Can you allow Him to love you?

So, I’m sitting here and I’m wondering, What happened to my faith? Where did I go wrong? Did I step out of God’s arms? Why is my mind filled with such clutter and garbage right now? Why am I even allowing these filthy thoughts to take up space in my brain?

And I’m feeling pretty low because I’m questioning truths that had been introduced to me because I don’t feel like I can hear from God so how could He direct my path.

The steps of the righteous are ordered by God. Yeah, I remember that scripture. But am I righteous right now?

Am I honoring God everyday with my thoughts, my words, my actions? Does not having a church home disqualify me from a blessing? Why should God pay me any attention when I pray? Why does He care about me when it’s obvious I’m not as focused on Him as I once was? I call on all of my friends for advice because I am afraid that God won’t speak to me directly and if He does, will I be able to recognize His voice?

With all these thoughts corrupting my brain, I then allow outside opinions to drive me further away from God.

“Girl, you need to get yourself together.”

“You must have been out of your mind to move away from having your own space to go and live with your Mama, I would have never done that! You’re crazy!”

“I don’t know what happened to you. I used to think you were going to do great things.”

Between my own self inflicted pain and the harsh words spoken out of love from my friends I am literally going mad. I’m questioning my decisions and my motives over and over again, as if questioning them will change anything.

When I’m at my lowest point, I speak softly into the atmosphere. “God, you said you will never leave me. You said you are holding me by my right hand and you are with me. Was that really you? Have you left? Are you there?”

The silence that insues is deafening.

I am expecting an audible voice. A flash of light, SOMETHING BIG to happen, but it doesn’t. All I hear is the sound of ducks quacking in the lake behind my house.

Then I remember a story I read from the Bible. I remember that once the Israelites were freed from slavery they wondered through the wilderness with only God’s light showing them the way. They had no source of income, no set plan, no navigation system. God provided for them day by day just as He is providing for me.

I may not have an abundance right now, but I am okay. I may not have all the furniture, the money or my own space but I am not on the streets. I am not sitting idly by waiting for a miracle. I am putting myself out there, I am being diligent. I am being persistant and consistent in my job search. I am doing my part, I need to trust that God will do His.

When it comes to having faith, many regress because they feel like they don’t deserve God’s love. I used to feel like I wasn’t worthy of His grace and His favor. Why would He use me when I have such a checkered path? Why love me when it’s difficult for me to love myself sometimes?

Then I hear, “Why not?”

God doesn’t choose us or bless us based on anything that we’ve done. No perfect attendance record at church is going to get us into heaven. Our words or actions can’t manipulate Him into blessing us. God is God, he is soverign and He chooses to be with us because He loves us.

Don’t think that just because you’ve allowed yourself to slip away that God has turned His back on you. In most cases, it is you who have turned your back on Him. He’s not like men, who want to let you stew in your mess so that you’ll feel bad. He’s still there. He still loves you and He is waiting, with open arms for you to return.

It’s not going to happen in a flash of smoke and fireworks. Your deliverance is not going to come like you imagine it. It is a series of slow and steady steps toward Him that will get you back where you need to be.

Step 1- Repent. Ask for forgiveness and forgive yourself.

Step 2- Honor God by reading His word and asking for direction in all of your decisions or plans.

Step 3- Recognize that God is the creator of love and therefore loves you like no person on Earth can. Accept His forgiveness and trust that you are worthy.

Step 4- Try to be more like Him. Everyday.

Be yourself. You can’t be the sista who seems to shout the best at church. You can’t be the brotha who is married and seems so happy with his wife. You can’t be anyone but you. Yes, YOU with all the crap going on inside your mind. Yes, YOU with those bad habits and failures.

All the bumps and bruises that you have acquired over time is just putty in God’s hands. He wants to mold you. He wants to soothe you. He wants to work with you, if you will allow Him to.

It’s up to you.

It’s up to me. To turn back to Him and allow Him to love me.

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