Author: TPatterson

Am I Dreaming?

The phone call came right on time.

I was up one night tinkering away at my keyboard when I heard my cell phone ring. It was my former Pastor from back in Gainesville. He told me he was doing research on companies and found one that he wanted to tell me about. He began to read a description of a PR firm that was Christian based and minority owned. The projects they worked on seemed like so much fun and the creativity associated with the firm oozed from the description. Not only do they work with developing businesses and events, they also have an in-house studio where they film commercials and work on graphic design and photography. And it’s all owned and operated by a Black woman.

“Wow. That sounds great. Is that in Gainesville?”
“No, it’s in North Miami Beach.”
“Really, what’s the web address? Are they hiring?”
“I don’t know,” he says and gives me the web address. “This seems to be a great group to work in terms of ministry.”

I shrug my shoulders and hang up the phone. Never one to sleep on an opportunity to slide my resume to someone, I quickly punch in the web address and find the link that says contact us.

I type into the form: Hi, my name is Ms. Tee and I am a creative, talented writer and I believe that your business might be a good match for my skills. Please let me know who I need to pass my resume to. Thanks for your attention.

I only leave my email address on the form. I’m thinking they’ll email me with some contact info so that I can personalize my resume and cover letter.

The next morning I’m at work and my phone rings. Since a volunteer is sitting at my desk she picks up my phone. I see her pause as she asks who is calling. Damn, it’s MY phone..~rolls eyes~

“Ms. Tee, it’s Tammy from XYZ PR Firm.”

My eyes grow wide. Wait a minute. Is that the company that I just sent an email to last night? But, I didn’t leave my phone number?

I take the phone and try to sound cheerful as I greet the woman.

“Hi, this is Ms. Tee.”
“Hi, goodmorning. Our company president asked me to give you a call and give you her email address so that you can send in your resume.”
I pause, not believing what I am hearing.
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
I write down the email address and as soon as 11 am hits I’m out the door and running to my car to get home to fix my resume and send it.

I send it in and call back two days later to check up on it. Tammy says she will have the president call me back as soon as she can.

Meanwhile I go back to work and I’m dealing with so much drama. I’m requesting vacation time because I have only taken two days of my two weeks but my Director keeps telling me no. She says that I should take a day off every now and then and that I can’t take a full week. She then says that she is concerned that I do not seem to be enthusiastic about the position anymore and that I’m making too many mistakes. She tells me that I should decide if this is the right job for me.

This really hurts me because I know that I am making some mistakes in the new program I’m learning and managing the database but I’m trying my best and I always give 100% on projects. It hurt even more because it caused me to doubt my work ethic a little bit. I know that this is not my passion but I am passionate about helping people, which I do a lot of and I remind my Director of this.

She says that we will see how the next few weeks go and in the meantime she has me training a volunteer who is helping out in the office. The volunteer is a parent and has always been a treat to be around because of her sweet demeanor so I don’t mind working with her and teaching her what I know.

Things come to a head when my Director tells me that she doesn’t think it is a good idea for me to apply for my children to go to school there because, “What will happen when you leave? If you’re applying for them under the premise that you will receive a tuition remission how will you pay for them when you leave here?”

I’m confused. Who said I was leaving?

But I just smile and I understand. She has said all she has needed to say. Once again, I don’t fit in. I’m not “Energetic” enough for her and the staff. I try to explain to her that I don’t stress about this job at all and she suggests that I should be more enthused about what’s going on.

I don’t get it. What more do I need to do? I come everyday and participate and give what I can give.

It starts to get to me because once again..damn… Another uncomfortable situation. But this time it’s different because I have never had anyone I worked for complain about my WORK. Usually it’s my lack of socializing that gets noticed.

