Author: TPatterson

Another day, another struggle.

For the longest time I have been running away, literally, from the women at my church. They are all nice, sweet, generous, blah, blah, blah but I just dont vibe with any of them.

It may be my fault. I dont give any of them a chance. When they ask me to hang out, I say no immediately. Last night I spoke with Labreia, this girl from church who is trying to befriend me. I feel so sad for her because I’m not the easiest person to befriend. My friendships just happen. I dont work at it. I dont call people and make an effort, me and my girls just click.

But she has been trying very hard to be my friends and love on me and I have been like, “great. im so excited.”

Shes nice and even my Pastor told me that i should develop a relationship with her. I was like, “great. im so excited.”

See, I dont think friendships should be forced. I HATE being forced into a little box. I feel like my Pastor is saying, “Choose your friends from among these women.” And I’m rebelling because I dont want to choose from them. I have friends already. Even though I never hang out with them or really talk to them, Im cool like that.

When I told Labreia about being by myself all the time she asked me, “Are you depressed?” LOL

I thought that was funny because it is quite the opposite. I ENJOY having my place to myself, no interruptions, no clothes on, no distractions. I can just chill and be me and not answer the phone if I dont want to, which is often.

Am I a freak because I dont like to hang out with people? I spent so many years as the center of attention, always surrounded by ppl, I am enjoying this time alone. Labreia says I am being selfish.

My Pastor feels like I should develop relationships with women of God in our church. Man, I dont want to.

It’s like showing up at the movie theatre and saying, “I’ll see whatever movie is playing.” No one does that. You go to the theatre when a movie intrigues you and makes you want to see the whole thing. No one at my church has intrigued me to where I want to see what they are about outside of church. I can’t force myself to be interested.

~sigh

The thrill is gone…

I have no more sex drive. I dont desire sex anymore. I know it sounds weird but I realize that outside influences directly affected my desire to have sex. Since I try to cut back on sexual images and influences through tv and music I dont really think about sex anymore.

Those times in the past that i have slipped up and had sex have come from putting myself in a position of compromising what I knew I shouldnt do. Im not lonely. I dont want a man. I’m not a freak anymore, but when one is close I do what Im used to which is become intimate. Its not like Im fornicating on the regular. I can count how many times Ive had sex in the past 2 1/2 years on a few fingers, but even so, I’m not proud of the choices I made. And I have to live with the knowledge that I dissappointed God again and again.

Some friends say i am extreme in my position to never be around men. I think its just my safety net. I have to do what have to do.

Im wiser now. And so much less sexually interested than I was before. Dont worry. Ill be fine.

Who am I?

I know its like, 2 in the morning but Im still up as a result of a luscious nap I took this afternoon.

All this time I have now, with no school, no assignments due and no real work has got me in this majorly introspective mood.

I mean, Im always thinking about myself, how others perceive me and how I treat others and I must admit Im very critical of myself. I try not to be because this constant self-evaluation puts you in a place of never being satisfied with yourself.

I look at myself, where I wanted to be at this age and where I am and I am proud of all that Ive done. I may be a few years late on some of my goals but I know that since Christ came into my life, I am on the track to accomplishing more than I ever dreamt of.

I truly believe that the key to happiness is to delight yourself in the Lord and I am striving for that. I want to define for myself what fun in Christ is. I want to always be open to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I want to ppl to know that just because I am a single mother and a Christian, these labels that I wear all the time, I am still a woman with a vision and fears and doubts.

I do love myself, now more than ever before, I only want to be better in Christ. I want to please God so much.

I’ve always been this person that could never see the sunshine because of a tiny cloud. I know that. I dont like it but its me. If I have a success and I see something about myself that i dont like, I can not even enjoy the happiness of my accomplishment because i’m so busy focusing on what went wrong. This has caused limited happiness in my life because nothing ever goes perfectly.

What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy my friends. I want to write, be a star and raise amazing sons. I want more children. I want a georgeous husband. I want to make a difference in someone’s life through my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to enjoy it without always noticing the loose thread that no one can see but me.

Most of all I want to make my mama proud of me. I never felt like she was until recently. I’m 24 yrs old and I have to achieve for myself. Sometimes I would think my happiness would come through success. I dont anymore.

I dont stress my looks. I feel like Im pretty cute. My body isnt nearly as nice as it was when I was 19 but hey, with the right attitude and outfit anyone can be tight.

I want to inspire you. I want to change your world. I want you to know that you are loved and this whole Christian thing is not something youshould run away from, its something you should embrace.

Christ is REAL. It’s not some hocus pocus and fake ideology. Before I even picked up a Bible I experinced Christ for myself. Without a Bible or a church I still have God.

