a place.

Imagine that?

Ms. Tee living with the Cunninghams.

But they’re not so bad.

And even if they were- God used them to provide shelter and food for me- at least for a week until the person they want arrives.

I actually sat down to dinner with a white family ya’ll. That only happened once before while I was in college and it blew my mind even then.

I’m nice and cozy in my bed. My belly is full and there are plenty more snacks where that came from.

Even if I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or the next— I can’t get down about it.

I have to keep looking up.

Cuz when I look up— maybe I’ll see God and He will show me the way.

Limbo Limbo

I guess I need to watch more TV.

I didn’t hear anything about schools being closed because of the freezing temperatures and the roads being covered with ice. Damn…this is TEXAS. But I should have known something was up when I had to melt the thick layer of ice on my windshield before I could drive my car.

Today was a day of planning for me. I tied up my loose ends with young CEO who will probably NOT play a major role in the development of my business simply because…ehhh…it’s not a good fit. So after that was settled I set goals for myself. Time to kick it up a knotch and develop alternative strategies which I explored but won’t share for fear of jinxing my progress.

After I handled those things I went to visit Joel Osteen’s church to see if they had any information or resources to help me figure out what I should do next. The office was open but the secretary said that no one had come in because the roads were closed. I sat in the lobby for more than a half hour while she tried to convinced me to make an appointment for the next day but I wouldn’t budge.

She offered to pray with me so I would feel better but I was like, “Naw. I want to see a Pastor.”

I don’t need the physical presence of a prayer partner to appease my emotions and make me feel like things will be okay. I pray for myself and the prayers of my friends are evident. I’m not dependent on someone holding my hand to affirm that God is with me, although I used to be like that.

My relationship with God isn’t so emotional anymore. God is God. With or without my tears and all the yelling and falling out. He doesn’t really care about all that. He wants a life servant; someone whose life reflects His love and His light.

Child.. I’m still trying.

After I came home safely…thank God… I went back upstairs to my room to do a little more research and lie down because honestly, I’m not feeling too well. I need to see a doctor pronto and I could have gone to the ER in Louisiana but I was being lazy and I just wanted to enjoy my time with my friends.

So that’s next on my agenda. I have to find a doctors office in Houston who will see me with no insurance or money. Sounds fun.

After my little rest, which wasn’t much of a rest because….I have lots of friends and everyone has to check up on me, the kids burst into my room asking me to play. So I did.

We all sat in the living room together and watched Sponge Bob while I showed them my Sidekick and allowed them to play on my laptop until 2 year old Junior broke four keys off the keyboard. ~shakes head~

All I could do was laugh at him. He’s so funny and cute. He speaks like a caveman. “Me Do! Me Do!” When he wants to play, “Me turn!” I know it’s only been a couple of days but I have fallen in love with these jitterbugs.

The 4 year old little girl Christina looks just like Britney Spears to me! And she’s brilliant! Yesterday I taught her how to play those little hand clap games we used to play when we were kids. She caught on fast and soon we were clapping and snapping and laughing in perfect rhythm.

In the midst of our play Nancy calls me into her home office to talk.

“Did you do you hair?” I ask her as I enter and take a seat.

She smiles. “Well. I took a shower today and I didn’t yesterday so that’s why I look different.”

We laugh.

“Well, I know that you are kind of in limbo right now wondering what you are going to do and I don’t want to add to the confusion a minute longer,” she spoke sincerely. “By getting to know you and your goals I’m not sure if this position would be a good idea for you. You need more time to work on your life plan. You have a lot to accomplish and I don’t want to interfere with that. I think it would be best if our family goes with the other person.”

I smiled. I agree.

“I understand,” I told her. “You have to do what’s best for your family.”

“Will you be able to find a place soon? The other person will be here on Monday.”

I laughed on the inside considering the double digit figure in my bank account. I eyed the resource pamphlet sticking out of my purse. “I have a few options.”

“Will you go back home?”

Home.

Where is that?

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I assured her. “I’ll let you know.”

By dinner time I was feelng great. Sometimes when things don’t work out you HAVE to know that it is for the best. And this is one of those times.

We all sat down to the kitchen table to enjoy a meal of stew beef and cornbread which Nancy’s husband says reminds him of the kind of food you eat when you don’t have any other food to eat. “It’s dry. It doesn’t have any taste. It’s disgusting,” he says while eyeing the cornbread.

Nancy’s family consists of her husband, two kids, her elderly father who is so cute, and her older sister who is a trip. We all sit around the dinner table making jokes and talking about whatever.

The family has had a problem with squirrels eating away at their roof so they bought a metal cage to trap the critters and they plan to release them instead of killing them. Nancy’s father who is about 80 years old is in charge of the project. His job is to count the critters and release them. The only complication is, he also catches a few rats in the process and he will calmly drive into the next neighborhood and release the rats there.

After dinner I help clear the table and load the dishwasher. I then clean off the counter tops and say goodnight to the kids. I go into my room and close the door. My phone rings and it’s Kim.

Wow. I feel like I haven’t spoken to her in ages when she is the one person that I made sure to speak to at least twice a day.

“What’s up girl?” I squeal.

“Nothing girl,” she says with a laugh.

“Why does it feel like we’re growing apart?”

