Author: TPatterson

Black Thought

While going through my little library of books, I found one that I have never read called Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver. It must belong to my children’s father, or to one of his friends because I remember them discussing it at length when I was in school but I never had the desire to join in.

Now I know I need to get up on this. It’s time to expand my mind and delve into the various perspectives of other Black intellectuals of the past and present. Sometimes I think I was afraid to tackle political and social issues because maybe I wasn’t smart enough to have a solid opinion and express it eloquently.

After Val IMed me asking about another popular Black novel, I went over and grabbed my book again. It’s time to experience the revolution and evolution of Black thought. I know that I have a lot to say about the Black experience and through my honesty and observation maybe one day, one day, someone like myself could share in painting a portrait of the modern Black experience.

Help me to emerge myself in the best of Black thought whether it’s literature or personal memoirs. Are there any other books by Black authors that enlightened or inspired you intellectually or personally?

Lord Forgive Me

I can not sleep. I can not eat. I am burning with remorse for my most recent sin. I apologize to all who may have been in any way influenced by my most recent romantic decision. That was not of noble character and I am sorry that it went that far.

I don’t know what to say cuz I don’t know what happened. I had all of these rules all of these years about men and their roles in my life. Everything was very clinical and by the book. None had ever even SEEN my kids faces in the daylight and now this man is in my kitchen cooking us breakfast.

I disrespected myself and I disrespected my sons. No man should be that close to the family unless he truly deserves to be. You can’t have so many “friends” your kids lose track. What am I supposed to tell my sons now? How could I represent myself like that?

I’m not a wayward woman. I’m more of a reformed “ho” you know, I just keep it light and every once in a while I have fun. But him…..He snuck in there and something in him grabbed me and there I was acting like one of the women I swore I’d never be.

I have seen the light. I will never allow for my silly desire for love to cloud my judgement for the best interest of my children. I am wholly and lovingly devoted to their growth and development and I realize that no other two people on this earth are more important.
So…

Men..

I’m done with’em.

Kanye, It’s Ova.

I don’t have time for that shit while I go after my dreams in order to be able to take good care of my sons.

If you are going to get yours you gotta FOCUS MAN.

Advice from me to you:

Men are distractions. Fuck’em. DO YOU!!!

Again, I apologize.

May God see a way to grant me forgiveness and you too.

Two Stories

Ahhh….

I feel a little bit better.

Not 100% but most times I feel like I’m defective or something when it comes to men. But then I realized that if two people aren’t a good match for each other and things don’t work out, it’s no one’s fault. It just wasn’t a good match. Each style of shoe has one match to it. It can’t be upset because it’s a sneaker and the wedge sandals don’t go well with it.

We shouldn’t be upset either. You know…

But it sure does feel better to have this anger, this seperation, this bitterness. It’s what I’m used to and it comforts me. By pushing all men away I feel that I have the power to stop myself from being hurt. By being unresponsive to men I am guaranteed to never feel like I’m not good enough for someone.

Two of my friends tried very similar approaches in contacting their ex’s last week. One friend has been broken up from her ex for a year. On the anniversary of her break up she called me whining about how much she missed him and she still believed he was her husband and how no man she has ever met compares to him and how well they related.

After being a little annoyed by her whining I told her to call him and say Hi. I figured damn, if I have to listen to this, he does too.

Ya’ll are both grown, there’s nothing wrong with a phone call. After a little bit of coaching she did it. She called him but she didn’t say anything when he answered. They both sat on the phone listening to silence until she hung up. It was the anniversary of their break-up. I’m sure he was thinking about her as well and he knew it was her calling.

The next day she sent him an email saying:

First, I must confess to you.

Last night, I called you twice. However, the words would not utter from my mouth. I apologize. Truly I do.

In light of the holiday, I could not avoid the reflection of my life a year ago. Even though I vowed to myself never to contact you again, I made an attempt. Did God place it on my heart to do so? Or, Was it was my desire? Hmmm. I don’t know and I’m not trying to figure it out.

By writing this email serves not to invade in your life. Regardless of how you may feel towards me, I still keep you in my prayers. I pray that God will continue to elevate and prosper you in all areas of your life — health, relationships, financially, and spiritually. I pray the VERY best for you. May God continue to bless and keep you. Amen.

