Author: TPatterson

Man, here goes that headache again.

You know what? I really like my job. No, for real. It’s so creative and free. I am so good at it too. Everyone keeps telling me how difficult it is working for my publisher but I don’t see it. She’s a woman just like anyone else. I think she’s cool and she needs strong people around her.

Funny how I hated my job at the VA and it paid well and I LOVE this job and it doesn’t. ~sigh~ That’s a trip.

It’s another cloudy day here in the MIA. In case you didn’t know, it rains a lot in Miami. I love it. We need the breeze from the rain because it’s so humid down here.

Today I gave my first speech in front of a group of fifth graders and their parents. When I saw the crowd I got so nervous I was shaking. Then the principal of the school came over and shook my hand and I sat down on the stage with all the teachers, right next to the principal. It was so weird being on the stage during the awards ceremony.

I spoke about the pitfalls of middle school and how I want them to develop a vision for themselves and dare to dream beyond Liberty City. I don’t think they were paying attention, but they clapped loudly so I felt better.

Since it was a promotional program, these kids were getting all of these awards and this one girl names Ashlyn got almost every one of them. She was the MC. She was the captain of the cheerleaders. She was the anchor woman of the school’s newsteam, she did a solo dance, she got the citizenship trophy, the reading trophy, the spanish trophy, the art trophy and so many more. It kinda got on my nerves until I remembered that I was that girl a long time ago.

Is that why some of my highschool teachers were annoyed with me- Because I was involved in everything?

As I watched these kids receive their awards and their proud parents whooping it up, I began to imagine my own sons getting awards and me standing there crying while trying to hold the video camera. I then imagined my baby daddy there with his girlfriend and I rolled my eyes and got back to imagining the good part.

Yeah, my sons are gonna be great. And when I have a daughter! OoooH! Watch out world! A little mini-me that looks cute just like me and likes to read just like me and wants to be just like me. ~sigh~ I can’t wait.

I know I have to wait but I want more children so badly. I see pregnant women and I get jealous. I play with my sons and it seems like someone is missing. I know who is missing, their brothers and sisters. I love my sons. They’re a handful but I wouldnt try to push them back in for anything. They’re chocolatey delicious!

I just hope Mr. Golden Boy comes along so that I can give him plenty of babies.

I’m thinking about relationships lately. I don’t know if it’s from melting everytime I read my sister Shay’s blog or if it’s just time to meet my match. I think I just desire companiosnhip. I never let myself dwell on it like this and I’m actually starting to feel ashamed.

I try to disguise my desire to be loved by focusing on my career. I figure the more money I make or the faster I achieve my goals the happier I will be and maybe I’ll be too busy being successful to think about the fact that no man has held me or loved me in a very, very long time.

I know what you’re thinking: TRUST GOD. Yeah, I know Leon. I do. I do. I know He has someone fine and talented and silly for me. It’s just…in the meantime, with all this giving and giving and encouraging others, I wonder when it will be my turn. I think I could handle a little love. I don’t even need a lot. And I don’t need it all the time.

Just a sprinkle would be great though. Sprinkle a little love on me please God.

Yay! I’m so excited! I finally got my new weblog up and running. I specifically made it for all of you who would like to read the weekly column that me and my co-columnist write.

He is very controversial but I am sure you will enjoy his writing style. Feel free to comment as he will be monitoring the blog as well and we would both love to hear what you think.

Here’s the link.

Hidden Thoughts

ENJOY!

As we mature it seems like we are so caught up by others perception of us that we can not really be ourselves. We worry about what our parents think. We worry about what our Pastors think. We worry about what our significant others think and we make ourselves into this fake person that is always trying to meet up with their expectations.

Before we know it we’re 50 years old and we realize that we wasted so much time trying to be well-behaved for others that we missed out on living for ourselves. We then become very bitter and unhappy.

That’s why it’s hard to get an old person to do something that they don’t want to do. An old person will tell you NO in a heartbeat and keep on walking. They will wear gray sweat pants every day and socks with sandals. We laugh at them and call them old fashioned but we are the ones running out buying the latest trends, even if we don’t like them, trying to impress people.

Old people are FREE! They eat icecream when they want to. They take up hobbies and go on long trips to the grocery store, just because.

Don’t wait until you are old to begin to be yourself. Live for you! Don’t hide those outfits in the back of the closet because some magazine says it went out of style. If it looks good on you WEAR IT!

Everyone else will have something to say about what you want to do but remember it’s YOUR life, they don’t have to live it. The minute they finish criticizing or instructing you on how you should do things, they get in their car and go do what they want to do with their life. No one is instructing them.

Break away from the constraints of a society that is quick to judge and condemn and instruct, supposedly for ‘your own good.’