So I’m confused and I’m tired and I need a break badly but I have to go on and finish my writing projects. Remember the time I took my kids to the Family Club? Well, I called our major newspaper and told them about it and I convinced the editor to let me write a story about it. She was hesitant at first but after seeing my writing samples she said she’d give me a shot. If I can become a regular freelance writer for the Miami Herald I have really made it because that paper is extremely difficult to work for. When I first came down here they told me I had to start small with the Neighbors section and work my way up to the regular paper. Somehow, some way, I have favor and now I’m getting PAID to write this story. And it’s almost done! I can’t wait to link it!

So in the midst of the craziness at work I’m being blessed with so many new ideas for writing projects and freelance opportunities.

This Saturday I got up and I cooked breakfast for my sons then I sat down to write but ofcourse I couldn’t because they really wanted my attention. My phone rang at 11 am and I answered with a yawn then I say straight up in my bed.

It was the president of XYZ PR Firm. She’s calling ME, on a Saturday.

We chat a little bit about my current job, what she’s looking for and how she thinks that I will fit into her Firm. I’m definately at a loss for words because first of all, I don’t know what position I’m interviewing for. All I know is that I’m creative and driven and I excel at anything I put real effort into.

She asks if I can come by and meet with her in a few hours. I tell her SURE. As soon as I hang up I’m dialing number after number and no one is answering. Sometimes I feel like my friends SAY they’ll be there for me but when I really need their butts I can’t find them. I need someone to watch my kids for me while I go to this meeting. My little sister is getting her hair done and my Mama isn’t answering her phone.

I call my Mama’s cell phone and she answers it with an attitude. I explain to her that I have a job interview and I need her to watch my kids and she agrees but I can tell she’s busy with her tax clients and doesn’t really want to. But oh well, as long as she says yes.

I drop them off and high tail it back home to print out some writing samples and get dressed for the meeting. The business is very close to where I live so it takes me about 10 minutes to drive over there.

When I ring the doorbell she answers with a pleasant smile and a war handshake. She shows me around the 20,000 square foot building and we sit down in her office. She guestures toward a 3 inch stack of papers held together by a rubber band that is sitting on her shelf.

“We put an ad out for this position and those are all the responses that we received. You never even saw our ad did you?”

“No. I didn’t.”

“Well, how did you hear about my company?’

“Well, my former Pastor from my time in Gainesville called me up one night and gave me your web address. I decided to send you a note and here I am.”

She smiled and looked at me in amazement. “That is amazing! This is sooo GOD!”

I smiled back. I didn’t know what to say.

“You don’t have any agency experience which is your only weakness. But I’m willing to take a chance with you if you’d like. We can start at this salary and negotiate further once your 3 month probation period is over. Why don’t you think about it and let me know on Monday or Tuesday. We have so many accounts that I’m already thinking on having you work with. One of them is the Black Wire Service that I own which distrubutes African American news all across the country.”

I’m sitting there dumbfounded.

I can’t believe this.

I have a job offer on a Saturday making more than I make now and I’ll get to learn about PR and have connections to a country wide wire service.

Am I dreaming?

During our phone interview she even asked me where i see myself in 5 years and I confidently told her, “I plan to become a WORLD INSPIRATION LEADER. I will be a best selling author and speaker traveling and uplifting the masses while empowering them to change their lives.”

I drove away in a seemingly drunken state.

I called my old Pastor to tell him what happened but he didn’t answer.

Did this really happen to me?

Do I really get to go into work tomorrow and resign?

God really loves me so much. So much. I..I don’t deserve this.

I can’t believe it. Is this for real? I feel like someone is playing with me.

How can all of my dreams be coming true?

I am so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Vacation

I was nervous as hell going into work because I didn’t know how I would feel after I resigned. In fact, I was still a little doubtful about the whole thing. It all seemed too good to be true. I was half expecting a phone call from the PR/Marketing agency telling me they changed their mind.

So when I walked in I immediately called them to ask a few last minute questions. The Company president greeted me warmly and told me that she was just about to email my job description over for my approval. She asked me to review it and if everything was agreeable, to email her back letting her know what day I’d like to start.

