Author: TPatterson

NaNoWriMo Loser (sorta)

So we’re at the end of the NaNoWriMo challenge and I am only at 33,000 words. I needed 50,000 words as you all know so I didn’t quite make my goal. No, my name won’t be among the list of “winners” listed on the website, but I still feel like a winner.

When I first started writing for the challenge, can u believe it, I was quite challenged. I really had a rough time making stuff up. I mean, I’m not that good of a liar, although I’m great at embellishing things. I began to question my life’s goals.

If you take out my senior book from highschool, you’ll see that I’ve written that my life’s goals were:

Be married and have 2 kids by the time I am 30.

Be a motivational speaker.

Be a best selling novelist with a house by the sea.

So, if writing this novel was giving me more heartache than pleasure, then wow, maybe I was wrong about one of my life’s biggest goals.

After I took my novel offline, I became a bit more discouraged. I guess I’m so used to the blogger advantage of having my thoughts read immediately that it kinda made me wonder if I would ever see the fruit of my novel. Will anyone ever read all of the words that are pouring from my heart?

But I stuck with it, not everyday like I had done before when I dreaded sitting down to the computer every night. I was actually beating myself up because I wasn’t enjoying writing fiction. I had never challenged myself in that way even though since I loved reading I figured it would be an easy thing. It wasn’t.

But once I refocused and let go of the pressure of those deadlines, I started having fun. I began to enjoy exploring myself and my characters and allowed my heart to explode onto my pages.

You know, this kinda reminds me of driving around Miami. Everytime I venture into new territory I get lost. I used to cry and pull over and get frustrated. After a few more times of losing my way, I noticed that I didn’t cry anymore. I would still get lost, but now, I’d open my eyes and look around to get familiar with the area and try to remember all the buildings that I saw, so next time it wouldn’t be so unfamiliar. And every single time I found my way home.

Even when you’re lost there’s something to be gained. There’s a lesson to be learned, new territory for you to conquer.

I must admit, I have a hard time cataloguing my growth with so many occurrences that look like failures staring me in my face. But each time I catch myself drifting off into the abyss of depression, I remind myself that I am not lost, I am only driving through unfamiliar territory. And next time I pass through here, I’ll know exactly which way to go.

From me to you, on your darkest day. When you feel like you ain’t shit. When you feel like you’re being fake and no one knows who you really are. When you feel like damn, I wish someone could know and appreciate the REAL me. I wish I could be myself. I wish I could just be allowed to stop putting on a show. When you start thinking that maybe being nice isn’t the way to go. When you look in the mirror and the person you’re looking at is far from the person you want to see.

Please remember, it’s not over yet. You still have time to adjust your goals and create new dreams. There are people in your life who really love you, though they may not say it as much as you need to hear it.

You’re not done. This life is not over. There’s no excuse for giving up. There’s nothing wrong with adjusting your plans. Every set goal is not going to be achieved. There is room for error and a chance to make it right.

You have time. You have a purpose. You are beautiful and special.

And if no one has told you today, I love you.

I love you because you stop by to check on me. I love you because you care enough to send an encouraging word. I love you because I appreciate the love you send my way by accepting me and my many faults and loving me regardless. It’s all love up in here baby as you sift through my heartache, my delight, my drama and allow me to be a part of yours.

Do I Still Believe?

Dang! Is it really December already?

I’ve been going over something in my mind a lot lately and it’s causing me some confusion. A couple of years ago I wrote this piece about God having a soulmate for you and waiting on Him to receive His gift of marriage. Basically the piece illustrated my conviction NOT to date, but to trust God to speak to me directly and let me know who He has for me.

Since then I have dove into this belief head first. I developed supporting literature, I gave plenty of talks, found other books supporting this belief and encouraged my friends to stop wasting time and wait on God.

My time on BlackPlanet was specifically dedicated to this endeavor. I figured that since so many people on BP were looking for love, then this message would be a good one for them to read, to give them hope for something that had eluded them for so long.

