New Lessons

It seems like I spend my whole life in front of this computer. Clicking away.

Tick. Tick. Tick.
Chat.Chat.Chat.
Read. Read. Read.

But what am I really getting out of it?

Am I missing out on REAL life, REAL trees, REAL interactions because sitting here with no makeup in my old boxers and a white tee is more comfortable than risking going out and meeting some potentially scandolous people.

It’s safe online. At least to me. I can control who I know and how much interaction I can take.

Interviews aren’t a real source of socialization because I’m being observant, listening and writing, not enjoying the moment FOR the moment but preserving the moment in my mind, on my tape recorder and in my notebook for future use. I’m experiencing it, but I’m not fully in it.

Yeah.

Yesterday I read a statement on a website that brought tears to my eyes.

Someone wrote: Anything valuable is not easily attained.

Anything valuable is not easily attained.

That statement stopped me in my tracks. I had to leave the computer.

See, I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. I celebrate myself more these days and have come to the conclusion that I am who I am and that’s okay. When I look at the things I once considered to be my flaws, I now see them as obstacles I need to get around, or over, or through. I’ve changed so much in the past ten years that there’s no way I will be the same person I am now in the next five years and while I look forward to change, well, it comforts me because I know the things that I struggle with now, won’t be the things I will struggle with later.

Anything valuable is not easily attained.

I have never valued my body.

Truth be told, almost any man who has wanted to sleep with me- well, he has. The only exceptions are men who say the wrong thing or men who have small penises. If you just be quiet and are a decent size and you try me, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll score.

I have never valued my body. I was never taught to.

When I look at girls who make men wait before giving them sex I can understand why they do it, because they know it is their prize and the one thing a man can’t take from you because it has to be given as a gift.

But in my mind I am no gift and all men want is sex anyway so if I just give it to them early, they’ll go their merry way and I can move on without having to go through any prolonged pain of wondering when they’ll leave.

Once I give it to them, they always want more, no doubt. Who wouldn’t? That was too easy? But I usually don’t.

I feel kinda numb afterwards. And disgusted with them and with myself. Disgusted with them more so because there are very few men who last more than a few minutes with me. What’s up with that? If I could get paid every time I have heard, “That has never happened to me before.” ~rolls eyes~ Yeah right.

I’m always honest with my friends about my attitude towards sex and they have accepted that it’s just Ms. Tee. One of my closest friends told me that I am teaching men that all women are good for is sex by continually having these one night stands and never speaking to them again.

If it’s good I’ll call them again, a few months down the road. But that rarely happens so it’s a continuous string of yawns and unanswered phone calls as they try to figure out what happened.

“I thought the guy was supposed to stop calling after sex, Tee?” one victim said into my voice mail.

I laughed and deleted it. I haven’t seen him since.

I want to change. Not really into one of those women who have a 3 month dating rule for sex. I think I’d like to meet someone whose mind and spirit excites me more than my curiosity about whether he’d be the one to make me cum.

One of my good friends came up with this rationalization that has always stuck with me. She said, “Men force me to be promsicous. I give them a chance to be good to me and they’re just not the one, so I move on to the next one. If one of their asses would just be COOL and DECENT and know how to treat a woman, I’d definitely settle down. But as long as I keep trying and they don’t measure up, I’m gonna keep moving on.”

I used to be so upset with myself about my attitude towards sex and men and then one day, I accepted that I wasn’t raised to love myself and honor my body and I have to learn that now as an adult. I have to teach myself. It’s not an easy task but it’s a goal.

And I hope that God will allow me to see the realization of this goal.

Until then I accept myself and all of my 2000 parts. ~smile~