He replied:

Thank you for the call, strangely enough u crossed my mind yesterday 2. Coincidence I think not but I couldnt call because I was afraid you wouldnt accept a call from me, Im going to Miami Thursday for 4 days and when I get back I hope you will accpt my call…if not I understand

BINGO!

They are both still in love with each other! When he got back from Miami he called her up and she said that she had never heard such excitement and happiness in his voice. He had been the one to walk away from her, due to his feelings of insecurity. He let her go. Since then he had dated a few women but none of them compared to her. She said he was surprised that she is not upset with him and is glad that she took the intial step to reconnect.

I told her, “Ya’ll gonna hunch next time ya’ll see each other.”

She laughed. They live in different cities but she had already planned a trip there in 2 weeks. YAY!

My other friend. Well, she has been broken up with her ex for over 6 years. They dated for a year while they were in college and experienced their firsts together. After crossing his fraternity he told her that he didn’t want to have a girlfriend anymore and broke it off even though nothing else was going wrong with the relationship.

She was extremely hurt and never let go. For years I had to listen to her try to rationalize why he let her go. She was stuck. So when she called me last week asking me for a favor she knew I wasn’t going to be down.

“Chick, look. I can’t write a letter for you. I feel like I’m begging him,” I told her after she asked me to write an email to him asking for some sort of friendship.

“I know. I just want to see what he will say. I need some closure.” This was her umpteenth attempt as getting a response from him.

“You suck,” I told her as I began to type trying to express what was going on in her heart.

This is what I wrote:

HI There,

It’s been quite a while since our carefree college days at UF. I must admit, after moving back to Gainesville, you are a large part of my history here so my thoughts often turn to you. I wonder how you are doing, how you are growing and if you are okay.

I know we don’t have much of a relationship now for whatever reason, (I’m still not sure why) but I would like for that to change.

You were my first love. You were my first everything. You were more than just my boyfriend, you were my friend.

We’re both adults now. We have both grown tremendously and I hope that we can put our differences behind us and at least be civil toward each other.

I dont have any expectations of you. I just…miss my friend.

I’d love to hear from you.

Have a beautiful day!

His response was very much like she expected:

Please leave me alone.

He said it in a nice way. Then he sent a mutual friend to tell her that he is considering filing a restraining order on her if she doesn’t stop contacting him.

She was devastated.

But she got what she wanted; closure.

Hmmm….

I’m supposed to go out with a man this weekend even though I’ve stated that I’m going cold turkey on that tip. The funny thing is, I’ve already broken two dates with him in the past. Not because he’s gross, but because he makes me nervous. I really don’t want to take the chance of liking someone again and having them not like me back or (in most cases they still want to be friends with me- they ALL wanna be friends for some reason.). He’s also incredibly attractive and I don’t trust men like that. (Who am I kidding, I don’t trust men period) But he’s also funny and easy to talk with.

I don’t know. I guess I was wishing he would give up after 4 months but he hasn’t. I’d rather spend my kid-free weekend in my house alone though. It’s easier that way. Easier to not take a risk.

I just got an IM from him asking if I’d come up with an excuse to cancel yet. ~smile~

I replied: Not yet.

Is This a Dream?

Oh my gosh. I have posted and deleted this entry five times. I’m afraid to rejoice this time. I hate this feeling. You know what? I’m gonna let you know what is really going on regardless of how nervous I am about it. I’m trying to understand what just happened so bear with me as I put it into words although I still don’t believe it myself.

I’ve been enjoying my time of “freelancing”. The hours are perfect although the pay is virtually non existent but it’s still a noble career. Creative people struggle, only because they are so full of spiritual energy and that kind of energy can’t be properly contained. I couldn’t be contained. I looked at each job I held as training ground for something greater although my heart sank with each failure.

Although this blog may not be the best indicator of my desire to inspire and empower (sorry, you get the funky Ms. Tee with all the cracks and ever present PMS) my professional writing always aims to reflect empowering of women, sisterhood and overcoming obstacles. Take a peek at the collection, it’s growing.