Trust yourself to make decisions about your life. You are the one who has to live with the repercussions of your choices.

Don’t live a life filled with regrets. You only get one chance.

I’m up late feeling pretty silly right now. I just got off the phone with Ruby and that girl is wilding out up in Atlanta. I plan to go visit her for her birthday in mid August.

Life is so different in Miami. Let me tell you, before I came down here to visit last April (the visit that propelled me to move down here) I hadn’t even visited in a YEAR. I was afraid to come down because when I come for a visit I knew I was gonna wild out! I would come down for the weekend, drop my kids to my mama’s house and never come home until it was time to go. I would be drinking, smoking and hollering at men- all in an effort to get it out of my system because I knew when I got back to Gainesville it was back to the old routine- in the house every night with my boys and going to church and work and that’s it.

So I was trying to be right and I didn’t want to mess up so I stopped coming down here. I admit, I was afraid that I was gonna do the same thing once I moved here but I was so wrong.

I was afraid to leave my little safety net for fear that I wasn’t strong enough to make it on my own.

I’ve been here for four weeks now and I have not done a THING that I couldn’t write about on my blog. No need to repent or feel bad about myself. I basically do the same thing I used to do in Gainesville, except I see my family a lot more. I’m not wilding out at all and I’m still happy.

Sometimes you won’t know you have conquered a fear until you are face to face with it.

There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.

~singing the theme song to The Miami Heat Basketball Team~

Can you feel the heat down in my soul?

Can you feel the heat down in my soul?

Can you feel it?

I feel it.

Can you feel it?

I feel it.

It’s MIAMI HEAT!

We can’t be beat.

It’s MIAMI HEAT!

Yo, it’s HOT AS HECK down here!

I’m wearing my tiny shorts again and little t-shirts and I’m still burning up. I’ve become addicted to the icecream cones from McDonalds. I buy one every day. One night it was almost 11 pm and I had to run out and get one. It’s even super hot at night!

Trick Daddy said it best when he said, “I love living here. We be straight thugs living here!” I said that to my friend Freddy yesterday and he busted out lauging. “You’re not a thug!” he told me. I know, but I am a city girl at heart.

Funny how everyone thinks that I am from out of town. No one believes I was born and raised in Liberty City. Maybe it’s my friendly smile and attitude. I don’t know.

Believe it or not I couldn’t care less about sports. It’s all boring to me. I mean, it’s just a GAME. Who cares? In fact, I realized that I don’t like anything competitive. Board games or shooting pool or anything that has a winner at the end. Well, except writing competitions. LOL!

My brother is such a blessing. Last week I started calling around for truck rental rates so that I could go and get my furniture and stuff from my old apartment and the Penske people told me $599 for a one-way trip. Yeah right.

Then yesterday my lil brother, who lives in Gainesville, called me and told me that he knows someone who is moving to Miami and I could split the cost of a truck with him and he would bring all of my stuff down for me. So he went to my apartment and loaded up all of the big stuff and got on the road last night.

What a treat! I still have to make a trip back up there to turn in my key and sign out of my lease, but at least I won’t have to beg people to come and help me move.

Hooray!

I also got a new cell phone. My mama was tired of my ppl calling hers and with Metro PCS I have unlimited long distance and local calling ALL DAY, EVERYDAY!

Now the hunt is on for a new apartment. Wish me luck!

I saw this on Words in the Rough. It was fun.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.

2. Bold the things that are true about you.

3. Whatever you don’t bold is false.

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions

02. I don’t watch much TV these days

03. I love olives

04. I love sleeping

05. I own lots of books

06. I wear glasses or contact lenses

07. I love to play video games

08. I’ve tried marijuana (back in my party days)

09. I’ve watched porn movies

10. I have been in a threesome

11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship

12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy

13. I have acne free skin (usually)

14. I like and respect Al Sharpton

15. I curse frequently

16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year

17. I have a hobby

18. I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.

19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me

20. I’m really, really smart

21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones

22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal

23. I hate the rain

24. I’m paranoid at times

25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free

26. I need money right now

27. I love Sushi

28. I talk really, really fast

29. I have fresh breath in the morning

30. I have semi-long hair (used to, I cut it, now it’s growing back)

31. I have lost money in Las Vegas

32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister (2 step-sisters)

33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis

35. I have a twin

36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past

37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.

38. I like the way that I look (usually)

39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months

40. I know how to cornrow

41. I am usually pessimistic

42. I have a lot of mood swings

43. I think prostitution should be legalized

44. I think Britney Spears is hot

45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past

46. I have a hidden talent

47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have

48. I think that I’m popular

49. I am currently single

50. I have kissed someone of the same sex

51. I enjoy talking on the phone

52. I practically live in sweatpants

53. I love to shop

54. I would rather shop than eat

55. I would classify myself as ghetto

56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders

57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga

58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.