I received an overwhelming response to my message on BP. Men and women alike all wrote to me sharing how my message touched them and inspired them. They forwarded copies to their friends. They invited me to come speak, to write letters, to encourage. I was very excited that I was enlightened to be able to speak life to a subject that so many people thought was hopeless.

God DOES have someone special all set aside for you, and He is so powerful that He will let you know- or so I thought.

My dilemma becomes, what do I do now that I don’t believe this anymore? The message is still powerful. My page still receives a crazy amount of hits and I still get letters from people telling me that I gave them hope for love.

I hesitate to write them back because what will I say, “Uh, sorry, I wrote that a couple of years ago and I was wrong. Please go back to whatever you were doing before because I don’t think God cares about all that, just make a wise decision and hope for the best.”

I don’t know. It may be my bitterness concerning men that is clouding the truth that was once introduced into my life. It may be the fact that I THOUGHT I heard God clearly concerning this matter- but I was wrong. Or it may be that I am growing and changing and just as my body is changing, my outlook on life is changing.

I don’t know. I really don’t know. I would love to continue to broadcast this message. I just don’t want to be a hypocrite.

Can you allow Him to love you?

So, I’m sitting here and I’m wondering, What happened to my faith? Where did I go wrong? Did I step out of God’s arms? Why is my mind filled with such clutter and garbage right now? Why am I even allowing these filthy thoughts to take up space in my brain?

And I’m feeling pretty low because I’m questioning truths that had been introduced to me because I don’t feel like I can hear from God so how could He direct my path.

The steps of the righteous are ordered by God. Yeah, I remember that scripture. But am I righteous right now?

Am I honoring God everyday with my thoughts, my words, my actions? Does not having a church home disqualify me from a blessing? Why should God pay me any attention when I pray? Why does He care about me when it’s obvious I’m not as focused on Him as I once was? I call on all of my friends for advice because I am afraid that God won’t speak to me directly and if He does, will I be able to recognize His voice?

With all these thoughts corrupting my brain, I then allow outside opinions to drive me further away from God.

“Girl, you need to get yourself together.”

“You must have been out of your mind to move away from having your own space to go and live with your Mama, I would have never done that! You’re crazy!”

“I don’t know what happened to you. I used to think you were going to do great things.”

Between my own self inflicted pain and the harsh words spoken out of love from my friends I am literally going mad. I’m questioning my decisions and my motives over and over again, as if questioning them will change anything.

When I’m at my lowest point, I speak softly into the atmosphere. “God, you said you will never leave me. You said you are holding me by my right hand and you are with me. Was that really you? Have you left? Are you there?”

The silence that insues is deafening.

I am expecting an audible voice. A flash of light, SOMETHING BIG to happen, but it doesn’t. All I hear is the sound of ducks quacking in the lake behind my house.

Then I remember a story I read from the Bible. I remember that once the Israelites were freed from slavery they wondered through the wilderness with only God’s light showing them the way. They had no source of income, no set plan, no navigation system. God provided for them day by day just as He is providing for me.

I may not have an abundance right now, but I am okay. I may not have all the furniture, the money or my own space but I am not on the streets. I am not sitting idly by waiting for a miracle. I am putting myself out there, I am being diligent. I am being persistant and consistent in my job search. I am doing my part, I need to trust that God will do His.

When it comes to having faith, many regress because they feel like they don’t deserve God’s love. I used to feel like I wasn’t worthy of His grace and His favor. Why would He use me when I have such a checkered path? Why love me when it’s difficult for me to love myself sometimes?

Then I hear, “Why not?”

God doesn’t choose us or bless us based on anything that we’ve done. No perfect attendance record at church is going to get us into heaven. Our words or actions can’t manipulate Him into blessing us. God is God, he is soverign and He chooses to be with us because He loves us.