I reviewed her email with astonishment. Why do all of the projects that I’ve been assigned to list the words: Research, interview, copy write, community outreach, profile interview, etc. in their descriptions?

Whoa!

After reviewing the email I knew it was time to turn in my letter of resignation. My Director and 3 other staff members were out of town at a conference leaving me alone with the volunteer and the database manager who usually stays tucked away in her little cubby hole.

I walked over to the Business Manager and she smiled at me. She is always so nice to me. So many people say they don’t like her but for some reason, I LOVE her because she’s so cool and no nonsense. I closed the door and she asked me to have a seat.

“Um, I have another job offer,” I said.
“Ofcourse you do,” she said quickly. “You’re bright and nice to be around. I knew some company would snatch you up.”
I pause.
“Well, My Director isn’t here for me to give her my notice.”
“No problem you can give it to me.”
“Well, there’s also another matter I need to discuss. Well..” I clear my throat. “I was never allowed to take a vacation even though I’ve been working here for over a year. So I still have all of my vacation time.”
“Ok, we’ll pay you for that time once you leave.”
“You will?”
“Sure, unless you want to take the vacation now and leave early.”
“Is that okay?”
“Sure is. When will be your last day?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Ok, just write me a letter letting me know when your last day will be. You don’t have to worry about telling your Director since you’re leaving I’ll take care of everything.”

I walked out of her office numbly.

Dang. It all worked out. My Director has no idea that when she and the rest of the team get back, I’ll be gone.

I sit down at my desk and finish the last project that I’ll ever do for the school. I open up a new email and write a short note to our faculty and staff list serve.

Hey Everybody!

From the first day I walked onto this campus as a temp I have felt the positive energy radiating from every staff member. I’ve learned so much from my co-workers and I have especially enjoyed the Faculty Affairs committee’s special surprises. I can’t imagine any other company treating its employees as well as MCDS does.

Another career opportunity has presented itself to me and I am excited to take advantage of it. Regretfully, tomorrow is my last day here.

Thank you for all of your smiles, your warmth and your encouragement as I move forward toward my destiny. No plan is ever out of reach for you and no dream is ever too big. I will not waste a day of my life because I believe I have something positive to contribute to society. Look for me all over the place as my writing career takes off.

Remember to be a blessing to others.

Love,

Ms. Tee

After I send the note I am bombarded by shocked replies to my announcement. Everyone wishes me well and remembers how much of a bright spirit I was and so many of them reminded me of how I helped them with a smile and they appreciated it. I never thought that I was appreciated because you rarely get a word of thanks that isn’t given to the whole group. And lately all I had been hearing were criticisms from my Director.

Here these people took the time to let me know that I was a gift in their life. I really needed to hear that.

One by one they stopped by to give me a hug and to wish me well. They were all curious to know where I was going and what I would be doing. When I told them PR & Marketing they mostly smiled and assured me that I was perfect for that line of work.

At the end of the day I packed up all of my stuff from my desk and took the pictures off of the wall. I knew that when I returned the next day I would only be coming to put together a portfolio of the work I created while I was there.

It felt so good to be in that office and not have to jump up attending to someone’s needs. I realized that all day long I was the Go-To girl who had to do all the running and all the helping whenever anyone said they needed it. “Ofcourse I can do that,” was my most used statement.

No more.

Today I went in and sat down at my desk. I looked behind me at the pile of papers that needed to be filed and turned my head. I checked my email requests and forwarded them to my Director for her review when she gets back. Anyone that stopped by was asked to come back on Wednesday when the team would be back in full force.

The Go-To girl had left the building.

I put together my portfolio and I snuck and gave goodbye hugs to everyone in the other side of my building; the business office. “I’m giving you these hugs now because I don’t want you calling me out when I sneak out of here early,” I half joked.

After that was done I gathered the last of my things and told the receptionist, “I’m going to put these things in my car.”

