For those who didn’t keep up with my project lots of crazy stuff happened to me over the past 4 months, most of which I’ll end up referencing at some point but for now I want to talk about my biggest fear.
If you “know” me through my blog you’ve seen over the years how I’ve been running away from relationships and sabotaging on purpose because I’m afraid of being hurt again after my BBDD.
So anyway, it’s almost 10 years since I’ve been without a boyfriend or any sign of love and I wear that label like a badge of honor. I feel like it makes me special or something.
So anyway, during my project I met an older man who made my heart sing. Just the THOUGHT of him made me extremely joyful and when I’d see him, oh boy, my pussy was thumping and I was all kind of goo goo even though I disguised it by acting like a brat.
Of course I managed to push him away too, before I could even have secks with him, which is a first for me. I usually have secks first then strategize on how to push the guy away. He never even tried to touch me.
So anyway, today I was thinking of him. As usual my imaginary love affairs are so strong and so vibrant that they cause me to feel glee. Through today’s glee, I came up with an idea for my next project.
What if I decided to remain single for another 10 years? What if I made it my goal not to be in a committed relationship with anyone for 10 more years? How could I document this creatively?
As I thought about it the fireworks went off in my heart and relief swept over me. It felt like a big safety was pulled out for me and I started dancing around. What reasons could I give for doing this project besides the REAL reasons which are:
I hate desiring the company of someone because I hate feeling rejected when they can’t come.
I absolutely despise hearing about my friend’s relationships and the drama they go through and I don’t want to be like any of them at all.
I’m too afraid that allowing someone to get to know the real me will result in rejection.
I’m comfortable feeling the self pity of being unloved.
I don’t see what people get out of it.
I like doing shit that normal people don’t do.
Anyway, I think I’ll work something out because I think this will be a great project for me. While I’m working on staying single I’ll study relationships and couples and come up with awesome books and seminars and stuff.Gosh. I so look forward to studying relationships again. That survival shit was for the birds.
Two decades of being single on PURPOSE because I’m afraid AND to see how much fun I can have alone. I think I can do it. In fact, I’ll make it a project for my book blog.
I have to focus because this decade coming I’ll be side stepping relationships on purpose not like last time when I was creating havoc in my relationships out of neediness.
Yes, I am in love with love but making sure that other women don’t end up like me by exploring the inner issues that keep love away is a fantastic way to give back to this world.