Don’t think that just because you’ve allowed yourself to slip away that God has turned His back on you. In most cases, it is you who have turned your back on Him. He’s not like men, who want to let you stew in your mess so that you’ll feel bad. He’s still there. He still loves you and He is waiting, with open arms for you to return.

It’s not going to happen in a flash of smoke and fireworks. Your deliverance is not going to come like you imagine it. It is a series of slow and steady steps toward Him that will get you back where you need to be.



Step 1- Repent. Ask for forgiveness and forgive yourself.

Step 2- Honor God by reading His word and asking for direction in all of your decisions or plans.

Step 3- Recognize that God is the creator of love and therefore loves you like no person on Earth can. Accept His forgiveness and trust that you are worthy.

Step 4- Try to be more like Him. Everyday.

Be yourself. You can’t be the sista who seems to shout the best at church. You can’t be the brotha who is married and seems so happy with his wife. You can’t be anyone but you. Yes, YOU with all the crap going on inside your mind. Yes, YOU with those bad habits and failures.

All the bumps and bruises that you have acquired over time is just putty in God’s hands. He wants to mold you. He wants to soothe you. He wants to work with you, if you will allow Him to.

It’s up to you.

It’s up to me. To turn back to Him and allow Him to love me.

I lost my virginity to a tampon

WARNING~ This post contains some INTIMATE, PRIVATE, SEXUAL GENITALIA- related information that you may not want to know about me, but the story was floating around in my head so I decided to post anyway. For those of you who are still reading here goes…

I have always HATED maxi pads. Those are the grossest things ever invented. During that time of the month who wants to see all that? Yuck.

But ofcourse after getting my first period at the age of 13, I was given a bag of pads by my Mom and I used them and HATED every minute of it.

It was my senior year of highschool, I was 17 and all excited about going to my first Miami Carnival, which is a festival that celebrates Caribbean Heritage. It’s a place where everyone dresses up in these wild costumes and dance all seductively to the pulsating soca music.

My bestfriend Tamara is from Trinidad and her family had invited me to go and even participate in the masquerade competition. We got our costumes which were these white bikini’s with a belt that we superglued strands of gold beads on to make a little skirt. I thought I was too cute swinging them beads around my hips while I practiced for the big day.

Well the day came for us to get ready for the Carnival and I’m at Tamara’s house when I feel a little cramp. I go into the bathroom and I roll my eyes. My period had come early. Oh man, what do I do now? I can’t wear this bikini with a big ol nasty pad.

I open the door and call out to Tamara. She walks up stiffly. “Uh, what?”

“Tamara my period is on. What do I do?”

“Well, I guess you gotta wear a tampon today.”

“What?!”

“Look, it’s easy. I’ll talk you through it.”

I close the door and sigh.

I was a virgin and I had no clue where that thing was supposed to go.

“Look under the cabinet, you’ll see a box of my OB’s,” Tamara says through the door. “Take off the plastic and put your finger under the tampon.”

“Hell naw Tamara! I can’t do this! It’s gonna hurt!”

“It won’t hurt if you put it in right.”

I look at the tampon, which is not the kind with an applicator, it’s just a small tube shaped piece of tightly wrapped cotton.

I look down and frown.

“Tamara I don’t think there’s room down there for this,” I say and laugh.

“You can do it. Push it in,” Tamara coaches.

“It won’t go in! This ain’t gonna work. This is crazy! I don’t have a hole Prince. (my nickname for her is Prince)

“Just push it in, it won’t hurt if you push it all the way in.”

I had never even tried to do that just to pleasure myself. I was frustrated and angry at mother nature for making me do this.

“I just won’t go to the Carnival Prince,” I said. “This is crazy!”

“Girl! We paid $75 a piece to play Mass! You better get ready! I wear them all the time, you can do it.”

I find a little spot and it actually gives way.

“I think I got it, Prince.”

“Do you feel it?”

“Yeah.”