With all of this in my heart it’s safe to say that businesses and corporations weren’t really feeling me. But I had to survive so I did what I had to do and changed jobs one after the other, always trying my best but never quite fitting in.

Where’s the job description that asks: Do you want to inspire others to greatness?

I was worn out trying to figure out my path until I received a phone call last week. It was a woman who had gotten my resume and writing samples somehow. I don’t remember sending them to that company.

She invited me into her office to discuss bringing me on as a freelance writer. I’m thinking, ‘This is different. No other editor has ever wanted to meet me in person.’

I had no idea I would be meeting a woman who owned her own company and wanted to expand by producing a magazine. After reviewing my past experience and objectives, she thought I’d be a perfect fit to help shape the content and style of the magazine. The magazine is geared toward women, but that’s all I’ll say for now. She needs someone to write stories and bring in other freelancers to help too.

“What if I told you that you have an entire magazine and you could say anything in it that you want to?” she said to me during our first meeting.

I sat there speechless in my Boondocks moment.

Are you serious?

Are you ready for my vision?

It turns out she is a motivational speaker and a therapist who has written two books that she also needs help revising. Ofcourse I offered my freelance services and she accepted. ~bling~ Her ‘calling’ in life is inspiring and healing women’s minds.

Crazy huh?

Immediately self doubt kicks in. Oh no…Here’s another black woman I’ll be working for and the two I’ve had in the past were nothing nice to work under. And here I go again, getting all excited about a job before it really settles in. Hey, it’s just freelance writing and editing. It’s a contract, it’s not forever.

I get a call from her yesterday and she has a quick question.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I definately want you on board to write and edit for the magazine,” she tells me.

“Thankyou,” I reply.

“I was just about to give this woman a call about the administrative assistant position I’m hiring for and I thought I’d call and ask you first. I know you may not have thought about it but..would you be looking for some extra income?”

Hmmm?

“I know you’re a freelancer but we could use your experience as we set up the office. I want to build a strong team and we’re just getting started. What do you think?”

Hmmm?

Administrative assistant again? Yeah, I think I liked those jobs when I did them. Wasn’t too long ago? LOL! This would be a full time position though.

“What are the hours?”

“It’s 9-4 and Friday’s 9-1. And remember this has nothing to do with the work you are doing for the editorial part of the magazine. You will be paid for that seperately. It will be everything you were going to do before PLUS this income. I thought that might be helpful to you.”

“Wow.”

“So what do you say?”

“I…I accept. I can do that. I can handle both jobs for now. I can set up the office for you and make some guidelines and protocol and do some research…oooh. I’d love to do that.” I realize.

Setting the vision is my LIFE!

“I’ll do it.”

If in some way I am dreaming all of this then it won’t matter because you’ll never read this anyway. Man, It feels like a dream.

I am now working for a magazine.

I am now employed by a magazine on it’s editorial staff.

I work full time for a brand new magazine and I will help shape it’s future.

I work for a magazine.

I actually work for a magazine.

A print magazine with a glossy cover.

A magazine about women.

I can let all of my writer friends write stories and I get to pay them.

Guess what my major was in college? YEP! Magazine Journalism

Does that mean that I am actually working in the field that I received my degree in?

Am I on my way to become a magazine editor?

Do I get to update my amazing resume?

Ahh.. Shit.

This feels like a dream.

I can’t believe it.

Feelin the HEAT

I feel fat right now.

Maybe it is that friend bologna and cheese sandwhich I just ate. It was good though. ~licking fingers~

So wow. What a weekend. I went out on Friday night. Down to SoBe for a social at the Sagamore Hotel. It was cool. Open bar. Nice atmosphere. I didn’t know a soul there and I hate going to parties alone but B made me feel guilty about staying home by saying, “I volunteer you to be a part of this group and you don’t even go to the things they have.”

Damn.

So I went. Alone. And got a drink and sat down next to two ladies who I later learned were on vacation from New York. So we chatted the evening away about everything Black people talk about these days; the re-election of Ray Nagin, the state of Black women in society today, race relations and the possibility of race mixing becoming the solution to racism in America.