“I know,” she agrees. “I feel it too. But don’t worry girl. I believe this is just a season for us. I mean, we couldn’t keep going like we were going, one of us was going to get married one day and we can’t be so dependent on each other.”

“I guess. I’m just used to it being me and you sharing all the details through whatever. Now, the only person I speak to everyday is JB.”

“I know Tee. But honestly, I thank God for JB being in your life right now because…for real..I don’t know if I could handle hearing about what you are going through on a day to day basis. I think it would be too much on me. Maybe it’s the season for you and JB to connect through all of this. You are doing something that I could not do, Tee. And it hurts me to watch you but I know it will pay off. But I’m glad you and JB are friends and maybe God sent him to be your anchor during this time when I can’t.”

Hmmm… JB is cool.

“Kim, I honestly believe that this is a season of healing for me. Being here with this white family and feeling connected to them. I feel welcomed by them. When we sit down to eat dinner I can see our reflection in the bay window and I’m blowed. They don’t hate me. They’re not judging me or pushing me away. At least I don’t think. So far, I really like Nancy and it’s really only GOD who would have me in such a great home during the coldest winter of my life.”

“Girl!” I continued. “You should see their pantry! I opened the door and almost fell out. It was overflowing with food. They must stock up for natural disasters or something because I have never seen so much food in one house before. I have not had to spend a quarter on anything since I’ve been here.”

“See,” Kim says. “That’s how good God is. I know you may not have a lot right now in your account and it seems scary but you have not gone without. You’re in a position right now for God to show out and He has! Think about it. Every move you made; from Atlanta to Louisiana to Houston, it’s all been covered. No, you can’t do a whole lot, but you made it each time with change to spare. That’s God!”

“I miss you Kim.”

“I miss you too girl. But we’ll be alright. Everything has its season. Let me go ahead and go to bed cuz I have to be at work early tomorrow.”

“Bye girl.”

We hang up and I lie back and look out the window. My car is parked out front and I can see it clearly. I love my red car. Although I’ve had it for months now I am still amazed everytime I drive it. When I first got it I called it G.G. (Gas Guzzler) because I was shocked by how much gas it took to fill it up but now I think the intials should stand for God’s Gift, because it truly is.

My phone lights up and I giggle when I see the caller ID.

“Hey JB,” I coo into the phone and snuggle beneath the covers.

“What’s up Lil Shawty?” he asks in his cute little Southern drawl. “How was your day?”

Why Am I Here?

Houston almost lost a new resident last night.

It happened close to midnight. I was sitting up in my bed staring out into space when I realized that all of my plans for Houston had fallen through. The worried words of my friends began to replay themselves in my ear.

“You’re going to a city where you know NO ONE just because some man made you a promise. You don’t know him. He could be telling you anything.”

“Don’t be running back to us when you fall flat on your face.”

“Why HOUSTON? Why not Atlanta or LA? Why are you going there?”

“Help me understand how you are supposed to make money off of this idea.”

“HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE?”

“What are you thinking, Tee?”

What was I thinking?

Well, I was thinking that my time in Atlanta was up and my next opportunity was in Houston. I was thinking that FINALLY a business leader cared enough to want to TEACH me some things that I can’t learn unless I fumble and mess up. I was HOPING to get ahead.

But they were right. Those friends of mine were right. The man didn’t live up to his word and here I am in Houston with no job and nowhere to live.

I panicked. Oh shit. What the hell am I doing in this weird ass city with all these damn Mexican restaurants? I don’t even like Mexican food. What the hell are all of these side roads that run parallel to the expressways? Why do all of the expressways have two names? I’m driving on I10 looking HARD for Katy Freeway but I can’t find that bitch for nuthin! Duh,,,they are the same thing.

I don’t know anyone. I can’t even get a dime if I wanted to cuz I haven’t seen any Black people since I’ve been here except for that night at the Sky Bar. Are there Black people in Texas? Where are you?

Oh Lord. What am I gonna do? I’m down to the wire. ~huffing~ I’m almost out of breath. I’m about to drown. ~huffing~ I know. I’ll leave. I can leave first thing in the morning. I have a full tank of gas. I can just drive and drive until my gas runs out. ~huffing~

Before I allowed myself to get too emotional I got a call from an angel who challenged my view.

Do you believe that God made the way for you to get there?

Ofcourse. It was only God cuz I didn’t and still don’t, have anything,

Why are you in Houston?

To start my non profit.

Can you start the business without the CEO’s guidance?

Yes, I can. I have the business plan and model all ready. I just need stability in housing and income for my bills then I can work it.

If you left Houston and went back to Atlanta or even LA, would you be in a better or worse situation?

The same as here. Still having to start over.

Have you given Houston a fair chance?

~mumbling~ I just… I’m scared. I don’t know shit about this city. Why would any of these people care about me and my dream? I don’t know. What if they hate me?

You had to know it would come to this. I know you prepared yourself. You KNEW you were going to be lonely. Didn’t you say you were willing to sleep in your car? What happened to all that? Now you see that may really be a reality and you’re about to run. You gonna keep running?

Man..fuck you. Your ugly ass. I ain’t running from nothing!

It’s your choice. You can make it happen wherever you want to make it happen. It’s all about you deciding where you want to be.

Where do I want to be?

I’ll sleep on it and I’ll let God tell me. However I feel in the morning is how I will handle it.

We’ll see…