“Then push it up some more. You’re not supposed to feel it,” Tamara’s muffled voice penetrates the wooden door.

“Ok. I think it’s okay now,” I say as I wash my hands.

I open the door.

Tamara is smiling at me.

“And you thought you didn’t have a hole.” She laughs.

I give her a weird look and fasten the beaded belt over my bikini bottom.

————————————————————————————————

The really weird thing is, a few months later when I really lost my virginity to my highschool sweetheart, I bled afterwards.

I called Anna to tell her what happened and the first thing she said was, “Don’t tell your Mama.”

I don’t know about ya’ll but when I was younger my Mama would make me tell her everytime my period came on just so she could make sure that I got it every month. ~rolls eyes~

And Anna was right to advise me not to tell my Mama. My “period” was gone in a few hours.

Yeah… I don’t get it either. I really don’t.

Hope I didn’t gross you out. LOL!

Blistering Cold

I’m saddened to report an extreme drop in the temperature in the beautiful city of Miami.

This georgeous journalist awoke this morning to blistering temperatures that reached an unthinkable 54 degrees.

While I am well aware that seasons must change so that the circle of life may continue, this reporter has been battling the flu all weekend long, coupled with extreme difficulty in breathing due to the inflammation of asthmatic conditions that limit my ability to function.

Due not dismay. The bitterness of this winter freeze will not last forever. Meteorologists project that temperatures could dip into the high 40’s this week, but I am a survivor, I will survive, thanks to my trusty inhaler and the hospital emergency room which is only a 10 minute drive away.

On the real… this is the worst time of the year for me. I always end up in the hospital because of my asthma during the winter.

Oh well… It’s gotten pretty bad. I think I’m gonna go ahead and go get me an emergency treatment. I’m trying to tough it out, but not being able to breathe is something serious. Let me get out of here.

Feelin Better..

That O2 was soooo good! Mary Jane ain’t got nothing on some albuterol when your chest is tight! Still sneezing though. Need me some sinus medicine or something. Need this weather to STOP flip flopping. I’m walking around here looking like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Started yet ANOTHER part-time job, this time in customer service. Express calls me in when they feel like it, but I don’t care. Got another rejection letter from a job today. I wasn’t excited about the job so I wasn’t too dissappointed. I have another job interview this week. This time its at a private school for a teaching position. Yeah…teaching? 5th graders. Whoa! I don’t think I’ll be good at that, but I feel obligated to go on this interview. I feel obligated to apply for every job that I see and to take any job offered to me.

Ok, here’s my deal. These are the three things that are hindering me when I apply for jobs.

1) I’m overqualified. Due to my work experience and education.

2) I’m too creative.

3) My personality is too vibrant for an administrative job.

I’m not making this stuff up. Recruiters have told me these things over and over again.

So, even though I love administrative work, I think I’m looking in the wrong field.

I need a position that will capitalize on my creativity, education and vibrant personality. I like to make presentations. I like to motivate people. I like training people. I like to make stuff up. I like to write. I like to smile. I like to look good. I like to host. I like to make people smile and laugh. I like to help others achieve their goals.

Now, what am I supposed to do with all that?

Check Threes Out…

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:1. Ms. Tee 2. Tee 3. My real name

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:1. ptygrneyez 2. Mistee 3. Luckyldy27

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:1. My ability to dream 2. I like the way I write 3. I’m a good friend.