59. I’m a pretty good dancer

60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington

61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother

62. I have a cell phone

63. I believe in God

64. I watch MTV on a daily basis

65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months

66. I love drama

67. I have never been in a real relationship before

68. I’ve rejected someone before

69. I currently have a crush on someone

70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

71. I want to have children in the future

72. I have changed a diaper before

73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before

74. I bite my nails

75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club

76. I’m not allergic to anything

77. I have a lot to learn

78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger

79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest “Friday” movie

80. I am very shy around the opposite sex (most of the time, if I’m attracted to him)

81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message

82. I have at least 5 away messages saved

83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party

84. I have made a move on a friend’s Sig. O. in the past

85. I own the “South Park” movie

86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga

87. When I was a kid I played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum

88. I enjoy country music

89. I would die for my best friends

90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza

91. I watch soap operas whenever I can ( Y & R, Bold & the Beautiful, ATWT, Guiding Light )

92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist

93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career

94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all

95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s “Children’s Story”

96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy

97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it

98. I have dated a close friend’s ex

99. I’m happy as of this moment

Yippee Skippee!

I’m feeling so good right now. Today was a GREAT day. Ya’ll know what? I knew that I was a valuable employee. I knew that I worked hard but now I know that the sky is the limit for me.

Today I got to work and was surprised to see an email from the woman I interviewed with last week. You know, the CEO of the marketing/PR firm.

This is what she wrote: (Sidenote: She called me by the wrong name a few times.)

Te-Erica,

Who is Jennifer Russou anyway? I have not been able to live it down–Amy and Maddie now call me Ruby in exchange for my giving everyone else a name of my own. Anyway, thanks for taking it in such good grace.

Thank you for the very nice email note about our meeting. I concur. I, too, felt the synergy and would hire you today, if we had the budget. Hopefully, that won’t be for too long.

About the motivational speaking, we have thought about developing that aspect of the business, but I guess need someone like you to build it. What I have found is that local organizations and projects always want me to present, but without a fee. I have done quite a bit of that and feel that it is time to develop that as part an economic aspect of (her firm’s name); this would mean mainly outside of Miami-Dade and Broward Counties. So, we would need to make the necessary registrations with speakers bureaus–in fact, Maddie has already decided that I am not going to be running around speaking without an honorarium anymore. So I think we are all on the same wave. It would be so wonderful to have someone developing that for me and for the company. I am also planning to settle down and pull together my first book. I have been toying with the idea for quite a while, now I am actually taking it more seriously. And, as you know, every motivational speaker needs a tangible product.

Let’s stay in touch. If you hear of or see anything that might be worth our pursuit, please let us know. In the meantime, if things turn around here, I have you at the top of my list. I hope your kids are doing well. Take good care.

Blessings.

M.G.

Isn’t that great?!

And then things got realy hectic around my office. I have been put into a supervisory role that is more like a servant’s role. But one thing I have learned is the best leaders are the best servants.

So, when I had all of my reports typed and all of my assignments completed, my publisher’s administrative assistant comes and says my publisher wants to see me.

We meet for a little over an hour, combing through my many projects and I dazzled her with my creativity and ideas for restructuring the office protocol.

As the last thing on my (typed) agenda I had outlined all of my duties because I planned to ask for a raise in salary.

Here is my report:

Act as the liason between editorial staff and the administration.

Supervise the editorial department staff to ensure a higher quality in output.

Formulate the structure of the sales team.

Create all of the sales team’s presentation materials.

Act as a clerk for other sales team members which includes typing their letters and preparing them to be mailed out. Spearhead policy projects that require a great deal of analytical thinking, creativity and knowledge of desktop publishing.

Write and market a weekly newspaper column to attract more readers to the paper.

Assess the current business structure and procedures and implement ways to improve them.

Proof the entire newspaper for errors in grammar, spelling and content.

Before I could even begin my “Tee-is-the-bomb-and-has-exceeded your-expectations” speech, she said, “Shut up. How much do you want?”

I named my price and she said okay.

I didn’t ask for much. I have a strategic plan for my income right now, but I know she would have given me anything that I asked for. After we agreed on my new salary she told me, “You know, I have to tell you that I am VERY pleased with your work here. You bring a new perspective that I needed around here. I am so glad that you are here.”

I smiled, wrapped up the conversation and went to lunch.

It’s great to know that someone values you so much and your knowledge is needed and appreciated. I can see myself being a valuable asset to any company I choose.

I’m comfortable where I am right now. I have a good work to do at The Times. Once I am done, I will move on, but now I am there to serve.