While I don’t mind confessing that I have no clue what to talk about when I am in a room full of caucasians, whenever I see a Sista who happens to be cool, I am certain that we have a common bond in our struggle to overcome obstacles and better ourselves.

Hey Sista girl. How you doin?

Fine girl. Maintaining.

I hear ya. It’s hard out here for a Sista.

Who you tellin? But I stay on my toes and I’m always on the grind. I’m gonna get there!

That’s the right attitude Sista. Cuz if it’s not one of them, it’s one of us. We need to get our acts together and start supporting each other instead of always seeing each other as the competition.

That’s real! I don’t think that Black women understand the immense opportunity for all of us. I never believed that the American pie was only so big. If I see another Sista doing her thing, I am ready to congratulate and imitate. Too bad most Sista’s aren’t like that.

There’s an unspoken bond between Black women that exists in the deep recesses of our hearts. When insecurity takes over there’s no room for the heart connection to grow hence the reason why some Black women take delight in the failures of others.

I ran into this one chick a month or so ago. She and I went to highschool together and she invited me out for breakfast. Now remember in highschool I was pretty well known and no one in the world would have guessed that I would have children out of wedlock and be struggling like I am. I’ve been told many times that I didn’t seem to be a person who could be swayed because I was so focused on my goals.

Oh well…Funny what lies beneath the surface.

So this chick runs into me and over a plate of salmon and grits I tell her about my latest endeavors, successes and failures. She can’t believe what she is hearing.

Two kids?

Just lost my job?

Freelance writing?

Hustling everyday?

No boyfriend in sight?

As I’m talking I could sense a bit of restrained excitement over the news of my unrest. She swallows a bite of her breakfast sandwhich, suppresses a smile and says, “Well, plenty of people want to see you fail. They are just out there waiting for you to mess up. What you gonna do?”

I sit in silence as she sizes me up.

“Keep trying,” I tell her. “This world is much bigger than my situation right now. There’s nothing that any other writer can do that I can’t. I have a unique voice. I’m just trying to be heard.”

She smiles and looks down at her plate.

“Well, you know. As far as these raggedy ass men are concerned. Sometimes I think that it would be better if we just left them alone period. A woman would treat you better, don’t you think?”

I raise my eyebrow. Is she recruiting?

“No, I don’t think so. That is sexually unsatisfying. Besides I wouldn’t want to deal with all of those emotions. I’m emotional enough as it is.”

I don’t think lesbians have a “look” anymore. But whatever vibe they have going on, I must have it too because it’s not uncommon for a woman to try to be with me. But I’m not interested soooo……….

Yeah…I went out with the guy on Saturday. I drove all the way to Ft. Lauderdale to meet him and we had lunch by the river at Las Olas. It was a nice spot. The day was sunny, but overcast. The breeze made us want to take a quick nap. The date ended quickly though and less than two hours later I was on my way back to Miami with a nice surprise courtesy of the guy. Very thoughtful of him.

By the time I got home I was so tired that I took a few phone calls and then took a nap. I woke up to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It was Kevin. I met him over a month ago but I hadn’t had time to go out with him yet. I was supposed to meet up with him after the social on Friday night but I was tired of being on the Beach so I went home without calling him.

He wanted to hook up with me later in the evening. I paused and looked to my left where Dude was softly snoring buried beneath my blanket.

“I’ll give you a call later,” I told Kevin. “I’m still not sure if I’m coming out tonight yet.”

I never called him back.

At 10pm I woke Dude up and we went to my bestfriend’s family’s house for a party. I knew he would enjoy all of that reggae music because he’s Jamaican. ~shakes head~ He laughs at me because he knows I can’t understand a word they say in those damn songs and it irritates me.

At close to midnight I’m completely gone off of the 3 glasses of Alize that I had been drinking at the party and Dude brings me home.

Today I woke up and I was still out of it so I drank a glass of water and took a sweet nap for most of the afternoon.

My boys came home this evening and we played around a bit before I sent them off to bed. The game should be starting soon and even though I really don’t like sports, I can’t miss this HEAT game in the FINALS.

I love Miami!

Everything about my hometown makes me so proud to be from here.

Miami- Why live anywhere else?

It’s Hot Down Here

I had the silliest dream last night.