THREE THINGS YOU HATE/DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:1. I need braces, I think. 2. I’m extremely messy 3. I take the negative in before I take the positive out of a situation.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:1. Half-Black 2. Half-Amazing 3. Ghetto Queen

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:1. 3 story buildings with railings 2. Success 3. Failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:1. Concealer 2. Instant Messenger 3. Cereal

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:1. Orange & Blue pajama bottoms (UF logo) 2. Hooded sweatshirt (I’m sooo cold!) 3. Wife beater

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment):1. Eminem 2. Anthony Hamilton 3. Pit Bull

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:1. Mi Burrito Sabanero 2. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer 3. Jingle Bells

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1. Finishing my novel 2. Relaxing and stop stressing 3. Gain about 10 pounds

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):1. Financial Security 2. Deep seeded fear and love for God 3. Good sex

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:1. I’m a virgin 2. I’m horny right now. 3. I watch Malcolm in the Middle everyday.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:1. hair cuts 2. dark skin 3. sexy legs

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO: 1. NOT log on 2. Lie 3. Swallow

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:1. Writing 2. Reading blogs 3. Keeping in touch with my friends all over the country.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:1. Breathe through my nose 2. Sleep in my own bed 3. Have someone come feel up on my booty

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:1.Motivational Speaker 2. Corporate Trainer 3. Talk-show host

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: Man, forget a vacation, I need a JOB first.

THREE KID’S NAMES: I have two already. If I have a girl, I’d like to call her Taryn or Saniya.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Earn a passive income 2. See my sons start families. 3. Have someone that I love romantically, love me back

Ahhh… All done.

Eva The Diva- America’s Next Top Model

Eva is beautiful, sassy and sooo real! She deserves the title. If anyone else had won I would have cried. The best thing about her…she’s short. (Ha, ha to all those lanky tall chicks!) Despite what everyone thinks you need to come out on top, you can set your own standards and WIN!

She truly inspires me.

Holiday Help

It seems as if everyone is out and about on the quest for gifts for their loved ones. I actually had a great time this weekend at Express helping all these adorable men find outfits for their girlfriends/wives. I think men shopping for clothes for their girls is the most ADORABLE thing!

They walk into my section and just stand there, looking puzzled. I smile and greet them.

“Hi, how are you? Looking for that perfect holiday outfit?”

“Yeah, uh, I’m looking for something for my girl. I don’t know what to get but I know she likes this store.”

“Great, I’m sure we can come up with something spectacular. First tell me a little about her. Like, what size does she wear?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” the tall Hispanic gentleman says under his breath. He’s embarrassed.

I twirl around showcasing my bright yellow sleeveless top with the strategically placed keyhole, bright pink form fitting pants and multicolored scarf.

“Is she my size?”

He looks at my body, then looks away. I can see the red starting to creep up into his face.

“Yeah, she’s..she’s your size. But I think she’s a little shorter.”

“Good, then she’s a size 6. Were you thinking of a dress or a pants set?”

“Um, I want some jeans.”

“Ok, I’ll show you the different colors we have and you can decide which blue is best.”

“Yeah, but it doesnt really matter as long as it fits.”

“Ok, heres a great pair. They’re dark but they’re faded at the thighs and hips, I LOVE these!”

“Yeah, those are nice,” he says and motions for his friend to come over. “You think this is good?” He asks his friend.

“I don’t know dawg. That’s your girl,” his friend responds and returns to flirt with my Panamanian co-worker.

“Let’s find a top,” I say. “Is she into prints or does she like plain tops?”

“She likes whatever. She’s really cutesy.”

“Ok, do you think this is something she’d like?” I ask while holding up a powder blue short sleeved top with an attached sash that doubles as a belt.

He eyes the top and smiles. “Yeah, she’ll really like this.”

“Medium?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I think she may be a large. Let me show you a picture of her.”

He takes out his cell phone and goes through his pictures. “Here she is,” he says and holds the phone up for me to see.”

I take a look.

“She’s cuute!” I squeal. “But uh, let me tell you something about women. It’ll be a bad idea for you to go home with a large top. Always go for the smaller size, it’ll make her feel better, even if she has to exchange it.”

He laughs. “You’re right…I was thinking the same thing. Thanks so much for your help.”

“My pleasure,” I smile and tell him my name.

An older gentleman approaches me. “My niece is over there. She needs your help.”

“Hey how are you? May I help you find the perfect holiday outfit?”