I walked away from that building for the last time.

Hell no I don’t feel guilty for leaving early. I’m home relaxing and writing and talking to my friends.

I have 2 weeks before I start my new job. This is the going to be a great vacation for me. I am very grateful.

Let me go lie down for the rest of the afternoon.

Edit********************************************************************************

I just heard that Coretta Scott King died. My heart dropped. I remember back in college I portrayed her in a show celebrating women. To me she was the quintessential model of womanhood. What woman could stand beside so great a man and not be great herself? Her life will forever be celebrated.

All These Men

What have I been doing since my vacation began?

Writing, taking afternoon naps and then writing some more. I feel more energized and it’s only been a day or so. I do feel kinda guilty about leaving all that work behind at my old job. There’s a part of me that feels like I let them down, but I have to force myself to understand that their needs are not more important than mine. I didn’t feel like I was appreciated. I actually felt like their little Black servant.

Today I got a call from an old friend from Gainesville who asked me if I would stop writing on my blog because I was getting so much writing work. Of course not.

Blogging is not really writing to me.

Blogging is like emailing back and forth with my friends about what’s going on in my life. It is literally effortless and I’m never at a loss for things to write about since everyday is a story to me.

Today I came face to face with a part of myself that I know I need to work on. My attitude. I can be such a bitch sometimes. I have this problem where I take things wayyyy out of context and put them in a negative light. Well, mainly from men. It’s not a good time to be a man and in my life. Hmm, I don’t think it’s been a good time to be a man and in my life for the past 5 years.

I hate that I’m like that. A simple statement could be turned around in my head because I’m always on the defensive.

I was at my Mama’s house this evening and my Stepfather was fixing food for my sons. I guess he made it just the way they like it because he turned to me and said, “See, I know your sons better than you do.”

Screeech!

I gave him one LOOK, like NIGGA PLEASE!

“Whatever.”

Then he gets upset and tells me that I always take things too far and that he didn’t mean any harm by what he said. I back down a bit because it’s true. I think I expect men to try to put me down so any statement they make is an insult to me and I jump back with venom because I want to put them in their place quickly.

Sigh.

I recently started chatting with my ex. THE EX. Of the first love variety. He’s doing well. It’s funny that after all this time I still have love for him though it’s more of a brotherly love than anything else. Hearing his voice brought back too many memories and I just had to laugh. We were such KIDS trying to act all grown up and in love.

But it sure felt real back then.

He mentioned to me that it hurt him when he found out that I was pregnant from my THE MONSTER. I shook my head when he said that. Join the club. I think he’s the 3rd man to tell me that. I don’t know what kind of drugs I was on or what. It seems that so many men were head over heels for me while I was with THE MONSTER. But I didn’t see any of them, only HIM and his ashy fingers. Love is soooo blind.

Where am I concerning romance these days?

Absolutely nowhere. I did meet someone a few weeks ago that was very nice to me. We hung out and had great ‘conversation’. He even helped me clean my house. So you know what I had to do right? Yep, I had to stop speaking to his ass.

I can’t even risk the chance of liking someone right now.

My horoscope said: A chance for love is right around the corner. Don’t be afraid. If you open up true love could bloom. (Or some crap like that.) That confirmed it, I DEFINITELY (Spelled it right,TRINA!!!) had to stop contact with him. I ain’t in the mood for that. I’m not used to guys being nice to me. That is some freaky mess. I’m looking at him like, What do you REALLY want?

Even the thought makes me want to vomit. I’m so glad I’m busy and I rarely think about guys like that anymore. I’m so filled with my vision it satisfies me. I’m so enamored by writing, it turns me on.

My writing turns me on. Today I had to sit back and literally PRAISE GOD for the gift because I honestly enjoy my writing. If no one else does, it pleases ME. That is very satisfying.