I’m glad I’m a cutie!

Read this article.

Studies show cute girls RULE THE WORLD!

Ha, ha!

I’m getting very annoyed right now. I need to vent.

Tell me something? Why in the world did I drive around Miami for thirty minutes looking for a Burger King and couldn’t find one? Where is Burger King?!! All I want is a sausage and cheese crossaint with no eggs! I can’t find anything in this doggone city!

Why in the world are my GIRLS letting niccas answer their cell phones? If I call your phone I want to talk to YOU, not them. This really annoys me. If I wanted to talk to your man I would wait until he comes around my crib like I usually do. Ya’ll better put them in check!

Does anyone in Miami know what a turn signal is? Use it! Stop cutting me off. And stop speeding up when I put on my blinker. You’re being so rude!

And stop trying to holla at me while you’re walking! What am I gonna do with a man who is sitting on the bus stop? Get real. You’ll never get my number. You gotta come better than that.

OK. OK. I know my hair is nappy. You don’t have to keep telling me. I like it like that. Either leave me alone or grab a pick and pick it for me. Dang!

Where is ANNA? I haven’t spoken to that chick since Sunday morning and she knows I don’t play that! She tells me she’s too busy to update her blog. Ya’ll know I’m the blog police. You can’t be on my blog list if your blog isn’t tight. I have standards to uphold.

By the way start checking out Phase II again. I was just about to give her the boot when she comes back with a vengeance. She has got a whole new look and she definately is good at telling a story. That’s my baby mama!

Also check out Shay’s blog. My sister is pouring out her heart as she grows. I am amazed everytime I visit her page. She’s really honest and very articulate.

On a lighter note.

I met up with an old classmate from middle school. His name is Darryl. He was the pretty boy of the school. You know, light skinned, green eyes, well dressed. He came by the newspaper office to place an ad in the paper. It turns out he is a real estate investor. He is trying to help low-income families find affordable housing and get in on the ground floor in the remake of the inner city.

I spoke with him for a minute but then I got busy and one of the salespeople told me he was looking for me before he left but I am sure I will see him again. It was so funny seeing him after all this time. I told him, “Dang you got a deep voice now!” He laughed and said, “That was middle school, Tee.”

Well, I took today off from work because I didn’t leave the office until 2:30 this morning. I had been there since 8a.m. If this is how the newspaper business goes, I don’t know if I can handle it. I love working there though. Maybe I’ll get used to it. Hopefully I won’t have to. I have so many other projects that I am involved in.

I read something today that caused me to feel a little uneasy. Well, a lot.

A friend of mine is having success in an area that I tried and tried and TRIED my BEST to be successful in.

I have never been the jealous type. In my whole life I have only met one girl who I thought was all-around tighter than I am and then I got to know her- my feelings changed immediately.

But my friend, who has some of the same talents and passions that I have, is enjoying success in the place that I envisioned myself being successful but never could- Her new church.

She wrote to me telling me how much she loves the church and how she has already joined a ministry and she is meeting so many young people who are so on fire for God and she is so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! She gets to hang out and meet other young adults who share her interests and I’m sure she’ll contribute a lot to their vision.

The kicker is- She now goes to the church I just left in Gainesville.

If you go back through my archives you may be able to read that all I wanted to do was serve in my church and use my gift to glorify God. I never got a chance to do that and I’m sure it was God’s will. But I can’t stop thinking that something is wrong with ME, because I could not make it work. Like everyone else has got it but I never got it.

My girl Mimi says that I wasn’t meant to be at the church and that’s why things didnt work out, but since I’m such a self-blamer I always anaylyze why it is MY FAULT things don’t work in my favor, or the way I want them to.

~sigh

Child please I’m tripping because these are the facts:

1) I am way happier now than I was when I was in Gainesville.

2) I have more peace now and less pressure.

3) Good things are happening in my life and I can not go back and fix things that went wrong in the past. I can only move forward.

4) I trust God to settle in my heart those things that still cause pain when it comes to my old church.

I am letting go of Gainesville and the negative experiences that sneak and try to rob me of my joy today. I am letting go of the painful relationships associated with my old church. I am also letting go of the belief that my husband is in Gainesville a.k.a. My Golden Boy.

This one is the toughest one to let go of because it will mean that I have to admit that I was wrong when I TRULY believed I had heard from God. I was wrong about hearing from God when I thought he had showed me my husband. I was wrong. I was wrong.

And that’s okay. Yep, 100%. Why would I think that God would have someone for me? I’ve only messed up, um, a million times since I’ve been saved.

I’m here to serve, to encourage and to raise good sons. I’ll get my reward in heaven. I’m just gonna focus on the work I have before me. And I have plenty of work to do.

Gotta go…