“Yeah cuz I have to go to a party and my Mom is always telling me to wear more skirts and stuff cuz I don’t have any so I have to get a skirt or a dress today, but nothing too flowery or prissy, I’m not into that.”

“Ohh, so you’re an outdoors type girl. Well, I have just the thing…”

This is so much fun. My first time in retail, too. Too bad it doesn’t pay more.

What’s Your Price?

My girl called me last night sounding like she had just been hit by a truck.

“Girl, what’s wrong with you?”

“Your friend is such…a…hoe.”

“Who?” I ask curiously. This chick doesn’t gossip, so I assume she’s talking about herself.

“Your friend is such…a…hoe.” she repeats.

Yeah, she’s talking about herself.

“What did you do?”

“Remember K, the one we met that night we went out?”

“Yeah, from the….?” I laugh.

“Shuttup! Yeah, him…” she laughs.

“So?”

“So, I saw him last night. We were supposed to go play pool but we ended up at his place.”

“So?”

“So, he was just looking so good!”

“So?”

“And then he kissed me. It was soo good. I kept thinking, “no, no, no.” but all my clothes came off and..”

“Yeah, you ARE a hoe.” I laugh. “This is not like you, chick. What were you thinking?”

“He is soo damn fine!”

“Well, yeah he is…but damn.”

Now I couldn’t ride out on my girl because I had pulled that stunt too many times, but after we got off the phone I took a long look at my former actions and I thought to myself, “Damn, I was giving it up to niccas strictly based on the fact that they had nice outfits or nice sneakers or a nice haircut.”

They didn’t have to DO anything in particular. All they had to do was look good.

Look good.

These men inherit genes from their parents that they have no control over, athletic build, pretty eyes or sexy legs and that automatically warrants some free booty from women?

It is so true that when a woman meets a man, within seconds, she has assessed him and decided if she wants to hit. But why?

Why? Why do I see a fine man and I get this throbbing sensation in my…body and my head starts to feel all dizzy and I began to picture myself jumping on him and… well, you get the picture?

Why am I getting all excited just writing about this?

I don’t know. I remember feeling all good because I wasn’t the type to take gifts from a man or demand that he do something for me. “My cootie-kat doesn’t have a price.” I’d think to myself and smile with satisfaction. Then dumb as a doorknob, I’d give it away for free.

Dude didn’t have to DO anything but be cute or be funny or just be around long enough.

As I got older I began to hear from women who demanded payment for their goodies. I’m not talking about $100 on the night stand type payment. I’m talking about, “Here’s my utility bill/car note/rent.” And it seemed like the men these women dealt with knew exactly what time it was.

You get some. I get some. We got a deal.

Is this wrong? Maybe. Maybe not.

So, what should be the qualifying factor?

“I looovvve him girl, he rubs my back and washes my hair, and I sho’ll do looovve him!” BOOTY PASS- JUMP IN!

“He is soo cute. Look at them shoes! They so white, looking fresh out the box. Mmm, mmm.”

BOOTY PASS- JUMP IN!

“Damn, I know I ain’t had no business over here this late. Now he all looking at me and licking his lips. I was just bored. I don’t wanna seem like a tease. Damn…” BOOTY PASS- JUMP IN!

“My man comes here every other Friday and hands me his entire check and asks for some money so he can go out with his boys. I don’t play!” BOOTY PASS- JUMP IN!

“Ok, it’s been a month. He’s taken me out to dinner 3 times, and he got me those boots I’ve been wanting. He calls me his girlfriend…So I guess it’s okay.” BOOTY PASS- JUMP IN!

In all honesty, everytime I have had sex with a man I have felt like he has taken something from me. I never feel like I “got mine.” I feel like I gave him a piece of me. A piece he didn’t deserve or know what to do with.

We all have our rules for intimacy. Standards we set so we’ll feel justified in crossing that line. What are you waiting for? When do you think it’s time? When can you rest comfortably and say, “This is how it’s supposed to be.”