Oh gosh. This past Sunday I went to church. Yep. I sure did. My sons were sooo antsy I spent most of the service trying to get them to sit still. But I expected a WORD from God and I got one.

The WORD was on time but not something I wanted to hear.

The Pastor was actually preaching about creative people and how they want their voice to be heard, how they want to be free to create and grow but first they need to SUBMIT, be trained and THEN they can be released to go out and do what they do.

I shook my head sadly. I knew all of this in my heart. But I didn’t want to admit it.

If I ever want to truly walk in the fullness of my calling and my gift I have to submit to a Pastor. For those of you who don’t know what submit means it basically means go under the guidance of. Full submission means that the person who you are under submission to takes full responsibilty for you and giving you direction, therefore you should be patient, learn from them and follow their advice.

I’m no stranger to submission. I did it when I was in Gainesville but I didn’t walk away feeling good about it in the end. In the end I didn’t submit because I wanted to leave and come to Miami and my Pastor did not bless it and I left anyway.

It was annoying always hearing No, you can’t do this and No, you can’t do that. Just sit and wait and learn. I wanted to go out and DO! I wanted to use my gift. But patience is the key and if you TRUST someone enough to submit to them you should trust their heart and their judgement. But in the end, staying in Gainesville didn’t feel right.

And the funny thing is, now my old Pastor has left that church and has informed me that he is moving down here to the Miami area. Yep.

Yep.

~looking around~

Yep. He’s coming.

I’m scared.

I love him. I still love him. I’m just afraid that I’ll be in the same place I was back at my old church where I felt like I had to prove my spiritual growth to him. That was not a good place to be in.

Aww man, I’m procrastinating. I have these artist bios to do and I’m not feeling it right now but I have a deadline. THIS, my friends, is WORK.

Let me get to it.

Later.

Picture Pages

Someone sent me this pic with a note saying,

I saw this and thought of you.

I wonder why?

Random Convos

Straight up this whole entertainment writing process has been so eye opening to me. I get to hang out in studios with hungry artists, engineers and producers as they dream big and try hard. Ya’ll I am probably the least qualified person to be writing about Hip Hop and I’ve been thrown into this and I’m learning as I go. Thank God for my Hip Hop lovin friends because I would make some asinine assumptions if I didn’t have them to correct me. ~geesh~

The other day I was interviewing a young hopeful and I asked him, “So, what is your ethnic background, if you don’t mind my asking?”

He paused, smiled and said, “Usually, I’m just chillin. I’m a laid back kind of individual.”

I waited.

And waited some more.

He smiled at me.

“Uh, ok. Next question…”

Yeah soooo…………

I’m on the phone with Anna this evening and she’s telling me about a Superbowl party she’s going to.

“So, when is the Superbowl?” I ask.

She pauses. “Tee, don’t EVER ask that question again. I’m serious.”

“Uh…ok.”

And then there’s………

The conversation I had with Sylvia tonight. I was explaining to her that I could not EVER date a man simply because he was nice to me. Sure, he’s nice and sweet and treats me well, having those things would be a step up from my past BUT…I also need for him to have some paperwork.

“Tee, what’s that?”

“Paperwork. You know, degrees, deeds, certificates of ownership, courses completed, newspaper articles, awards and honors, you know- PAPERWORK!”

“So you mean if a guy is really nice to you but he’s not successful, you won’t talk to him?”

“Absolutely not! That’s how chicks get caught up dating men who can’t even take care of themselves. I can’t live on a big d**k and a smile. He gotta come with some assets. I REFUSE. REFUSE, REFUSE to be with someone who is not just as ambitious as I am, if not more. I want to impact the WORLD, imagine me with someone who is content to work a 9-5. I’m gonna be looking at him like, Dude, are you serious? You’re comfortable where you are?”

“Well Tee, MOST of the normal women in the world don’t need all of that. We’d be content to have a man who treats us well and could come together with us and have a home and take care of a family. I just want a nice house, healthy kids and a husband who doesn’t cheat.”