In my dream I was sitting at my computer writing and I needed a new word for WINNER. So I sat and I thought for a few seconds and just like the miracle that always happens when I need inspiration, it came to me in flash of light and jubilation.

MAVERICKS!

Huh?

I woke up and looked around my room. Why the hell would I even be thinking something like that? I’d never even heard of the Mavericks until last week.

Well, God never told me I was a prophet so I rebuke that thought in the name of the NBA finals.

In other news….

I watching the Cosby Show the other day and something weird happened. I realized that I no longer identified with the kids. Theo seemed silly and annoying. I can’t believe I used to think he was hot. Dude is corny on that show. Vanessa seemed whiny and immature. Somehow the parents jokes and perspective seemed more interesting to me.

Same thing with the show My Wife & Kids. Same thing with that show Gilmore Girls.

When did I grow up and become a sitcom parent?

Life Is…

Wow. That was a lot easier than I thought.

I watched the ENTIRE HEAT BASKETBALL GAME last night. From the first quarter to the last second. I was on my couch JUMPIN and SCREAMIN and beggin for a chance to win!

~wipes brow~ See, God loves me. He let us win.

I’ve been chillin all day with my sons. We lounge and roll around and go out to play a bit then we relax some more and cuddle. What a life?!!!

I’m really going to miss hanging with them when I start my new assistant job at the magazine on Monday. Those boys are pure entertainment!

So after I put them to bed I sat down to work on my presentation for tomorrow. I meet with the company owner to show her my ideas on content for the magazine. I procrastinated ofcourse and tonight, when I sat down to create…it didn’t matter. It all flowed so well.

I actually did a power point presentation that details my job description duties, my plan to attract and retain writers, my strengths and ofcourse suggested content themes (and sample article topics) for the upcoming year.

Man…I hadn’t touched powerpoint in a minute so it was really fun re discovering how to make the presentation come to life. I still have some tweaking to do but I’m sure I can handle that in the morning. I LOVE Microsoft Office! (Sorry, it’s the admin assistant in me. I love doing that stuff.) I STILL haven’t found a babysitter for my sons yet so cross your fingers that I don’t have to take them with me!

Life is life and I’m amazed at the path I’ve already walked. Geesh! ~shakes head~ It hasn’t been boring at all, I can say that.

And through it all here I stand (or sit), ready to whine and complain and cry and shout and write and flirt and dream and run and love and hide and embrace and chill with the best of them, everyday. No matter what.

Life is kinda wonderful isn’t it?

Damn…

Um…God?

Yeah. Well, I’m over here wondering about something.

You actually made me the way I am on purpose, right?You sure you ain’t mess up nothin that you forgot to mention?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I ask you that all the time but you never answer.

Why do I do the stupid things I do? >
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>:lOh…I know. To learn powerful lessons.And finallyMoveOn…

Livin The Life

What a LONG DRAWN OUT weekend.

My weekends are always super long and super relaxing. Hmm..Maybe I should clean up or something but I usually just lounge around and cuddle with my boys. But not this weekend because my boys were away- AGAIN- with their Daddy. So I cuddled with myself…

I got a call from my girl Kenya this weekend.

Yeah.. Remember her?

She was that chick from college that everyone knew because she was the only one on campus with a monstrous afro before it was fashionable.

So many years later she has traded those soft curls for dreads and she’s living in Brooklyn pursuing her fashion design career.

“What’s up Ms. Tee?!” she says into the phone.

“Kenya?”

“Yes girl, it’s me.”

I scream. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! What’s up girl!?”

“Girl, I called to tell you about my new job.”

I raise my eyebrow. Kenya has been putting in long hours at small companies, but always maintaining. Things have been slow but steady and I had been hoping for a breakthrough for her. You ever feel like that? You’re hoping and praying for one of your friends to make it BIG so that you can share in that excitement and somehow feel successful by association? I do that all the time. It’s as if the realization of their romantic, career and spiritual goals make my life goals more tangible. And to a degree, once you’ve seen your friend do something, you know it’s attainable for you.

“So I lost my job sometime in March, “she reminded me. “And I had been looking around working on projects and trying to keep my head above water, you know?”

I sigh. Hell yeah I know.