I wish I could shake you and wake you and make you understand just how powerful a relationship with Christ is. It’s not what you saw when you were going to church as a child. It’s not the ppl you believed were faking it. Its really what you want it to be. You make your relationship with God. You determine how much of an impact He has on your life. I have determined that He will be the source of everything I do.

God, I want you so much. I love you so much. I want o be better for you. To make you happy, to see you one day and have you hold me and tellme you’re proud of me. I love you, Lord. I’m your daughter. You honored me by choosing me. You didnt reject me. You didnt leave me after I told you I cared. You’re not man. You’re something more and I want even more than I have now.

Please help me to see your perfect will for my life. Please put ppl in my pat who will guide me into true obedience and happiness in you.

Thank you for an amazing church home that challenges me. I get mad all the time because I feel like I should be left alone but you know what I need. Give me the ability to let go and receive what you have for me through them. You know my heart; To help, to comfort, to influence righteously. Lord, help me to allow my heart’s desire to be shown through my actions, which is more important than my intentions.

I’m here. I’m willing. I’m open. Look at me. Receive me. Mold me. Please.

I am being challenged. I am being changed.

Right now there is so much going on in my mind that i lose sleep over it. I recognize myself but I dont.

I know that it is time to step up in my walk with God. I know there is more, a higher level to achieve. I know that a lot of my growth will come through the relationships that I am a part of but I dont know how to start.

My Pastor says to prepare my heart to receive the women of God that God wants to bring into my life. However, my preconception of women of God scares me to death. I picture them as holy-rollers who can’t talk about anything but the Bible, look down on other ppl who arent as saved as they are and having this weird kind of preppy school girl fun. All slumber parties and giggles and matching t-shirts. The In-Crowd at church. I am afraid that by joining myself to them I will become just what I always thought was so annoying.

“Wel, Praise the Lord!” being spoken behind every sentence, ridiculous grins plastered across their faces at all times. Just cheesy.

And with my two oldest friends things are slipping away. You know, the ppl you would run to with every detail of your life, ask their advice, be encouraged. I never thought it would come to the day where I am questioning if my two bestfriends should be such an instrumental part of my life.

It’s always been Ms. Tee, Tamara and Anna. No matter where we were. No matter who else came into our lives. It was always us three. Lately Ive been feeling so disconnected from my two best friends. And its so weird because we never needed a physical connection for us to love and bond.

I feel like whenever I talk to them they dont understand where I am trying to go in Christ. I dont believe they want to sabotage me and get me away from God, they just advise me based on what they know of God, but I’m trying to go much further in obedience and purity. I cant turn to them and expect to be provoked to righteousness. I cant give them my heart anymore and it hurts so much.

I want us to walk through this together but we are all on different pages and I feel like I am losing them. I know I compromise when I am around them, not because they encourage me to, but they allow me to.

I realize that we all are still growing but I never thought we’d grow apart. I feel so disconnected from them, to the point that I question the foundation of our friendships. Were we really as tight as we thought we were?

If I am not a part of my trio, then what am I a part of?

Hey. Who is out there? Why are you looking at me?

Lately I cant sleep at night.

The hours seem to drag by like I’m waiting for a pot of water to boil. Its so weird I never felt the time like this. Being in school I was up late every night, probably just as I am now. But then I was busy, busy, busy. I worked on papers, I worked on my website, I had to be creative, I had to meet deadlines. Now, all that is finished but my body doesnt know it, so here I am its after 2 am and Im wide awake.

I used to chat a lot. Id meet random ppl on Black Planet or College Club and we’d spend hours sharing our heart, our daily lives, our goals and fears. The computer has a way of stripping you naked if you allow it. Since these ppl knew that we would probably never meet, we could be real, be open and fearless.

During these late nights, with nothing to do, I find myself analyzing everything in my life. From my past relationships to what kind of clothes I want to buy for myself whenever I get a real job.

I realize that I am extremely critical of myself. I want to change that. For some reason I have these amazing friends who love me and I always ask myself why. Like I feel like I dont deserve their friendship. Thats crazy cuz Im not some horrible person. Im a bit dramatic, I guess and a bit forceful, maybe bossy sometimes and extremely flamboyant. Did I spell that right?

Im a nut. In a hut. I stole a apple from the tree. So what?

I remember when I was younger everyone always gave me my way. In elementary school I could walk into my principal’s office and tell him i wanted to do something and he would tell me to go ahead. I started all kinds of competitions, all kinds of clubs.

Once, I made all the girls in the fifth grade form these clubs, like little cliques. Then I convinced the prinicipal that it would be beneficial to the students to learn about the voting process by having us have a campaign that would decide who had the most popular club. We had a full out campaign, with posters and announcements made over the loudspeaker and a voting booth.