~Raises eyebrow~ “Well you ain’t hoping for much. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who can’t push me to achieve my vision for my life while I’m pushing him to do the same. In fact, I’d rather we work together toward the same vision. That would be so great! He and I speaking and writing and doing business together uplifting the masses through the various arts and communication mediums.”

Ahhh….. That would be so nice.

But until then. I GOTTA GET THIS THANG STARTED!!!

So lemme get back to my writing.

Holla back!

New Lessons

It seems like I spend my whole life in front of this computer. Clicking away.

Tick. Tick. Tick.
Chat.Chat.Chat.
Read. Read. Read.

But what am I really getting out of it?

Am I missing out on REAL life, REAL trees, REAL interactions because sitting here with no makeup in my old boxers and a white tee is more comfortable than risking going out and meeting some potentially scandolous people.

It’s safe online. At least to me. I can control who I know and how much interaction I can take.

Interviews aren’t a real source of socialization because I’m being observant, listening and writing, not enjoying the moment FOR the moment but preserving the moment in my mind, on my tape recorder and in my notebook for future use. I’m experiencing it, but I’m not fully in it.

Yeah.

Yesterday I read a statement on a website that brought tears to my eyes.

Someone wrote: Anything valuable is not easily attained.

Anything valuable is not easily attained.

That statement stopped me in my tracks. I had to leave the computer.

See, I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. I celebrate myself more these days and have come to the conclusion that I am who I am and that’s okay. When I look at the things I once considered to be my flaws, I now see them as obstacles I need to get around, or over, or through. I’ve changed so much in the past ten years that there’s no way I will be the same person I am now in the next five years and while I look forward to change, well, it comforts me because I know the things that I struggle with now, won’t be the things I will struggle with later.

Anything valuable is not easily attained.

I have never valued my body.

Truth be told, almost any man who has wanted to sleep with me- well, he has. The only exceptions are men who say the wrong thing or men who have small penises. If you just be quiet and are a decent size and you try me, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll score.

I have never valued my body. I was never taught to.

When I look at girls who make men wait before giving them sex I can understand why they do it, because they know it is their prize and the one thing a man can’t take from you because it has to be given as a gift.

But in my mind I am no gift and all men want is sex anyway so if I just give it to them early, they’ll go their merry way and I can move on without having to go through any prolonged pain of wondering when they’ll leave.

Once I give it to them, they always want more, no doubt. Who wouldn’t? That was too easy? But I usually don’t.

I feel kinda numb afterwards. And disgusted with them and with myself. Disgusted with them more so because there are very few men who last more than a few minutes with me. What’s up with that? If I could get paid every time I have heard, “That has never happened to me before.” ~rolls eyes~ Yeah right.

I’m always honest with my friends about my attitude towards sex and they have accepted that it’s just Ms. Tee. One of my closest friends told me that I am teaching men that all women are good for is sex by continually having these one night stands and never speaking to them again.

If it’s good I’ll call them again, a few months down the road. But that rarely happens so it’s a continuous string of yawns and unanswered phone calls as they try to figure out what happened.

“I thought the guy was supposed to stop calling after sex, Tee?” one victim said into my voice mail.

I laughed and deleted it. I haven’t seen him since.

I want to change. Not really into one of those women who have a 3 month dating rule for sex. I think I’d like to meet someone whose mind and spirit excites me more than my curiosity about whether he’d be the one to make me cum.

One of my good friends came up with this rationalization that has always stuck with me. She said, “Men force me to be promsicous. I give them a chance to be good to me and they’re just not the one, so I move on to the next one. If one of their asses would just be COOL and DECENT and know how to treat a woman, I’d definitely settle down. But as long as I keep trying and they don’t measure up, I’m gonna keep moving on.”

I used to be so upset with myself about my attitude towards sex and men and then one day, I accepted that I wasn’t raised to love myself and honor my body and I have to learn that now as an adult. I have to teach myself. It’s not an easy task but it’s a goal.