“I get a call from XYZ design company and I go in for an interview for an associate designer position. Girl, I didn’t know WHAT kind of salary to ask for so my friend tells me to ask for 75k. I looked at him like he was crazy. How could I have the audacity to walk into a company and ask for that much money?!”

I laugh.

“But girl, I didn’t even have to ask, they offered me a salary of ABC!”

“ABC what? A year?” I ask perplexed.

“A YEAR!”

“Damn! That’s damn near 6 figures Kenya!!!!!!!!!”

“I know. FINALLY I’ll be able to live life how it’s supposed to be lived. I’m not going to horde my money because what if I die tomorrow? I want to see places and do nice things for people so I’m excited.”

“Shit. I’m excited too.”

“And guess what? I met a great guy. I’m really feeling his conversation, his vibe and everything. But…He’s white.”

Hmm… Something new, huh?

Well what do you know. If she can do it. I know I can.

We WILL live our dreams!

Out Of The Box

I Was Right

It was too good to be true…

I walked into the meeting with the publisher feeling confident about my presentation. I informed them that I had a powerpoint presentation but they did not make arrangements for it. That’s okay. I had printed out my presentation just in case so handed out copies to the publisher and her her assistant.

As I went through all of my points I could tell they were not expecting so much detail. I wasn’t long winded, just thorough in my explanation of the role of a freelance editor and my goals for the position and my vision for the content of the magazine.

After I was done, the publisher sat back and folded her arms. “Well,” she said. “That was a great presentation. After seeing all of this I have a better picture of what this position entails. But…looking at both positions that I have offered you, I think it would not be wise for you to take both since the editor position is obviously your area of passion and knowledge. Your ideas are excellent and you are on the money with your themes and story ideas so let’s have you concentrate on that.”

I shrug. “I’m sure you know what’s best for your company.” I tell her.

“Now for the editor position. How much do you think you should earn?”

I give her a number that is WELL BELOW the average for editors in this area. She looks surprised.

“Ma’am. This is a management position. Managing and recruiting writers, creating the direction for content and filling up the entire magazine with interesting information is a lot to do and takes time. This is not a simple 9-5 job. This is a lifestyle. I’m willing to put my heart into this.”

“Hmm.. Well that’s not in my budget this year. Maybe you could write a few articles for us and then write for other people too.”

“Sure,” I say and I understand. I walked into the meeting with two solid job offers and she has now rescinded on both of them.

I don’t get upset. Well, just a little. The office is 45 minutes away from where I live and I wasted a lot of gas riding up there.

At the end of the night I look at my missed calls and notice that her number is there. I call her phone the next morning.

“Hello, I just can’t seem to get you out of my spirit, ” She says. “I know you have the qualifications that I need to help get my office up and running. And we really need someone to do all of those things you talked about in your presentation. I was hoping you could come in for a couple of months as an admin assistant and do both. Just to have some income coming in and then you can go off and do whatever…”

“Are you offering me BOTH jobs for the admin salary of $25,000 a year?”

“Just for a few months. Just help us set things up.”

Wow. The old bait and switch. She first offered me two different positions with totally seperate salaries and NOW she wants me to work like a dog on BOTH jobs for only 25k.

That is more than 10k less than my last salary. PLUS I’ll be wasting all kinds of gas driving 45 minutes each way, EVERY DAY with only a promise of 2 months of employment, no benefits and being her personal assistant, her office manager and the editor of her magazine.

Sigh…

Black women business leaders. It happens everytime.

I tell her I’ll think about it and call her back. I email my friends explaining the whole situation and then I call my Mama for her opinion.

“That bitch tried you!” My Mama hisses into the phone. “If I were you I wouldn’t even call her back.”

I called her back and said, “Sorry, that salary is not beneficial to me.”

“Ok,” she said and hung up.

I saw her number on my caller ID yesterday. She didn’t leave a message and I didn’t call her back.

So…back to sqaure one for me.

Still looking and waiting for my chance to do what I was placed here to do. Sometimes I feel like an eskimo in the Bahamas, but I’m sure I’ll find my place one day.

“Some of the most wonderful people
are the ones who don’t fit into boxes.”
Tori Amos