Ofcourse I won.

I was always like that. Coming up with something totally unthinkable and always expecting that I could do anything. I am still that way today.

Same issue different day.

I have an issue with trust and it is the issue that I am dealing with right now. Because of it I dont have any girlfriends at my church and I have secluded myself.

My Pastor and I have spoken about it and he has challenged me to ask God to send Godly relationships into my life. I have. He then asked me to open my heart to the women at church. Im trying. Girl, they all look like they have so much fun together, they really seem close. But they dont seem like the kind of women that I would hang around. Im so used to having a certain type of tight, popular, georgeous woman around me who is so vivacious that you gotta take a deep breath when you are around her.

Those women at my church seem so quiet in comparison to my friends and I have not given them a chance. My heart says I dont care if I sit up in my house by myself day after day, night after night but I know that I am missing out on growth and experiencing family in my church.

So, Im not gonna deal with those trust issues anymore. Pslam 118:8 says Trust God, not men. I wont put my trust in them, Ill put my trust in Him, knowing that He wants to bring me a healthy relationship with a female that will sharpen me and be a lot of fun at the same time.

So, I will be open. I will smile at them. I will accept their lunch invitations and just suck it up and GOOOO! I may be surprised.. Who knows. I’ll let you know how things turn out.

I have a JOB!

I start on Monday January 26th. I am the Executive Assistant to the Director of Research Studies at the VA Hospital. Ok, OK. I just invented that title to make myself feel special.

The contract says I am a Program Support Assistant. But I think my title sounds better so Im gonna use that one. Ruby and I came up with it together. It fits me.

Soooo, what that really means is that I will assist a research doctor in running his office and his team and organizing and communicating his research effectively. I will also be learning to write grants and proposals which is the beginning of something great! Im so excited. I have to go shopping, jeans and sweat shirts wont work anymore.

I’m a working woman in the world!

I’m a BALLER too! The money is niiccceee…

Whewww!

Exhale…..

Talking with my Pastor is like a nice deep massage. I walk in there all tense and nervous because I know I am going to share with him all the ugliness and worry in my heart and I walk out of there relieved, encouraged and challenged to be my best for God.

I dont know what kind of relationship others may have with their Pastor. I used to think of Pastors as this untouchable, unreachable, holier than thou- type individual. I would be afraid to tell them the things I was unsure of or struggling with because I thought they would judge me or label me, but my college Pastor is different.

He listens. He encourages. He shares wisdom and most importantly he corrects. I adore correction made in love and my Pastor has plenty of it.

THis morning I went to see him and I asked him if his job was to challenge me. He said that challenge wasn’t really the right word, more like help develop. See, he knows my heart and my vision for my life. Im sure he can see how my desires can ultimately bring glory to God so when he brings a word of correction, whether I ask for it or not, it should be welcomed as preparation for God’s purpose for my life. There are certain areas that need to be developed, nurtured so that when the time comes to walk fully in God’s vision for my life, I will be able to function without hesitation.

So, yes, I tell my Pastor almost everything that I struggle with. I mean, why go to your friend who is in the same situation you are in for encouragement when you can go to someone who you know hears from God and may have helped others through the same struggle that you’re dealing with?

I choose to be transparent and allow my Pastor to see my heart. I have nothing to hide. God already knows everything and if my heart is pure, my Pastor can know too. He loves me because he loves God.

Thanks Pastor.

I’ll be alright.

Everything is different now. I have a new job that I start on Monday so my financial situation is about to get better right? uhh…no.

While I was in school I had foodstamps, daycare discounts and grants and student loans as well as a part-time job to help me keep my head above water. My sons dad started paying for their daycare which helped a lot too.

Now that I am out of school, no more money is being pushed at me. Its time to stand up by myself. No more food stamps- Owww, that really hurts! My daycare discount- GONE, raising my daycare bill from $350 to over $1,000 a month. I need a new car, my 95 Geo Prizm is falling apart. I have to repay my student loans. I need insurance for my new car, health insurance, life insurance and ofcourse make sure I get my 10% of tithes to the Lord off top!

Doh! Welcome to the real world.

So, Im making good money but when I do my budget, I have very little savings each month. Actually, Im barely making my budget. Im not going to stress when I havent even gotten a paycheck yet.

ANyway, I wont stress. I never stress about issues with money. I trust God completely in that area. He’s not gonna let me and my sons live out on the streets and go hungry.

Can a sista get a vision or something , Lord?! Show me how Im gonna make this work. Or, how YOU are gonna make this work.

It’ll be interesting to find out.