And I hope that God will allow me to see the realization of this goal.

Until then I accept myself and all of my 2000 parts. ~smile~

Perspectives

You should always see the benefits of any situation.

I was just sitting here thinking, “Damn, I really want some hot wings and blue cheese right now.” Knowing good and well it’s not in my budget I sat back and started to sulk. If I had a damn boyfriend or any damn man I could have some wings and some company tonight.

But if I had some wings and company tonight I would not be able to finish this article I’m almost done with or this chapter I’m working on. If I had anyone in my life I was remotely interested in, I may not be so focused on my goals.

So maybe it’s a good thing I only view men as potential disappointments. If I didn’t my mind would be so far away from achieving the things that are in my heart to achieve.

Yeah…

That made me feel better.

It’s all about perspective.

Dude, do you realize that after I finish my writing for tonight I will go to sleep, wake up, take my sons to school and bring my Black ass home?!!!

HELL YEAH!!

I have never experienced anything like this before! It’s Sunday night and I don’t have to go to bed with the pressure of another work week on my mind.

It’s…Undescribable.

~singing~

So Unpredictable…

Have me feelin like I never felt before…

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!

Tellin Ghetto Tales

I’m not so different from them…

Though I’ve always thought I was.

I used to see them on the street corners sitting on crates looking shabby. I would turn my nose up at them thinking, “Why would they choose that life for themselves? Don’t they know there’s more?”

I couldn’t understand how we could come from the same environment yet have totally different ideals about life. Now I see that even though we are of a different fabric, the thread of our lives remain the same.

Thugs.

Hustlers.

Killas.

Dope dealers.

Whatever you want to call’em, they have souls too.

These past few weeks working with these hopeful artists has opened my eyes quite a bit. I used to be afraid of them. Their dreads, gold teeth and weapons, rough talk, criminal records and tricked out Chevy’s made me want to run in the opposite direction. It also turned me on a little bit, but that’s neither here nor there because I saw them as the forbidden fruit.

As I listen to their life stories I’m amazed. Utterly amazed. I knew these things were going on in my neighborhood, hell I saw some of it on TV and in the papers but I never got close enough to a guy whose life actually involved jail time, FED investigations and such immense heartache.

When I met them I was suprised that they were so polite to me. They were even friendly and sweet. Their goals have the same underlying fuel as mine; we can’t live like this anymore. We want to be better for our families. We want to make ourselves proud. We want to rise above the wicked circumstances of our births and make something good out of ourselves. We want to show others they way, the legitimate way to success.

They see their way up and out through the rap game. I see my way out through my ability to communicate. We all use our ability to express ourselves, to tell our stories, to cry for help.

We’re all tellin ghetto tales.

And hoping for a break to make the reality of today become far away

They are as much a part of me as my own family

I’l never shun them again because it took some time to see

That we are all hungry for relief from ourselves and our pasts.

We strive to create legacies that are built to last

Improve upon our parents, leave our pasts behind

Elevate our spirits and educate minds.

We’re all tellin ghetto tales

And hoping for a break to make the reality of today become far away

I’m sorry.

Girlfriends

I was chatting with this chick the other night and she was sharing with me about how much of a blessing her husband is to her.

She said that no one has ever loved her the way he loves her, wholely and completely and she is amazed at his kindness and caring nature for her and their children. She said that her own mother never loved her so much.

I told her I understood how she felt because I feel the same way about my children’s love for me and she said it’s not exactly the same because her husband is not related and didn’t have to love her.

This caused me to sit back and think about if there were people in my life who loved me but weren’t related to me. People who loved me completely and without reservation, without harsh judgement or conditions.

After just a moment’s pause, face after face appeared in my mind.

Plenty of people love me. I have so many wonderful girlfriends.

Not girlfriends like friends who are good as shopping partners or gossip partners. Or girls to take up my time when I don’t have a man. I mean girls who are there for me like my future husband will be. Women who speak into my life as God would. Who encourage me like a mother or father should. Women who know the deep recesses of my being and help me celebrate those things.

There’s nothing like hearing my friends voices on the phone. I feel so lucky, they’re calling ME. They want MY opinion. They want ME to share in their joy. With a past filled with so much rejection there are a group of chicks in this world who not only think I’m great, they genuinely respect me as much as I respect them.

The love my friends show me is the same kind of love I hope to have with a man one day. I often tell my friends, “If I’m lucky enough to have a man love me half as much as you do, I’ll be one blessed woman.”

They accept me. Completely. Ride with me. Listen to my drama. Take me shopping cuz they know I hate to shop. Help me clean my house. Help me do my hair. Call me when they’re happy. Call me when they’re sad. Include me in their life decisions. Value my opinion. Trust me with their kids, their cars and around their men knowing that I’d never do anything to harm them.

They bare their souls to me. Sometimes that’s a bit scary but I do the same. We never hide or fake the funk. We get krunk. Get lifted off of each other’s company.

If any of them had a penis I’d propose tomorrow.

I love my girls. And I’m so happy that one by one they’re finding happiness and success. They’re taking steps toward big things and I feel so honored to be able to share in their joy.

Thank you for thinking of me. It makes my day to know that you want me there to cry with you in pure bliss as you receive all of the blessings that you deserve.

Livin Single

My son woke up last night complaining of a belly ache. I asked him what he wanted and he said, “A sandwhich.” LOL! I remembered that he hadn’t eaten much of his dinner.

Then he said his mouth hurt. We stood in the mirror examining it from the inside and the outside but we couldn’t see anything wrong. Then he said his ear hurt. So I sat and rubbed his ear for him. Then he started crying saying his ear was really hurting. I sat with him and massaged the spot just beneath his ear until he fell asleep.

This morning he woke up still complaining of an ear ache and his big brother told me, “I’m sick. I keep couging. I need to see a doctor.”

“I’ll call the doctor,” I told him. “But today you have to go to school.”

I’d love to take both of them to see the doctor but I don’t have the money for the co-pay. Once I even opted to take my son to the emergency room instead because they bill you later. It’s crazy because if they’re gonna be sick for real, they need to be sick NOW and not next week when I start my new job.

It’s so rough being a single mother and trying to work because employers look at you funny when you have kids and they know that you’re the only one there to care for them. I was lucky at my last job, with the exception of a few weird comments, no one made a big deal out of my having to take off work to take care of my sons. But I can understand where the employer is coming from when they are a little cautious about hiring a single mom.

We have to take our kids to doctors appts all the time. We have to handle personal business. Kids get sick. Kids get hurt. Kids act up in school. So even when you get sick, you HATE to use a sick day because you know your kids are going to need it one day. You don’t even go to the doctor for yourself because you know that you need to save the time to take care of them.

With my new job I’m not a salaried employee which may be a good thing (possible overtime)because I have never been hourly since I graduated from college but from my understanding when you miss a day you miss a whole day of pay. I can’t imagine having to choose between taking care of my sick child and paying my bills. That’s going to be a dilemma for sure. And I won’t even THINK about taking business trips with this new position. ~shakes head~ I’ll just have to fight that battle when it comes up.

Call me crazy though. These days when I find myself in a rough situation I sit back and smile. So, right now I don’t have the money to take my kids to see the doctor? Well, we’ll just see how God fixes that! For real, that’s exactly what comes to my mind.

I smile and expect an opportunity to make money or a blessing to be bestowed upon me. Maybe this week one of my articles will sell and I can take them to the doctor on Saturday.

Who knows? But I know that my boys will eat everyday. They will always have clean clothes and they will laugh.

The rough times always precede the joyous times.

Here’s to the joyous days ahead!

God has certainly not forgotten me and my kids…